Page 131 of Everything She Wanted

I go to Fisherman’s Wharf and indulge in mini donuts without guilt as I wander the docks and take in the whimsical, colourful houses built right onto the water.

I go to the Dallas Road Pavilion, which has an incredible stairway that I take right down to the ocean. I stand on the last step and just stare out at the sea, trying to forget what the ocean blue reminds me of.

It’s my last day in Victoria, and there’s only one place I want to be. Growing up in Toronto I always dreamed of living close to the water, and now that I do, I barely go to the beach—but that will change, starting now. I go to Willows Beach and settle in on the sand. It’s not pristine, but the rocks, driftwood and tangled seaweed make it more real, and that’s what I need. I tug off my sneakers and pull off my socks. Then I dig my feet into the warm sand until I hit the damp, cool grains underneath the surface. I stare at the expansive ocean and watch as the sun glitters over it, reminding me of my engagement outfit that did the same. Varying shades of pink and gold, sprinkled with delicate embroidery that looked stunning on the outside, but on the inside, I could feel every stitch. Just as I can feel everything now. The anguish, the relief, the fear, the devastating heartache, and the emotions too big to name.

I lose myself watching the rhythmic waves and let the tension around my heart unspool until the sun rises higher in the sky. I eventually take my new journal out of my bag and run my hands over the lovely pink leather cover, which is embroidered with shiny gold moons. I picked it up earlier from a local maker’s shop, and I love it. It’s been years since I wrote in a journal, even though I always had a diary as a child.

It’s time to process everything that happened and try to make sense of it all. The hardest part is being honest with myself.

It’s my need for constant approval and validation from my mom and Eshaan that made me disregard my emotions and distrust my intuitive nudges. Gaining everyone else’s approval isn’t worth it, even though I thought it would be. I have to live with myself, and I can’t live with this. Being with someone who doesn’t understand or support my dreams and career, and who lies so effortlessly and puts me down so easily. I hate being single again, after dreaming of a solid partnership for as long as I can remember, but it’s already better than whatever I had with Eshaan.

I write non-stop for I don’t know how long and realize that it’s okay for me to be incredibly ambitious and passionate about my career, even if others don’t understand, and it’s okay to not follow the status quo and instead do things on my own timeline. To live in a way that makes me happy without having to constantly explain my choices to others or convince them to see things my way. And finally, that it’s okay to be almost thirty and not have my life figured out.

Doing what I need, not what everyone else wants, goes against everything I learned growing up. Yet it feels right in a way that I never anticipated. Like a deep knowing that I’m on the right path, even though I’m not yet sure where that path will lead me.

I stare at the waves, letting the realizations sink in, and decide that it’s time to officially say goodbye to Fantasy Nisha and embrace the real Nisha. Maybe she would never be enough for the world, but she’s more than enough for me. Although it hurts to even think about now, maybe someday she will be enough for someone else, too. Tears cascade down my cheeks as I wonder if that will ever be possible. If I even wanted it to be anymore. I couldn’t imagine a future without Nick, but now I have to, and it’s more than I can bear. After everything, my heart still longs for him even though it’s too little, too late for us.

Just call him.

I brush the thought aside. I can’t put myself through any more heartbreak.

The man that will be the hardest to get over is the one I’m not even in a relationship with. It’d be comical if it weren’t so sad. I wipe my tears away as an eagle swoops up and glides across the crashing ocean waves. It flies higher until it’s barely visible against the soft, pillowy clouds. A toddler who’s spent the last five minutes staring at the ocean suddenly breaks free from her mom’s grasp and splashes her little feet at the shoreline. I smile as I watch her stomp around without a care. I silently wish that I could be as free as that eagle and as unburdened as that little girl. Maybe I’m taking my first step to be.

As tempting as it is to continue to dwell, I know nothing good will come of it. I have already been through so much, and I don’t need to put myself through more. The heartache and heartbreak are already all-consuming.

My only regret is how I handled things with Nick. Even being here, away from everything, does nothing to stop the bottomless pit growing in my stomach, knowing that I lost my one real chance at happiness. Still, I do my best to forgive myself for everything, and although I’m not ready yet, somehow, I will find a way to forgive Eshaan, too.

I don’t know what the universe has in store for me anymore, but more than ever before, I feel that everything will be okay.

I told myself to stay away, but Lucy keeps messaging me, and I’ve been sending her photos of what I’m up to. I stop by and see her at the store before I leave.

She pulls me into a hug and walks me out, where she stands looking at me for a second and then blurts out, “I know you’re just getting out of a relationship, and I know it’s not my business at all, and I know I shouldn’t even be saying this, but my brother really likes you. Like, like likes you and he’s tried to deny it, but it’s so obvious because he’s the worst liar. Maybe when you’re ready, you could ask him out? Okay bye!” She leaves before I can even reply.

I know I can never pursue anything more with him. He told me he doesn’t do relationships, and I obviously don’t have a good track record either. If things didn’t work out it would destroy me. I can’t risk my heart. We missed our chance, and we will never ever get another one.

I take the ferry back to Vancouver on Friday, and even though I’m still sad, I feel like a lighter, happier version of me.

The best part? I like this version of me.

48. Plenty of Fish

I can’t help but smile as I walk into my new office on Monday. It’s spacious and bright with an incredible view, and even a couch in the corner. I wonder how I’ll decorate it. I think about asking Lucy, but I’m not sure I should continue talking with her. My phone buzzes with a text.

It was so nice to connect last week. Hope I didn’t make things awkward. I would love to be friends, and you don’t have to date my brother for that (but you should totally consider it...when you’re ready 😉)

I smile despite myself. She has this light, bubbly energy that’s infectious. I don’t think I would ever not want to be her friend, but the thought of hearing about Nick’s exploits makes my heart plummet.

One day at a time. One moment at a time.

I sit in my chair and twirl around, giddy with excitement.

“Whoa, look who’s moving up in the world!” Matt pokes his head into my office.

“Come in, sit.” I gesture at my guest chair.

“We missed you around here, you have no idea,” he says as he sits.

“Fill me in.” I lean back in my cushy chair and clasp my hands before me.