Page 60 of Hate You Most

Finally, in a tight voice, Dakota said, “Yes. Yeah, absolutely—you can wear it.” It hit her a second later, the crack in Dakota’s voice that hadn't been there before and the way she wasn’t quite meeting her eyes anymore. When Viktoriya stepped closer, it became undeniable. Dakota was crying.

Dakota turned and left the room while wiping a tear from her cheek. She disappeared down the hallway and returned a few moments later holding a small velvet box in her hands. She set it carefully on the dresser in front of Viktoriya.

Viktoriya reached for it, opened it and couldn't help but gasp softly. She didn't know what she should have expected, but it wasn't this. Inside were two simple silver bands. One with a larger diamond in the middle, and one with smaller diamonds in a row down the band.

“You picked both,” Dakota said softly and took out the band with smaller diamonds. “This one was yours.”

Viktoriya stared at it, unsure what she should be feeling. A part of her had hoped that seeing the rings would somehow return her memory, but all she was left with was nothing but an empty gaping hole in her chest. She really had married Dakota, and she couldn't remember it at all.

Slowly, she slid the ring onto her finger.

“It fits,” she whispered.

Dakota smiled. “Good. I thought you might want it back.”

Viktoriya still couldn’t picture herself openly loving a woman. She couldn’t connect the weight in her chest to any meaningful desire or longing. All she knew was that Dakota’s silence was heavy, and that somehow without meaning to, she had touched something fragile.

“I don’t remember choosing this,” Viktoriya said quietly, more to herself than to Dakota. “I don’t remember any of it.”

Dakota wiped her eyes and nodded, forcing a small smile. “That’s okay.”

Viktoriya wasn’t sure it was. She turned the ring slightly around her finger.

“In Russia,” she said after a moment, her voice distant, “this would not be allowed.” She didn’t look at Dakota when she added, “Maybe that is why it feels unreal.”

The words hung between them. Dakota didn't have a response to her, which Viktoriya appreciated—nothing she said could make this feel right.

To Viktoriya a wedding ring was a symbol of eternal love and devotion to each other—it was a symbol of everything she wasn't allowed to be. She pictured the police standing outside her parents’ door, her younger sister—whom she barely had a relationship with—being arrested or fined. She pictured her father’s disapproving face—and the nation’s disappointment that would follow. Since she was a public figure, she could be seen as endorsing a non-traditional relationship. She saw it clearly in her mind, how she never returned home and never set foot in Russia again. If the wrong person found out, she would never again skate for Russia, never represent her own country. Her medals would probably be taken from her. All because of who she had married and what that marriage represented in their eyes.

Russia felt very far away from her at that moment, and for reasons she couldn’t explain, that made it easier to breathe.

They moved silently down the stairs and settled into the couch. The TV was turned on and the chocolate candy was brought out in little ceramic bowls. Not even ten minutes into the movie and it was too much for her head. The headache was spreading from the very base of her neck to her temples.

Dakota glanced over, turned the TV off. “Everything okay?”

Viktoriya hugged a pillow to her chest. “I’m frustrated.”

“Headache?”

Viktoriya couldn't respond. She took a deep breath and breathed through the shooting pain. Dakota got up and quickly returned with a tall glass of water and four pills. She swallowed them and leaned back on the couch. She tilted sideways until she was laying on top of Dakota's leg. It somehow helped the pain and the nausea, so she didn't dare move.

“My memory,” she half mumbled as she stared at the turned off TV across the room. She didn't make eye contact with Dakota, she couldn't bear it. “Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, that it will come back when it’s ready. But I wake up every day and it's still gone.” Her throat tightened. “I feel like I’m failing at something I don’t remember signing up for.”

Dakota shifted slightly but didn’t move away. “You’re not failing.”

Viktoriya swallowed. “I don’t feel married to you.”

The words landed between them, heavy and undeniable.

Dakota exhaled slowly. “Okay.”

“I didn't—I didn't mean that I don’t care about you,” Viktoriya rushed to clarify. “I do, and I like you. I feel safe with you. But when I think about being married and having a wife, it feels like I am thinking about someone else.”

“That makes sense.”

“It does?”

“Yeah,” Dakota said quietly. “It would be weird if you did feel married. You don’t remember falling in love or choosing me. Or any of it, really.”