Page 93 of Everything She Wanted

“I care about you, Nisha. A lot. I just can’t do anything more than this.”

“You care about me? What does that even mean?” I shout at him, and I don’t even give a shit that people are turning around to look at us.

“It means I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have let things carry on like this for so long.”

“But you did. Why?”

“Fuck, I don’t know okay. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever met before.” He brings his hand to his forehead and drags it slowly through his hair. “But that doesn’t change anything for me.”

Of course it doesn’t.

“Go to hell, Nick.” I sigh and take a step back, looking out at the ocean.

The thought of spending hours in the car with him makes me want to vomit. I make a split-second decision as I realize I don’t have to keep putting myself through this.

“I have to get back. I’ll find my own way.” I rush off as fast as my impractical pumps take me.

“Wait.” He easily catches up to me. “Nisha, let me explain.” He approaches me cautiously like I’m a frightened animal.

I can’t take it anymore. “You’ve said enough. Please.” Tears stream freely down my cheeks, and I can barely make out his fuzzy form.

He offers a tissue. How does he always fucking have everything I could possibly need at his disposal?

“If that’s what you want.” He holds the tissue out. An offering.

“It is.” I don’t take it. Instead, I wipe the tears from my eyes with my hand.

He takes the same hand and gives me his car keys and the tissue. “You take the car.”

He leaves. The moment he’s gone, all I want is for him to come back because still, I’m a desperate fool, but I stand silently and watch him leave.

No one would want to be with you. Not how you are.

You’re right, Mom, you were always right. I believe you now.

32. Flowers and Banquet Halls

I walk through the doors of the condo, looking like a hot mess. My mascara is all over my cheeks, running through my caked-on foundation, and I’m lugging my carry-on behind me, along with Nick’s laptop and mine.

“You’re back!” Rachel’s voice comes toward me before I see her. She freezes when she sees my face.

“What the fuck happened?” Shock takes over her expression.

I drop everything to the ground and just fall to the entryway floor as the door closes behind me.

She rushes over and puts her arms around me. “Breathe.”

The panic takes over, and I can only take shallow gulps as Rachel rubs my back and smooths back my hair. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

She holds me and rocks me as I cry, even though I cried non-stop on the three-hour drive back to Vancouver. The tears are a river leading to a never-ending ocean of despair. I wish I could tell her everything—that I’m in love with Nick but he doesn’t want anything more with me, and it doesn’t matter because I’m with Eshaan. That a part of me thought that maybe, just maybe, we could figure it out, and that’s what I was wishing for all along, and why I didn’t stop things between us even though I know I should have.

Rachel holds me until my breathing finally returns to normal. Her thumbs wipe the tears from my eyes. “As much as I like hanging out with our expensive shoes, let’s go inside.”

I can’t even force a laugh.

She pulls me up and walks me inside like I’m something precious, and tears come flooding back when I remember I’m not. I’m nothing. No one.

She sits me on our revolving cozy chair, wrapping me in a blanket. “I’ll make us some tea.”