Page 54 of Back for Seconds

She shrugged her shoulders, eyes still fixed beyond me. “If you’re not, then just say you aren’t.”

“I made a new friend. And then…yeah, I don’t know.” I squeezed my eyes shut. Careful, Joey. Information travels differently in Evergreen. The last thing I needed was June finding out from someone else that I had feelings for her—fully fleshed out, scary-as-fuck feelings. I wanted her to find out on my terms. When I was ready. “It’s not even really like that.”

“Just tell me the truth.” Her jaw was set in a hard angle. Finally, she dragged her gaze back to mine. Fuck you. That was what her eyes said—nothing inscrutable about it. “So I can move on.”

Move on?

She had to be messing with me. I sucked down a breath and leaned away from the table. I should have ordered a tea or a water. Something to keep my hands busy. Instead, I kept fiddling with that damn ring. “I’m shocked to hear you say that. I felt like you moved on months ago.”

Her eyebrows jumped. “Me? You literally moved out.”

“Right.” My cheeks were on fire. “But emotionally…I thought we’d both moved on months ago.”

She shook her head, staring down into her mug. “You just don’t get it, Joe.”

“I-I guess I don’t. I guess I never really understood what was happening between us, and…and it makes me feel stupid, if I’m being honest.” I swallowed against the sudden dryness in my throat, the hollowness behind my eyes. Don’t fucking cry, Joey. “I loved you, Amber. I gave us everything I had.”

“You…” She paused, pressing her lips together into a pout—her bottom lip trembled. Oddly, I didn’t feel like I needed to comfort her. If anything, I felt myself shrinking away. “You wasted ten years of my life. You pulled me along with false promises and now what? I’m just going to watch you fall in love and marry someone you’ve known for a week?”

I flinched backward at her words, like she’d actually hit me. “What? Amber, where is this coming from? June and I are not getting married. We’re not even dating.”

“You’ll marry her.” She said this so confidently, I actually believe her. I will marry June. “You stood up for her in front of everyone. You took her to meet Sandra. Believe me, I know you. I know you better than anyone.”

Did she? Because in all the years I’d spent with Amber—all the bullshit we’d put each other through—I wasn’t sure if that had given us a real understanding of each other’s characters. Maybe a solid understanding of how to piss each other off; how to scream and fight then kiss and make up.

“You think the last ten years has just been me lying, me stringing you along, for—what? Fun?” I shook my head. “We broke up four, five times. You could have left town, forgotten about me. But we always found our way back.” I leaned forward, lowering my voice to a stern whisper. I didn’t want to yell. I didn’t want to fall back into our old patterns. “We tried. Together.”

Amber leaned forward to meet me. Her mouth kept on trembling, but her eyes were dry. “Because I wanted you. I wanted you forever and you never believed me—”

I huffed and pushed back in my chair. “Jesus. Come on, Amber.” I shook my head. “There shouldn’t have to be believing in a relationship. There shouldn’t be blind faith o-or fucking wishing on a star. If you wanted me, as I am, then I would have…” It hurt me to even have to say this part. It was an admission to the true downfall of our relationship. “I would have felt that want—that love.”

“Really? Joey, you lied to me about the cabin. You told me you had nothing.” As if our problems had started this summer. She was clinging to this argument, claws dug into me. She wanted blood. There was no other reason to bring up the cabin.

“You know that’s not true. I had enough money for a down payment with a first-time home buyer’s mortgage. I had enough money to get myself in a better position without ruining myself financially. It was a small investment for my family—for me and my brothers—and I had to make it.” It was also a chance to get away from this, from what we’re doing right now.

“You are so convinced I needed this big engagement ring. That I needed some big wedding. I would have been happy with a twist tie around my finger.”

Something broke open in my chest. The hard shell of anger gave way to deep, aching sadness.

Twist ties. We’d never been a twist tie couple. Amber wasn’t from a twist tie family. She knew nothing about putting love and devotion ahead of everything. My dad had worked far from his family for years because he was devoted to us. My grandmother had given up the calm, quiet of her later years to take us in, to help raise us, to be there for my mom.

My mom. Tense and little and strong as hell. She had waited tables and scrubbed floors and then came home to change diapers and break up knockout fights—year after year, putting our comfort above everything.

Amber and I had never had twist tie love.

I swallowed back my anger and said, “I tried to give you what I had. I gave you the best of myself. And it wasn’t good enough. That’s fine.”

She shook her head. “Do you think you can give her what she wants? Do you think I’m this anomaly? Her dad’s rich, too, you know that right? It’s all sunshine and rainbows, but in a year, she’ll want a diamond ring too—”

“Stop talking about June,” I said, maybe a note too fiercely, lifting my gaze to meet hers. This shocked Amber. “And tell me what you want.”

Her mouth turned down into a frown. “W-what?”

I leaned forward, pressing my index finger into the table. “Tell me what you want, Amber. Right now. What do you want me to say? What do you want me to do? I can’t give you back ten years, but maybe there’s something else. You want me to write you a check? You want me to…to give you something?”

“No! It’s not about money or stuff.”

“Then what is it about? Do you want to try again?” Everything inside me caught fire at the idea. I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to spend another second trying to be who she needed, trying to puzzle out what exactly I’d done wrong and when. But for once, I wasn’t going to take the coward’s way out. I held her gaze. “Do you want to be with me?”