Page 79 of A Winter Wish

“No, I changed my mind. And I don’t know where I’m going yet.” She pulled a hand through her hair.

“You don’t know where you’re going? What am I missing here?”

Lexie closed her eyes, then sank backward onto her bed. “I’m done. I’m quitting the company.”

“But…why?”

Lexie shook her head. She couldn’t bring herself to explain. And to think, this morning she and Fran had been talking about her flat, and when Fran could come round, and planning a moving-in party with Theo’s name up at number one on the guest list. Stupid. She was so, so stupid. Then her eyes flew open, and she frowned.

“Wait—you said you had some pretty big…what? News?”

Fran’s eyes darted from the suitcase on the floor to Lexie, and back again. “Ah, well.”

“Tell me!”

Fran jumped, and Lexie grimaced.

“Sorry, I mean, let’s press pause on my crisis for a moment. Please tell me.”

“Well, I, um, sort of quit my job.”

Lexie stared at her. “Are you serious?” Fran nodded, and Lexie sprang to her feet. “Oh my god. Oh my god. Congratulations! Shall we have wine? You’re right, this calls for wine.” She left the bedroom and hurried to the kitchen, her movements a bit frantic.

“Lexie, don’t you think we should—”

“No. I want to hear about you. Tell me what happened.” She opened one of the cupboards in Fran’s small kitchen and got down two wineglasses. “This is way bigger than my thing,” she insisted, aware that she was potentially talking a little too quickly but unable to stop herself. “You’ve been in your job for years, I know how hard you’ve found it lately.” She felt a weird pull at the base of her stomach, realizing she’d also quit her job today, but she brushed that aside, along with all her other feelings.

Lexie saw the bottle of wine Fran had left on the counter and opened it, looking at Fran expectantly as she did so.

Fran seemed to waver in indecision for a moment, before speaking. “Well, I quit. That’s the story. End of.”

“That is so not end of. What are you going to do? Do you mean—are you, like, becoming a different sort of lawyer?” She handed Fran one of the glasses.

“No. I’m going to do something else entirely. I hated my job.” She blew out a slow breath, then took a sip of wine. “Do you know what? I’ve wanted to say that for ages. I hate it. So I’m going to do something else entirely. God knows what, but I have savings and I’ll figure it out.” She put the wine down on the counter, then stepped up to Lexie and took one of her hands in hers. “And do you know what, Lex? It’s because of you. You’ve been taking the time to work out what you really want to do—”

“Yeah, but that’s really just because I’m a complete commitment-phobe and can’t figure out what the hell to do with myself.” The words slipped out, heightened by the state she was in right now. She didn’t mean them, she told herself firmly. She loved traveling—and maybe it was a good thing that she’d seen the contract of Theo’s, because it had reminded her that she didn’t want to put down roots. That she’d have been sacrificing a part of herself—for someone who didn’t deserve it.

“Well, I don’t see it like that,” Fran said firmly. “I see it as you figuring it out. And I think you might have figured it out these past few months—though I don’t know what’s happened to make you freak out like this. And I thought you’d like to hear that I was inspired by you, Lexie. That you’re not the fuckup you seem to think you are. You’ve done what you needed to do for yourself, and you’ve made me want to do the same.”

Lexie felt a lump swelling in her throat. “I haven’t figured it out,” she whispered.

“Maybe you—”

“No. I mean, it’s not…” She swallowed, and then, on a deep breath, told Fran what she’d found in Theo’s flat.

Fran looked at her for a long moment, then said, “Did you give him the chance to explain?” Lexie said nothing. “Maybe you ought to talk to him, Lexie.” Her voice was calm, and full of sympathy, but Lexie still said nothing—because she wasn’t sure she could face talking to Theo. Wasn’t sure she wanted to be confronted with the truth of it. And perhaps worst of all, she didn’t want to risk him coming up with an excuse, didn’t want to risk believing him, only for this to happen again, later down the line. It was wrong of her, to be thinking about settling down—because relationships didn’t ever work out to happy endings, did they? Not for her, not for Fran, not for her parents, not for Richard and Jody, not for Theo’s parents…And this had been the wake-up call she’d needed.

Lexie knew her thoughts must have been playing out on her face when Fran gave her arm a little squeeze. “I know that if you keep moving around, there’s less of a chance people will let you down. But Lex, it also means less connection with people. And that’s OK,” she added quickly. “It’s a choice—and maybe it’s been the right one for you until now. But you can also try something different—you don’t have to run before you give people a chance. And I know it’s scary, but if you never open up enough to give someone the chance to let you down, it also means you aren’t opening up enough to give them the chance to be there for you.”

By people she meant Theo, obviously. But had she not heard what Lexie had said? About what Theo had been planning to do—without even talking to her? All those conversations with Mike, behind her back…

“I’m not running,” Lexie said firmly. “I shouldn’t even have stayed as long as I did. I never meant to in the first place.”

“It’s just…this decision seems a little rushed. Are you sure this is the right thing to do? To leave without even talking to him about it?”

“Yes,” she said. And when Fran gave her another look she said, “It is.”

Fran’s eyebrows raised. “Are you trying to convince me—or yourself?”