Page 43 of Counting Down To You

“Are there any jobs that have come up in recruitment that you like the sound of?”

“Mostly no,” I say—and mean it. Which is a good thing in a recruitment consultant—I don’t want to be going after the jobs I’m supposed to be lining up for clients. “They’re all office based, and they tend to be specialist, like in marketing or director roles or whatever—things I’m definitely not qualified for.”

“So you don’t like the office-based stuff?”

“I…” Do I? “I guess I didn’t want to work in an office when I was a teenager, but I was also super naive, obviously. I realized when I left uni that I needed money, and I wanted to move to London…” I trail off, because I wanted to move to London because of Robyn, really. So we could experience our twenties together in the capital and make memories. I take a sip of hot chocolate to disguise the pause. “And I sort of fell into recruitment, I guess, and then realized offices weren’t that bad.”

“But in an ideal world,” he prompts, impressive—almost alarming—in his focus. “If not offices, then what?”

“Something outdoors, I guess.” He gestures around him pointedly and I laugh. “Not skiing. But I love being outdoors. I feel more…me. I used to go on all these hikes, and I’d make it my mission to learn as much as I could about the area.” I have, in fact, been looking up wildlife in the Alps, in case I manage to get out again—there is not as much here in winter as other times of year, but I still might be able to spot some birds, like the snow finch. “But that’s so vague,” I continue, as Leo is waiting for me to continue. “If someone came to me as a client with only that to go on, I’d be complaining about them to everyone in the office.”

“Well, maybe you just need some time to figure it out.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

I look out at the blue sky, the snow glinting under the sun. I’m thinking of Robyn, of coming home to the flat one day and telling her about a temporary role Cal was recruiting for—an “outdoor adventure guide” for teenagers. If I were in between jobs I’d apply, I told her, because it sounded so fun. Robyn had watched me, while waiting for pasta to boil.

“You could still apply, you know,” she said.

“I have a job,” I pointed out.

“Well, there is this thing called quitting…”

“I’m not quitting my job! Are you mad? I need the money.”

“Well, presumably this job doesn’t pay in chocolate buttons.”

I snorted. “It’s temporary. It’s aimed at younger people.”

Robyn rolled her eyes. “Sorry. I forgot you were ancient.”

“It’s in Wales. I’m not moving to Wales.” Not without you, I’d wanted to add—but I knew Robyn wouldn’t let that be a reason. “Besides, what’s wrong with recruitment?”

“Nothing’s wrong with it. Nothing at all. You just…You don’t light up when you talk about it.”

My turn to roll my eyes. “Not everyone can light up when they talk about their jobs, Ro.”

“No, that’s true. And maybe recruitment is the best job for you. It’s just…You sounded more excited about that job than I’ve heard you be in a while. And how can you be sure it’s the best thing out there if you don’t give yourself the chance to try out a few things?”

I’ve gone quiet, and realize Leo is watching me, maybe waiting for me to carry on the conversation. I clear my throat. “So, ah, how about you? You said you’ve moved around a lot—why did you decide to come back here?”

“I love it here,” he says simply, thankfully not commenting on my momentary distraction. “I had to leave early last year—and I realized while I was away that I missed it. I haven’t ever missed anywhere specific, but this place—it got under my skin. And then…I don’t know.” He picks up his hot chocolate but doesn’t drink it. “I guess I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to make the most of every day—or thinking I was doing that, anyway. And for a while that meant moving from place to place, experiencing as much as I could. But this year I sort of realized that living life to the fullest doesn’t necessarily mean seeing as much as you possibly can. It can also mean trying to make connections—and, for me, I wanted to connect with this place, give it a real shot.” He makes a face. “That sounds incredibly lame, doesn’t it?”

“No,” I say softly. “I don’t think it does.” It reminds me of Robyn. She was like that too, had the same live each day to the fullest mentality, even before she got her diagnosis. And after…Well, she didn’t get to keep living life to the fullest, did she?

“Ali? Are you okay?” I’m not looking at him, but out at the horizon instead, my vision a little blurred. I take a breath and blink it back before doing my best to smile at him.

“Sorry. Yeah, I’m fine. I just…” I hesitate. I haven’t wanted to mention Robyn, but that is doing her a disservice, isn’t it? “I lost a friend,” I say, not quite able to look him in the eye. “Earlier this year. And being out here, it’s making me think of how much she would have loved it, that’s all.”

He is quiet long enough for me to wonder whether I should have said anything, whether he’s going to treat me differently, now that he knows. I risk a glance at him, but he’s not looking at me anymore. He, too, is looking out at the horizon.

Then he turns to me, holds my gaze. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. And what else is there to say, really? “I can’t imagine what it was like to go through that. What it must still be like.” I feel a painful lump pressing in my throat, because that’s exactly right. It’s not something that happened once, it’s something that keeps happening, every day, something that I will keep having to live with. “But I do know a little about what it’s like to have your world turned upside down. So, in that sense, I might not be able to fully understand—but I think I can empathize, if only a little.” I blink down at the table, trying to breathe normally, because I really do not want to break down into a sobbing mess right now.

On the table between us, his phone lights up. He flips it over. “Sorry. My mum,” he says, although I didn’t ask.

“You can take it if you need to?” I’m relieved to find my voice is pretty normal.

“No, it’s okay. She’s just checking in—they do it a lot. My parents,” he adds.