Page 251 of Valentino

He told me all the way back then, years ago, that I broke his heart and at the time I dismissed it. I was so self-absorbed, so worried about myself that I never even ….

Is he suffering as much as I am?

Because if he is, I can’t bear it. I can’t stand the thought of putting someone through the heartache that I feel.

Part of me, a big part of me…like 89 percent…wants to give in. To call him and go to Milan and run into his arms and live happily ever after. But the other 11 percent of me knows that in years to come I’ll live to regret it, because I’m positive that there won’t be a happy ever after in his arms. Him yes, maybe. But everything else about his life is a nightmare waiting to unfold and knowing what I know, and what I’ve already gone through, I can’t do it to myself.

Nothing has changed between us, the reasons we couldn’t come to an agreement are still firmly there and I see his side of it, I do.

How could he turn his back on Ferrara?

But am I really going to turn my back on my own needs to support his?

Young Anna would have; she would have followed her heart into a burning building and happily burned down along with it. But thirty-year-old Anna, she isn’t so hasty to give up on her dreams.

I’ll get through this, and I know that eventually it will be okay.

But what if it’s not?

What if I never get over him…. Am I going to end up a lonely old lady with twenty cats?

I’m bone tired but I can’t sleep, I’m hungry and starved for nutrients but I can’t eat.

I’m trying to keep myself busy at night by watching Netflix, but I can’t stand romcom or anything light…. So I watch true crime.

The fucking irony….

What’s keeping me company is exactly what’s keeping me sad.

And I hate him for making me feel like this, but I hate myself more for loving him.

I hold the remote up at the television and flick through the channels, I’m looking for the most fucked-up series there is. Something sinister and evil that’s going to break me, rip my heart out before dragging me down to the depths of hell.

Because maybe I’ll find him there…broken, covered in blood…and searching for salvation. He’ll run to my arms, and he’ll be happy to see me.

Completely mine.

“I’m leaving, Anna.” Maria ducks her head into the office. “Have a good night.”

“You, too.” I smile, lighting claps in the distance and outside the rain comes down hard.

“Oh great,” Maria sighs. “Why does it always rain right on home time?”

“So that we get wet,” I reply.

“Not funny, God.” Maria sighs as she pulls her umbrella out of her bag. “Do you have an umbrella?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, don’t stay long. Have a good night.”

“You, too.” I force a smile. Guaranteed not to have a good night, but whatever.

Half an hour later, I finish up for the day. Turn my computer off and set the alarms on the office.

I must say, being unhappy sure makes me a hard worker, every day I’m first in and last to leave. Home and in my own company is the very last place I want to be.

I go down the stairs and walk out through the large glass doors, it’s really coming down now, and I put my umbrella up.