Page 93 of An Ill-Made Match

He cleared his throat. “It was… interesting,” he said, though it sounded like he substituted that word for another.

Eden regarded him anxiously. “Did you get to speak?”

He shook his head. “Apparently, neither of us can, until tomorrow.”

Eden noticed she was fretfully plucking at his sleeve and pulled herself up. “Sorry, were you on your way somewhere just now? Have I dragged you away from something important?”

“Eden-”

“Yes?” But Roland did not speak and unable to bear the silence, Eden decided on impulse to simply plunge ahead with what was on her mind. She took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking about… everything you said, and the only conclusion that I can draw is that I am the absolute opposite of Sir Renlowe. In fact,” she carried on recklessly. “I’m a totally spineless coward. All I care about is appearing perfectly composed in front of others. You included. I can’t even imagine competing, week in and week out, in front of crowds of people, suffering humiliation after humiliation. And getting no encouragement, save from the likes of you, paying his ransom. You’re right. He must have incredible inner resilience and strength.” She steeled herself to brave a glance at Roland’s face. He looked rather stunned. She swallowed. “In future, I mean to take Sir Renlowe as my role model,” she said, her cheeks burning.

This last part seemed to startle him into speech, “Eden…”

Before he could continue, and she lost her nerve, she plunged on. “I’d been tormenting myself about that kiss I gave you for the past week. Because I felt like I made a fool of myself. You didn’t expect me to give you that sort of kiss, but I misunderstood you. It wasn’t appropriate…” She gripped at his arm, unable to think what to say next, her face aflame.

“The kiss was perfect, Eden,” he interrupted her sharply.

“…And so, I said all those stupid things, because…” she gasped, tilting her head upwards to discourage the wetness she could feel in her eyes. “Because I was too much of a coward to tell you how I really felt… which was sadly conflicted and… a little depressed in spirits after being left alone for so many days…”

Roland gave an exclamation and turned to look over his shoulder, as if checking Jane Cecil still followed them a few paces behind. By the muffled, but exasperated sound he made, Eden knew she was.

“I’m well aware that I acted like the w-worst sort of harpy after you thoughtfully brought me all those gifts back from Areley Kings,” Eden continued wretchedly. “But I-”

“Eden,” he said quietly, yet firmly interrupting her. “You are too hard on yourself. I had no idea…” He reached for her hand and applied pressure to her fingers. “This is not your fault. It’s mine.”

“So you… you will kiss me again, then?” she asked anxiously.

“Eden…” he said with a sharp inward breath. “You little wretch, what are you trying to do to me?”

She feared she had totally lost track of the conversation now. “But you said ‘rest assured it won’t happen again’, and I surmised from that...”

“I was fuming,” he said in a low, tense voice. “At the idea you did not welcome my kisses.”

“Oh,” she said softly.

“I had no intention of ever stopping kissing you,” he continued hoarsely. “That was just my hurt pride talking.”

Eden leant further toward him. He adjusted his hold to squeeze her hand. “It was my hurt pride made me say those things too,” she admitted with a small choked laugh. Sir Renlowe, she thought. Sir Renlowe, Sir Renlowe, Sir Renlowe. Then she spoke. “I wish you could kiss me now.”

He made a strangled sound in his throat. “Can you slip away later?” he asked in a low voice. Eden’s eyes widened. “I’d come to you,” he carried on, “But I understand you’re sharing your bedchamber with another.”

“With Jane,” she clarified. “But I don’t quite know how I’d manage to slip away. Unless…” she thought of Lenora and bit her lip.

“Yes?”

“Perhaps I could enlist Lenora’s help?” she whispered. “My grandmother has returned to Hallam Hall today, but my uncles will likely be in the Montmayne quarters.”

“Come to me,” said Roland. “Mason and Linnet are staying with Oswald and Fenella tonight at their house in town.”

“Did they not invite you?” asked Eden, feeling stung on his behalf.

“I’m not good company right now. For anyone save yourself.” He spoke the words with a faint trace of self-consciousness and heightened color in his cheeks which made him look very boyish.

Eden told herself firmly that she was not enchanted by this bashful side of Roland. “If I don’t manage to get away,” she said in a low voice, glancing over her shoulder for they had reached the Queen’s quarters. “What will we do, if they try to say our marriage is unlawful?”

“Fight it,” he said grimly. “With every weapon at our disposal.”

Instead of feeling miserable, Eden felt a sudden reckless joy. She nodded, unable to think of appropriate words in response. The guards were standing to attention, and Eden waited reluctantly for Jane to catch up with them. As she withdrew her hand from his arm, he caught it and pressed it to his cheek a moment. Eden curled her fingers to feel the faint stubble on his jaw. Then he dropped her hand and walked away. Eden watched him all the way to the end of the corridor before she turned and entered the Queen’s rooms.