Page 22 of Back for Seconds

What if I get my period? Don’t answer that.

I haven’t gotten my period in years. Ha ha ha.

Hold on, I just ordered a white wine. It’s here. Slurp slurp.

I can’t believe I’m going to spend the holidays with strangers. After all these years.

I can’t remember a single Christmas in my life that I wasn’t doing something for someone else. When I was little, my mother used to make me roll meatballs until my wrists hurt. Then I worked at the restaurant with your dad. Then I had kids.

You know the rest.

Who am I supposed to be when I’m not someone who’s needed? Vincent was such a clingy baby. Sally slept like a log, once he finally went to sleep. And you? Oh, Junie, you wanted to be with me 24/7. Mommy this, mommy that. I would tell you, I’m going to change my name! You cried and cried. Ha ha ha. You were my little pal. I miss those days. Here come the tears.

Brb, more wine.

Ok, here’s what I think scares me the most: It’s been so long since I’ve done something only for myself, with only myself, that I’m afraid I might not be very good company.

That’s what makes me feel like I might faint before my feet even hit the deck.

I haven’t been scared like this in years, Junie. The last time I felt scared like this, I was staring down the barrel of thirty hours of labor with Vin.

And then, my whole life changed. You all burst into this world and carried me away on the biggest, weirdest, BEST adventure of my life.

So, this has to be a good sign. Being scared, I mean.

I think it means I’m definitely doing something TOTALLY new and unknown. I think it means I have NO IDEA what’s going to happen next. I think it means I’m going to FEEL PAIN but who knows? Maybe it’ll be worth it.

And that’s a really good thing.

Even if I’m so nervous I can’t sit still. Even if I drink way too much wine and wake up with a headache!! I know this will all have been worth it.

I don’t want you to spend Christmas alone. Your father loves you so much, and I know you’re angry at him but…

I don’t know what to say, June. I’m angry at him too.

I know your brothers and your dad don’t get what we’re going through. I know they don’t see the world like we do. Maybe I should have kept more of this to myself, let you draw your own conclusions? But then everything happened with Brian…

I am NOT SORRY we’ve been able to lean on each other. Never, ever.

He hurt you bad. Don’t forget that. I just don’t want you to think I’m the only person you have. Our family is big and beautiful. And it will always be our family. Ok?

It’s time, baby. It’s our time.

Xoxo

Mom

Chapter 9 June

Fifteen minutes before I needed to head out toward Joey’s place, a panic attack started its slow build in my chest.

First, a cold, clammy sweat began gathering behind my knees and on my upper lip, then—all at once—my shirt was itchy and my underwear was too tight. My thoughts began picking up steam while my breathing grew quick and shallow.

This skirt is stupid, too fancy. These earrings are too big.

I’m ugly; I’m worthless; I’m so, so bloated.

Next thing I knew, I was ripping off the outfit I’d angsted over, smearing off my red lipstick.