Page 19 of Everything She Wanted

She wraps her arms around me, and I want to burst into tears. I hold them back instead.

“Nothing. It was a late night,” I choke out.

“Bullshit, something happened.” She pulls back from our embrace, and her eyes search my face. “I can cancel the class, and we can go somewhere and talk.”

“Rachel, no. You don’t need to do that. I’m fine. We can talk later.”

She eyes me up and down. I can see her deciding whether to trust the words I’m saying. Most of the time, I don’t trust myself either. “Fine. Right after class, then. Let’s go for coffee.”

“Sounds like a plan.” I smile halfheartedly.

Just then, a few women enter, and I head behind the desk while Rachel welcomes them. The room fills up, and I go through the motions of checking people in. I smile and nod along with the chatter without registering any of it until it’s time for the breathwork class to begin.

I don’t know exactly what it entails, but it sounds simple and like something I could manage more than yoga poses or Pilates today. We even get to lie down. As soon as we do, I realize I’m exhausted—more than exhausted. It’s almost like my energy has completely seeped out of me. Somehow, I feel more held lying on the hardwood floor right now than I did last night in Eshaan’s California king.

I listen to Rachel’s soothing voice.

“In, in, out, out.”

I can’t keep pace, but relaxation still flows through my body. A gentle wave in the storm brewing within me.

“You may feel different sensations come up or different emotions, from fear to anger to sadness. Don’t judge them or resist them.”

I breathe.

“Let them come upland then let them go.”

All I feel is tired and something else I can’t quite name. A heaviness. Maybe an emptiness.

I replay the fight with Eshaan last night in my head.

I just don’t get why you always need attention. It’s actually kind of sad.

I go rigid. Rage builds, replacing the calm. I’m an attention seeker for taking one picture? He’s always surrounded by girls flirting with him, touching his arm, leaning in to whisper in his ear—all right in front of me. Even last night when Anjali and I returned to the table, Eshaan was sitting with some of the girls who took a picture with me earlier. One was sitting entirely too close. I stood back as anger blasted through my chest, but Anjali charged straight ahead, commanding the space, and they quickly got up and left. I gave him the grace of pretending not to notice, but he never lets me off the hook no matter how innocent.

Rachel’s voice grounds me back in the present. I listen and tell myself to focus on the now. And that’s what I do, or at least try to do, for the next hour.

“Great work, everyone. Now just breathe normally and give your body a stretch or shake if you need to.”

This is exactly what I needed to clear my thoughts and get back into my body. The shame and anger are still there, but they’re not as intense.

“Grab any props you need—maybe a pillow for your eyes, or a cushion to place under your knees—and lie down when you’re ready. I’ll ring a gentle chime to bring you back into this space.”

My body is calmer, and I find my mind escaping to Nick. I see his eyes, meeting mine from across the boardroom and in an instant, I’m lost in the ocean blue, and I want to stay there.

I hear others around me stir.

Why would Nick pop into my life now? It feels like this universal test. But I can’t afford to get caught up in it. I’ll continue to be professional and focus on my goals, even if things with Eshaan aren’t always easy.

Rachel and I are standing in front of the pastry case at our favourite cafe. The smell of freshly baked croissants is intoxicating. I only had a couple of drinks last night, but I barely slept and I’m ready to eat everything in sight.

“What do you feel like getting?” Rachel asks.

“Everything.”

“That hungover, huh?”

“Just a little.” I give her a small smile.