Page 84 of Everything She Wanted

I lie staring at the ceiling after a restless night’s sleep, letting my swarming thoughts take over.

Starting today, I won’t just have to worry about awkwardness with Nick but with Matt, too. I cringe as I think of how Shaan acted like a total psychopath around him. I pick up my pillow and put it over my face. Maybe I’ll call in sick today and just hide under the covers. Hide from the world and run away from my problems. It’s what I’m best at—according to my family, anyway.

The worst part is that Shaan’s right. I was angry at him for a few texts with his ex, when I’m out of control when I’m alone with Nick. It’s like my sense of right and wrong have gone out the window.

Suddenly the words I overheard him say to Matt take over my thoughts.

I don’t think of her like that.

His voice plays on repeat in my mind, my own personal torture chamber. It feels so real, what we have, like the most real thing in my life right now. The way he looks at me, like he really sees me. The things he says that make me feel like I matter. The small thoughtful details he always remembers.

My extra-sweet matcha latte.

How he can sense my nerves before every pitch and says just the right thing to calm me.

His arms, a personal haven.

His soft lips...

I have to stop this. Suddenly I’m twenty-one again, vulnerable, naïve, and taken advantage of.

We’re just having fun, right? Nothing serious. From what I’ve heard about you, I thought this is all you’d be into.

Nick’s been nothing but himself, and I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not. Someone who’s okay messing around behind her boyfriend’s back. The rumours about me don’t feel like rumours anymore. They are a reality I recreated when I had the chance to start over and start fresh. Now, years later, I’m in the same situation I spent so long running away from.

Matt confirmed what I already knew from the first night I met Nick. He was only interested in casual, and I would never want to be just that. Maybe in another lifetime we could be together, one where he wanted more or I wanted less, but in this one, it isn’t meant to be. At least this time no one knows. I have to keep it that way and keep myself away from Nick, no matter how fucking mesmerizing he is.

I have a chance at happiness with Eshaan, a real chance, but I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever be happy with him. After last night, I’m not sure about anything anymore. But one thing is clear: He’s my only option.

29. Behind Closed Doors

I’m debating getting a third coffee to get me through the rest of the afternoon when Matt pops his head in.

“Do you have a minute?” A nervous look flashes on his face.

“Sure.” He slides the door closed behind him but doesn’t step any closer. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry about Friday. I wasn’t trying anything. I wanted you to know that.”

The knot buried all day in my stomach loosens a little as he looks at me sheepishly.

“I mean, Nick mentioned you were seeing someone, so I—”

I cut him off, not wanting to be reminded of the conversation I overheard between them.

“It’s me who should apologize. My boyfriend shouldn’t have behaved like that.”

“No, it’s fine. I mean, I get it. I’d be the same way.”

“Would you really?”

A laugh escapes my mouth, imagining Matt with his kind teddy-bear demeanour trying to be menacing.

“Okay, maybe not that intense.” He grins back at me. “I hope this doesn’t affect us working together.”

“It won’t.” I get up from my desk. “I appreciate you coming by.”

He smiles and slides the office door open to leave, just as Nick comes to a halt in front of my door.

His eyes go from me to Matt and back again.