Page 13 of Knot Your Pawn

How can I want to be with her, be as close as possible to her, and so afraid of her at the same time?

It hurts.

It hurts so much.

“I’m sorry.” Her quiet words reach me, and I want to tell her again that she’s got nothing to apologise for, but no words come out. My throat constricted.

I hope she understands that I want nothing more than to be able to be close to her, that I want nothing more than to be able to hold her, without everything going wrong.

When we talked out on the balcony, before my family arrived, I could be near her, even if it wasn’t close enough to touch her, but it was still nice. But inside the house, pheromones are stronger, more concentrated, which means we have to keep more distance…

We can’t even be in the same room.

The only two people from the pack that I can be around without problems are Riley, the female Alpha who seems much too familiar with my situation, and Jorge, the male Alpha who immediately wrapped me in his pheromones when we first met.

Mathew too, in some ways, but that’s more because he lacks pheromones. When I do catch them, they might not set my fear off like Vera and Caleb’s do, but it still isn’t good for my mind.

Too many memories, too much pain.

Too much trauma.

Someone comes up the stairs and I automatically take a step back, trying to go up into the walls of the hallway —an automatic response from years of training— until I notice it’s one of the Alphas who helped my family, the less scary one of the two in charge.

Vera goes up to him, alert. “Any more information?”

“Not that I know, but check with Mathew or Derrick, I’ve mostly been shackled to my computer since we came back.” He looks to me, slightly smiling. “Which is why I’m here. I’ve got a new phone for you. It’s clean. All of our numbers are already on it.”

He comes over, holding out a brand new phone, much newer than the model I used to have.

“Thanks.” I force the word out as I stare at it, not really believing it yet. “What about...” I gave my old phone to Eli, the Omega who helped get the kids and me to the house, he said that he needed to make sure I couldn’t be tracked through it. That it was for our safety.

The Alpha nods. “Of course, you’ll get the old one back too. As soon as I’ve got time, I’ll make sure that it can’t be used in any malicious way, and you’ll get it back.”

I quickly shake my head. “I don’t need it back. But there are...” There are things on it that I don’t want to lose.

“I’ll sit down with you to get anything you want from it. Does that sound good?”

“Yes. Thank you.” I glance up, finding Vera staring at me.

Wait, if her number is on the phone, we can talk without having to be near each other.

I swallow hard.

That’s actually...

That’s actually good!

I unlock the phone, trying to locate the messaging app, but not spotting it.

“This one.” The Alpha points to one of the icons, then he steps past me. “I’m going to check on your family. I’ll get them clean phones as soon as possible too.”

I nod, tapping on the app he pointed at and a whole bunch of names appear. Looking through them for Vera’s number, I spot the name ‘Timothy’ and realise that’s the name of the Alpha who gave me the phone. I should try to remember that.

Timothy is the slightly less scary one, Derrick is the scary one. And Eli is their Omega. I think I got that right.

Then I click on Vera’s name and then send a simple message, feeling embarrassed. ‘Hello.’

Vera’s pheromones flare, making my hands shake, and I stumble back a step. I’d almost calmed down.