Page 77 of Always, in December

Josie’s throat tightened so it was almost painful. ‘Me, too.’

Erin nodded, met Josie’s gaze once more. ‘I know. I saw it, in Edinburgh.’

Josie hesitated. ‘I didn’t mean to . . . I thought you were together, then.’

‘I know,’ Erin said again. ‘We weren’t,’ she added. ‘But I guess you’ve figured that out by now. So when I say I loved him, I just mean . . .’

‘You don’t have to explain,’ Josie whispered. She knew how Erin felt. If Erin had seen how Josie felt about Max then the reverse was true too – they’d loved each other, and the fact that had changed from romantic love didn’t change anything.

‘He let you think it though,’ Erin said quietly. ‘I knew what he was doing, trying to hide behind me. And I tried to get him to tell you the truth, but he . . . I don’t think he could face it, then. Could face how it would change the way you might look at him.’

Erin and Max, standing outside the coffee shop in Edinburgh, Josie remembered with a jolt to her heart.

Did you tell her?

Give me a break, Erin, it’s not that easy.

Josie closed her eyes against the burning there, and when she opened them, she allowed a few tears to fall. Erin stepped forward, took Josie’s hand in one of her own, and squeezed. ‘I’m sorry that he didn’t tell you sooner.’

Something bitter wanted to swell in her at that, at the fact he’d kept it from her, had allowed her to fall in love with him. But there was a part fighting that, something that she knew would be there after the grief settled, after she fought her way through the impossibility of these few weeks – and that part was glad of it. Glad that she’d met him, glad that she’d known him, had fallen for him. If he’d told her when he’d first met her, when he was still reeling from the news, that day she’d run into him on her bike, would she have allowed herself to fall for him? She doubted it. She wouldn’t have had the courage. And then she would have missed out on something that had the power to change her life.

So she shook her head now at Erin. ‘I know why he didn’t.’ It wasn’t quite forgiveness – that would have to come later. But understanding, that was a start.

Erin looked over Josie’s shoulder and Josie turned to see Max’s sister, the one she’d met in New York – Chloe. She started towards Josie and Erin, looking nothing like Max, with short dark hair that framed an attractive face. But when she smiled through her tears as she reached them, Josie saw it there, the same softening expression that Max had. It made something hard rise up in her throat and for a moment she struggled to breathe. In the distance, birds were chirping, unaware of what had happened here, and the sound of a far-off car horn seemed to punch through Josie, a harsh reminder that the world was still out there, still carrying on.

Erin and Chloe smiled at each other, some sort of understanding passing there. ‘I’ll see you around, Josie,’ Erin said. She let her hand trail over Josie’s shoulder in a farewell gesture.

‘I hope so,’ Josie said, and meant it.

Chloe watched Erin walk away for a moment, then looked at Josie. ‘I’m so glad you came.’

His sister, Josie thought. What did she say to his sister – his baby sister, as he’d once told her? ‘I’m so sorry that—’

But Chloe shook her head, like she knew what Josie was going to say. That she was sorry Max had been with her, in his final moments. That she was sorry she’d taken him away from them – even though she wasn’t sorry, because she selfishly wanted those moments to herself. Wanted them, and moments she would now never get. ‘He would have wanted to be with you,’ Chloe said softly. She glanced over her shoulder, beckoned someone over, then took a breath and squared her shoulders as she faced Josie again.

Two more people were now coming to join them. A woman with the same auburn hair as Max and a man who had Chloe’s face, though a slightly wider framed body. Max’s parents. Josie took a shaky breath.

‘Josie,’ Chloe said, ‘this is Valerie and Roger. My parents.’

Josie felt her chin wobble as she looked into Valerie’s eyes. Max’s eyes, though with a slightly softer edge. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss,’ she said, her voice not as steady as she was aiming for.

Valerie shook her head, stepped up to Josie and took both her hands in hers. ‘Our loss,’ she said firmly, with the hint of an American accent. ‘If you’re Max’s girl, then it’s our loss.’

Josie nodded, and felt the tears, never far away, start up again.

She talked to Max’s parents for as long as they all could bear, and promised to stay in touch. Chloe hovered for a moment longer when Roger and Valerie left, ready to accept more condolences from friends and family. ‘So,’ she said. ‘How’s the photography?’

‘Oh.’ Josie lifted a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. ‘Alright, I guess. I did a course.’ It felt wrong to be talking about something normal, something mundane, in the face of what had happened.

Chloe angled her head, the action almost birdlike. ‘I know. Max told me.’

That made Josie smile, just a little. ‘He did?’

She nodded. ‘He also told me about Botswana. Geoffrey,’ she added at Josie’s questioning look. ‘My brother was good at getting information out of people.’ The smile on her face shook, but held. Someone called Chloe’s name – a tall, muscular man with deeply tanned skin – and Chloe nodded over her shoulder. ‘I have to go and do the rounds, so to speak.’ She blew out a breath, shook her head, and tears glistened in her brown eyes. ‘Sorry,’ she breathed, and Josie shook her head.

‘I’ll let you go,’ Josie murmured, noticing Bia already on her way over, like she’d noticed that Josie was about to be left alone. Like she knew that she’d break if she was.

Chloe grabbed her hand before Josie could leave. ‘What I meant to say is, and I don’t know if this will make it better or worse, but he hoped you’d take it.’