Page 47 of Always, in December

‘Oh. Well I stayed in Edinburgh last night – didn’t want to be late for the dinner or anything.’ And trying to get the train and do it all in one day was a risk, in Josie’s eyes. Plus, as much as she loved her aunt, an extra night on her own away from Helen was something she’d jumped on.

Laura nodded her approval – Josie knew that early was definitely better than late in Laura’s book. She shook her head back, blonde hair almost down to her waist now, then eyed Josie critically. ‘Why the hell haven’t you been to see me?’ Josie frowned and Laura waved her hand in the air. ‘In London, I mean. Haven’t you been back since, like, May?’

‘June,’ Josie corrected. Laura’s brow furrowed and Josie gave her a little guilty smile. ‘Well, June technically. The second is still June.’ Laura made a ‘hmph’ noise and Josie gave her an apologetic look.

‘How was it then?’ Laura asked. ‘New York?’

‘It was . . .’ Josie waved a hand in the air. She sighed. ‘Do you know what, so much of it was great. We did everything you’re supposed to – Statue of Liberty, Rockefeller Centre – everything. And I went to all these cool parties with Oliver.’ It had been like something out of a film, Josie thought now. They’d arrived in an apartment provided by Peacock’s that neither of them would have been able to afford on their own, only a forty-five-minute commute away from the centre of Manhattan, and had sat on their brand new sofa, drinking champagne that first night even though they were both knackered. The first month or so, Oliver had planned every weekend, determined to show her that he meant what he’d said about making it up to her, and had taken her to all the sights. It had been a total whirlwind in the beginning, and for a time she’d allowed herself to believe that she’d made the right decision in leaving London.

‘And how was it then, with him?’ Laura probed.

‘Well, we broke up,’ Josie said with a sigh. And she supposed it was only natural that people would ask about it. And it wasn’t that she was still too raw or anything to talk about it – she’d had time, over the last few months, to realise that it was definitely for the best – but it still wasn’t fun, admitting that your only serious adult relationship had crashed and burned, despite the fact that you’d moved to a different city together.

‘I know that.’ Josie could almost hear the ‘you idiot’ at the end of the sentence. ‘But why?’

‘We just . . .’ Josie lifted a hand in the air, let it fall again. ‘It just wasn’t working, I suppose. We tried, but . . .’ Laura nodded, and didn’t push. The thing was, it really had been great at first. Josie had decided to give Oliver another chance after Max had left her – it had made her realise that if you wanted something to work, you had to really work at it. And at first, they’d both tried hard – she’d made the effort to go with him to all his work parties, he’d introduced her to everyone, he’d made sure he kept weekends free to do what she wanted to do, and she’d tried to be supportive of his career, no matter her feelings about Janice or the company. She’d managed to get over the Cara thing – pretty much – and had accepted that it was a one-off, a mistake that he deeply regretted, and that it didn’t mean he didn’t care for her. But after the first two months, things had become more difficult, and it had felt more like they were both trying too hard, that surely it shouldn’t be that difficult. And then, she’d seen Max.

She still didn’t know why it had been such a dramatic turning point, given nothing had actually happened. It had reminded her, she supposed, of how she’d been feeling when she first met Max, how she’d felt when he left her the way he had. She’d thought about it, and had tried to imagine how she’d feel if Oliver did the same thing to her. She’d be furious, of course, no question about that. And she’d cry and scream and rage, and ask herself if it was her fault. All the normal things. But, when she’d looked at Oliver in that Brooklyn gallery, she’d had an uncomfortable feeling that maybe the emptiness she’d been left with after Max . . . maybe it wouldn’t be quite the same with Oliver. She’d thought that maybe it would be almost a relief.

She and Oliver had ended up fighting that night, after they’d got home. Oliver had claimed that she’d been off the whole night, that she still wasn’t over a guy she barely even knew, and that she didn’t have an interest in him anymore. It hadn’t helped that their sex life wasn’t exactly great by that point. They hadn’t officially broken up until a month after that, both of them admitting that all their efforts to spend more time together and make it work had actually had the opposite effect. She’d realised, in the space since the fight, that they just couldn’t go back. They’d been distracted by a new city at first, and that had hidden the truth of the matter – they couldn’t return to how they’d been before he’d slept with Cara, and she couldn’t pretend that Max had never happened.

It had been surprisingly easy to leave Oliver, to say goodbye, and that, Josie thought, said it all. He’d driven her to the airport; they’d laughed as they had a last drink together. She was glad they’d left it that way, without any leftover resentment. Glad it had been a mutual decision, and not because one of them had hurt the other this time. But still, it wasn’t exactly easy, admitting to herself that she’d thrown away her life in London and completely upped stakes for a relationship that was doomed to fail. Right after she’d almost given her heart away to a man who had treated her like a child treats their toys at Christmas – exciting to play with at first, then discarded as soon as they become boring.

‘I’m sorry, Jose,’ Laura said, putting a hand on Josie’s shoulder and squeezing. Josie shrugged as if to say it is what it is. ‘I still think it was brave, though. Giving it a go, going to New York. No one can say you didn’t try.’

‘Yeah,’ Josie said, working up a wry smile. ‘That’s true.’ And, on the days where she felt a bit more clearheaded about it, she allowed herself to think that too. She couldn’t have necessarily known for certain that it was the wrong choice until she’d gone and tried – so at least this way, she wouldn’t be wondering, wouldn’t be chasing the what if.

