Page 40 of Unnecessary Drama

‘Hi,’ I say brightly, and then I stand up, I’m not sure why, because I think maybe we’re going to hug, although I have no idea why I think that, but now the thought is in my head. I’m going to hug him hello.

‘Hi,’ he says, looking at me.

‘How are you?’ I say, in my warmest voice, leaning forward a little, hoping he’ll go in for a hug first.

‘Good?’ he says, looking hesitant and confused. Maybe he’s wondering why I’m standing up, or if we’re going to hug. Be confident, be the one in charge. I’m already standing, I need to follow through. I reach forward and give him a quick ‘nice to meet you’ hug and a cheek kiss. It feels very Melbourne, very adult, very ‘I’m experienced at dating’, very ‘my life is sexy and interesting and I am too’. I have transcended my small-town self.

He hugs me back, kind of, but he still seems hesitant.

I sit down, and he remains standing. Oh god, he’s going to leave. The photo Penny sent was too nice, and in the light of day, the reality is starkly different. I should have sat somewhere with more flattering light. God, he’s not even going to give me a chance to impress him with my personality. My pithy texts—do they count for nothing?

‘So, um, can I get you anything?’ he asks.

‘Oh I think they do table service here,’ I say.

‘Yes we do,’ he says, nodding at me, and then I see he has pulled out a notepad and pen. The reality of what is happening is dawning on me, at first slowly, then all at once, like a bucket of icy water, a few drops, then the whole thing poured straight over my head.

That’s not Henry. That is the waiter.

I hugged the waiter.

I hugged and cheek kissed the waiter.

I grip the edge of the table and try to stay calm.

‘Um, just, I, I’m waiting for someone?’ My voice is so high that it’s almost not discernible. I’m talking at a pitch maybe only dogs can hear.

‘Right,’ he says. ‘I’ll come back.’

As soon as he leaves, I sit for three seconds, face burning. This is okay, this is recoverable, this is a minor event in the course of a whole lifetime, think of the bigger picture, this is a funny story I can tell Henry when he gets here, we can make a joke with the waiter about it, if we get married they’ll tell the story at our wedding ceremony, hilarious, hilarious, hilarious.

And then the adrenaline of my fight-or-flight response kicks in.

I need to leave right now.

I grab my bag, get up and run out the door.

19

I have to walk around the streets and deep-breathe for ten minutes until my heart slows down enough for me to think.

Henry has sent me a ‘Hey, I can’t find you’ text. And a ‘Are you definitely here?’ And another one checking he has the right cafe. And then one saying, ‘The waiter thinks you might have been here and then left?’

That fucking waiter.

What a betrayal. He sits only slightly behind Jesse for deep, life-changing betrayals now.

Poor Henry. Poor lovely flute-playing, stand-up-comedian Henry with notable eyebrows who drove to the other side of the city to meet me.

What if someone saw the whole thing and filmed it and it’s going viral right now? I resist the urge to go on every social media platform and start randomly scouring.

Okay, how do I recover this. I could just ghost him, never respond to his texts, block him, pretend it never happened. Except he’s Penny’s cousin, and everyone will know. Also that makes me an awful person. Henry deserves better.

I could tell him the truth. No, I can’t type that story out. I just can’t. And how do I explain the leaving, the failing to text him immediately and request to raincheck, I just left him sitting there, stood-up, how bloody horrible.

How to say, I had to walk around the streets until the ringing in my ears stopped and my heart slowed and my face was no longer burning like the fire of a thousand suns. That I was in a state of such acute embarrassment, I was unable to communicate, that I briefly transcended the earth. But I’m completely normal and very dateable. Please give me another chance.

What if Henry is my soulmate, my one true love, and I’ve blown it? He was so cute. Well, okay, I don’t know this for sure, since I can’t remember what he looks like, but the waiter was cute, and I have to imagine Henry looked somewhat similar to him.