Page 52 of Everything She Wanted

“Sure.”

“Any place you want to go to?”

“Wherever is fine.”

I just have to breathe through one moment at a time.

“How about that sushi place you love?”

“Sounds great,” I answer as nausea builds in my stomach. I don’t know how I’ll be able to eat anything.

As I buckle the seatbelt, I catch a whiff of pine and sandalwood and become acutely aware that I am drenched in Nick’s scent that I love so much, but now it’s closing in on me, until my breaths are rapid gasps. I wonder if Shaan notices.

Normal, I have to act normal.

I nervously rub my thighs and take a few deep breaths, just like Rachel taught me to do when the anxiety is too much. Box breathing. Breathe in for four, hold for four, exhale for four, hold again for four.

My uneasy heart starts settling back into a gentle rhythm just as we reach the restaurant.

It’s not too busy, so we’re able to get a table right away. We order, and Eshaan fills me in on what’s been going on in his world. I pepper him with questions, so he doesn’t ask me anything. It works mostly until we’re finishing up.

“How was the conference? You did such a great job speaking.” His eyes shine as he looks at me, and my heart softens.

“It was really great. We made good connections and I met a lot of inspiring women.”

“It was just the two of you?” I know of Eshaan’s jealous tendencies, so instantly, my guard is up with his words. I know where this is heading.

“The leadership team had conferences in New Orleans and Denver, so for this one, we repped,” I say calmly even as my heart beats rapidly.

“Do you want to go look at rings this weekend?” I try to redirect him.

“I already found something that I know you’ll love.”

“Oh.” I hide my disappointment. I’m already letting his family pick everything, but I did want a say in the ring that I would be wearing forever.

“Trust me.” He looks at me confidently, and I nod and concede like I always do.

We usually spend at least one night a week together, but today, I make up an excuse and ask him to take me home.

Wrongness floods my system, one circuit at a time. I need time to recalibrate before I mess up everything.

Nick Tremblay started following you.

I lie in bed scrolling through my phone and try to suppress a thrill when this Instagram notification pops up, even though I know I shouldn’t care. Then I think of the photos I have up there of me with Eshaan and the most recent one from the fashion show, a selfie of me smiling at the camera, and Shaan kissing my cheek, and I immediately cringe. I’m tempted to delete those, but I know that would look suspect. It’s fine, I convince myself. It’s better that he knows.

I try to creep his profile, except it’s private. I won’t hit the follow-back button even as my fingers inch toward it. I have to dig myself out of the hole I find myself in, rather than throw myself deeper into it.

18. The Douchebag

I’m sitting in the bar on my own, and I feel lame, but I don’t want to leave just yet. Jess just left to head out on a date after our usual monthly drinks night, and I stayed behind to nurse the last few sips of my drink.

“Would you like another?” The waiter comes by, reading my thoughts.

“Sure, that would be great.”

The place is full of the after-work crowd, and the mix of office types and hipsters gives the place a cool vibe. I feel bad taking up a booth just for myself, but I tell myself it’s okay. I can take up space. I repeat Rachel’s words in my head, and treat this as a test from the universe to embrace the discomfort.

Nick and I have been keeping it professional. I should be relieved, but instead I’m deflated and more conflicted than ever. I thought keeping my distance would make me feel different, but it’s only as if my feelings have intensified. I find myself looking forward to our meetings, rereading our messages, and thinking of him more than normal.