Laura gave Josie a little nudge in the ribs. ‘You could have at least stayed in New York until the end of the summer, though, then I could have come out and had a second hen do. I would’ve liked to go shopping there.’ Josie laughed and Laura grinned. ‘Where are you living now then?’

‘Guildford.’ She didn’t add that she was currently staying with her aunt in her tiny spare bedroom. That she was temping and that both that and the living arrangements were already driving her mad. It was a severe backwards step in her life, and she needed to get her head around it before inviting the opinions of other people.

‘I miss you in the office,’ Laura said with a little pout. ‘It’s just not the same without you. No one to make fun of people with me, or work out ways to drive Janice mad.’

Josie gave a little huffing laugh. ‘We never actually did any of those things.’

‘Yeah, but it was fun thinking about it.’ Laura glanced around, tapped her fingers on her knee again. ‘Jose, I really want to catch up, but—’

‘But you’re busy,’ Josie said, and got to her feet, Laura following suit. ‘I don’t suppose there’s anything I can do?’

Laura pulled Josie into a hug. ‘You’re already doing it, by being here.’ She eased back, angled her head. ‘Just make sure you read the itinerary if you haven’t already.’ Josie laughed again and Laura waved a hand in the air. ‘I know, I know, but even people who think it’s ridiculous will actually be glad of it.’ And it was hard to argue with that – Laura’s itinerary was certainly helpful, including start times for each of the dinners, optional activities throughout the weekend, places to stay if you weren’t in the castle, the dress code and what time she and John would be departing on the final night.

Laura gave Josie directions to her room, then called after her, ‘John has some single friends, you know!’ Josie looked back, raised her eyebrows. Laura gave her a wide, glowing smile. ‘Just in case you’re in the market for something.’

Josie shook her head and waved a hand at Laura as they parted ways, saving her grimace for when her back was turned. She knew Laura meant well, but she didn’t think she could face being set up this weekend, what with all that entailed and the enthusiasm she’d have to fake.

She found her room, the key in the door as promised, and let herself in. Her first impression was of yellow, the second that it would be very suited to a woman in her seventies. The bedspread matched the curtains – yellow, a deeper yellow than the walls, with a blue pattern design on them – and there were six pictures of different kinds of fish hanging on one of the walls. The bathroom was huge, including a full-length mirror and a bath that she definitely wanted to take advantage of later. On the vanity in the bedroom there was a computer set up, should you need it – a casual blending of old and modern. Josie decided in an instant that she loved it all.

Her suitcase was propped next to her bed, so she got out her camera and laptop, did a bit of editing then uploaded the best photo of the castle to Instagram – as with all the photos on her more ‘professional’ account, she included only a caption that explained where it was. Then she shut the laptop, took her camera, and went off to do some exploring of the castle.

Chapter Seventeen

When Josie got to the ‘Croquet Room’ there were already about forty people there, which, when combined with the tables – three circular and a long, L-shaped bench around one side and corner of the room – made it feel a little on the small side. She supposed that was, in part, the point – an intimate feel for this pre-wedding dinner, with a select sixty or so guests. Laura’s family was small, Josie knew – no siblings and only one aunt and uncle – so presumably that was why she had a few more friends to fill her side. It was nice, Josie told herself firmly, that she was one of those friends. There was no reason to listen to the way her stomach was curdling ever so slightly as she shuffled into the room alone, as a few eyes she didn’t recognise flickered towards her. No reason at all.

She turned her attention to the room itself, which had a light, bright feel: cream-coloured walls with landscape paintings dotted around sporadically, an open fireplace with a roaring fire despite the warm day, and candles on the tables as well as on the mantelpiece above the fire. The tables were covered in white tablecloths, the glassware almost seeming to sparkle, and they would be sitting on gold-backed chairs with blue cushioned seats.

Josie saw Laura by the fireplace, looking stunning in a black dress with bright blue and red butterflies, cinched at the waist with a slim, white belt and finishing just above the knee to show off her tanned legs. Her hair was down in soft, blonde curls – a more feminine look than she usually went for, perfect for a bride-to-be, but not overly simpering or virginal, which wouldn’t have suited her in the slightest. She was with John, who had trimmed his beard, and who wasn’t the only one in a kilt tonight, and a few others, deep in conversation. Instead of going to interrupt, Josie went in search of her name place, and found it on one of the round tables, next to an ‘Erin’ one side and a ‘Graeme’ the other. She bit her lip at the thought of being sandwiched between two people she’d never met.

She’d only been standing there for a second when she turned to the sound of squeals and saw Jess and Tom bounding up to her from the publicity and marketing team at Peacock’s. The huffed laugh she let out was part relief at seeing people she knew. They looked exactly as she remembered them from last year – Jess, slightly on the short and plump side, was beaming, her round face a little pink already, and Tom was still as skinny as he always had been, despite starting up a protein-shake endeavour just before she’d left. A wave of nostalgia washed over her as she returned the hugs and the ‘Oh my God it’s been for ever’s. She’d sat opposite Jess for two years, and even if her face had mostly been obscured by the computer screen during that time, they’d dealt with the same mood swings in the office, sat through the same meetings, had the same small talk every Monday morning. Strange that you went from seeing someone almost every day to them just dropping out of your life like that – a bit like a relationship, but one where it was expected to be transient.