Page 68 of Detour

Blanket tucked under his arm, we wander over to spread it out closer to the ledge.

Once settled, we divide up the different containers and Coty happily digs in. Since I’m too hungry to nitpick about prices, I do, too.

I take in the town below as I chew. I’ve lived here my whole life and never saw it from this perspective. The ability to see further gives the illusion the city is bigger than it is, that it holds more opportunity than it actually does. Seeing buildings, roads—things that seem so large and imposing— appear so small and inferior, it makes me think about the issues in my life. They consume my thoughts and squash my hopes, piling up, making it hard to see past them. But if I change my perspective, maybe I’d be able to see around the problems more clearly.

“What are you thinking about?”

“How different it feels up here.”

“Crazy, huh? I love being here at night but my favorite time is during the day, when I can see everything that I drive right by without ever noticing.”

I glance over to watch as he takes in the scene below.

“Like what?”

He points his finger and I follow its path. “See that mountain? Years ago, when Mount St. Helens erupted, ash blew for miles and miles, even reaching over here. That mountain, standing directly in the debris’ path, took the biggest blast, making it very rich in silt. There was so much ash, of course, that it spread everywhere, but that mountain has more than the rest of this entire region. Nothing’s out there still, so it looks just like the others but it’s not. Not even close.”

Coty’s eyes round as he talks.

“Will they develop it at some point?”

He shrugs a little too nonchalantly. “Probably. This area is growing every day. It’d be stupid not to use that land. The bottom is safe from the harsh winds that are infamous for wreaking havoc here. Hence.” He gestures to the countless turbines spinning above our heads. “That soil’s rich with nutrients you can’t buy. It’s where I would plant crops.”

“Do you want to? Plant crops?”

He lies back and covers his face with an arm to block the sun. He pats his chest for me to join him with the other but I lie alongside him instead.

“Someday, I do. A nice piece of land where I can ride and grow things. Rugrats running around.” He peeks out from under his arm at me.

I drop my eyes. I’ve never put much thought into my future long-term, only able to see the obstacles right in front of me. Again, looking at things from a different perspective can reveal things I didn’t know were there. Hopes, dreams, goals I never realized I wanted. The way Coty describes his future makes it sound attainable, not like he just wants to get there but that he plans to. Knowing Coty’s persistent ass, he probably will.

“What about you?”

Voice coarse, I counter, “What about me?”

“Do you want a family?”

Shit.

I squint at the clouds overhead and blow out a breath. “I don’t know. I never really thought about it. Growing up with my mom’s revolving door of men, I spent so much time resenting the pressure she put on her relationships. You know? Like her happiness depended on a man. I learned to stand on my own instead of hinging my well-being on a guy, never considering what genuine love would look like. I’ve never seen a healthy relationship to even want one for myself. I’ve just been content to survive, never bothering to strive for more. If that makes sense.” A blush coats my face. “But your dream sounds nice. I hope you get it. You’d be a great dad.”

I try to blink back the vision that scenario generates but against my better judgement, I don’t. I imagine Coty with another woman—beautiful, happy, loved—standing on their porch together, watching their kids—laughing, ecstatic, loved—play in their expansive country yard.

That freeloader Gale, the one who showed up unannounced the second we arrived, upgrades from a forceful wind to a full-blown fucking cyclone knocking around my chest until the rest of me is rattling in confusion.

Knowing Coty will live out his fantasy, alongside someone that deserves to share it with him, fills me with such agony I rub small circles against my sternum. On the other hand, the thought that he might not get the package deal he so desperately yearns for somehow hurts even worse.

I force myself to breathe normally even though breathing is the last thing I feel like doing.

“Hey.” I turn to find him propped on his elbow gazing down at me, eyebrows pinched. “The wounds our parents make can leave the ugliest scars. But they can also teach us what not to do. If you burn your hand on the stove, do you just give up ever using it again?” The circular motion stops and I give him a blank stare. He does know cooking is not my thing, right? Luckily, he doesn’t expect an answer. “No. You learn not to put your bare hand on a hot stove the next time you cook. You’re more careful, more thoughtful, more prepared. Our parents influence who we are, but we choose who we become. Their mistakes don’t have to be ours.”

“God, I hope so.”

“I know so. Look at my parents. The damage my dad’s done can never be erased but that won’t stop me from working my ass off being a better man, and one day husband, than him. I choose that. Watching him hurt my mom, I don’t ever want to cause that kind of pain to someone I love. So, I won’t.” He shrugs like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like his father’s ghost won’t haunt him for years to come even if he’s already dead to Coty.

Although, the conviction in his voice makes me believe him. He’ll make an amazing husband to someone, not because he was shown how, but because he wasn’t. Coty’s strong enough to carve his own path, taking the road that’s been hidden from him by his parents’ troubled marriage and I’ll bet he makes it there without incident.

With a glance down below, I can’t help but wonder what alternate routes lie ahead for me. Whatever awaits me I know I have to be open to try.