Page 121 of Changing Lanes

She flips over so suddenly, I almost roll off the side of the bed but manage to play it off by grabbing a condom from the nightstand instead. Propped on my side, I reach an arm around her middle and bring her to me, plastering her back to my front with her top leg bent over my thighs.

As we line ourselves up for what might be the hundredth time already, it still feels like the first time all over again. When you love someone, sex is no longer just a physical act, it’s a total experience fusing your minds, bodies, and souls together as one. I knew it at the festival, probably before that if I’m being over-the-top, confessional-type honest instead of my usual understated self. I’d thought, hoped, maybe even prayed a little, but I wasn’t sure until that moment when we came together that she was what I would spend the rest of my life trying to replicate if she denied her true feelings for me. Fuck, even during our quickies—not because I’m quick, just because we’ve had to rush a few times thanks to our time restrictions—the connection is just as strong.

There’s something that happens, something inexplicable but no less bone deep that lets you know that this, this is what you’ll never find again. No matter how hard or long you look, you’ll never be with another person that sets off that emotion in you so you better grab hold while you can and never let go.

My hand fists her hair, and using my elbow for leverage, I draw her head back before sinking into her fully from behind. The angle is incredible and since I have damn near every part of Paige’s toned body on display, I take a minute to simply look at her as she adjusts to the snug fit. Only when she starts cursing me out for having more patience than her—which is laughable in itself—do I move. Not at the rate she wants but the pace I need. I got one shot at this and I’m not blowing it along with my load in the first thirty seconds.

“Dream?”

Low-key ignoring me, her hand drifts up the back of my neck, searching for leverage of her own and I lean forward to bite her collarbone, basically blocking her chance to speed things up. Breaths become strained, stomachs begin shaking and I know, I know she’s dying for the release I’m quickly approaching myself.

Not yet though.

With a rougher tone, I try again. “Dream?”

Gasps fall from her open mouth in time with my chaotic rhythm, as I pump into her from behind with long, shaky strokes, hitting her core with every thrust. My other hand slides around to her neglected clit and I’m rewarded with a frantic cry as I squeeze the swollen nub between two fingers.

“You love me, dream?”

After a slight hesitation, a jolted nod is all I get in response but damn, that’s not enough. I need more. The first woman in my life never even bothered to earn the pedestal I built for her. I’m not making that mistake again. Now the spot at my side is cleared and ready to be claimed by the only woman that’s proved she deserves it. Hell, she’ll be the last woman in my life as far as I’m concerned unless she gives me that curly haired daughter I’ve found myself imagining lately.

Paige just needs to show me she wants it as much as I do. I need the words like I need the actions to prove them. Call me jaded but reassurance never hurt anybody. Deception sure the fuck did though.

Paige’s nails dig into my wrist, nodding harder and pleading with me so I slam into her unchecked, pulling her hair taut and whispering in her ear, “Damn, you feel so good.”

“I missed you today. I miss you every day.”

“I want you, always.”

And, finally, “I love you, Paige.”

That last confession sends us both spiraling into a sea of stars so bright I have to close my eyes briefly.

While I wait for Paige to catch her breath, I kiss her shoulder, loving the way her skin breaks into goose bumps.

“Shit, Beckett. Do you ever shut up?”

My mouth splits into a grin at the crook of her neck. She knows damn well I don’t but her sarcasm never ceases to amuse me.

“Yes, I love you,” she says. “Of course I love you. You’re the shining nightlight that brought me out of an abyss of darkness. You’re everything I didn’t know to look for.”

I feel her ribs stiffen against mine.

Smile dropping, I reposition us so we’re on our sides face-to-face, gazing into each other’s eyes where I can see my own sentiment looking back at me. She means it. At least I hope she does. There’s still that little flicker of doubt I’m not sure I’ll ever fully rid myself of.

Her finger traces the band on my arm making me freeze.

Squinting at the barely noticeable letters, she asks a little breathless still, “What does that say anyway?”

Most people think my tattoo is a solid band and for good reason. I designed it like that. I wanted the quote to be for me and me alone but Paige isn’t most people and if I want this to work, I can’t hide any part of me from her. I just didn’t think it’d be this soon. I haven’t had to think about it at all with my dream catcher always around now.

With a husky lilt, I say, “The cure for pain is in the pain.” I’d already realized how much the pain from another wound distracted me from the pain of my mother’s abandonment and figured a tattoo was just one more form of redirection.

The Rumi quote’s directly above one of my many scars. I got it done after a particularly bad accident, landing a jump I had no business being on to begin with. I nailed it actually, but ultimately had to bail when my tire came loose. I’d just checked it that morning but must’ve missed something. At least that’s what I told everyone. Now, I’m not so sure. Maybe I never was.

“Like your nightmares.”

My chest constricts. “What do you mean?”