Page 109 of Detour

“I don’t either.”

A loud curse steals our attention.

“Fucking idiot. What is this, amateur hour?”

Beckett smacks the hood. “Fuck off, bro. I didn’t bring a rag.”

We rush over, finding an angry burn on Beckett’s hand. He’s already rubbing furiously at the wound, clearly making it worse.

“Stop that.” I yank his uninjured hand away, saying, “I’ll get the first aid kit.”

Coty joins me in the kiosk, grabbing a towel and a cup of water. Returning to the car, Coty and Marc confer by the hood while I treat Beckett’s burn. His pinched eyebrows soften as I smooth on some of the ointment from the small kit.

“Why are you helping her?” he asks softly.

I attach a large bandage, keeping my eyes trained on my movements. “Faye won’t be happy finding that piece of shit blocking her business tomorrow morning. How’s your hand?”

He flexes his fingers, testing his mobility with the binding.

“Good, thanks. I still can’t believe I did that shit.”

“We all make mistakes. Treat it as a lesson learned and move on.” I’m suddenly reminded of Coty telling me something very similar but about burning your hand in the kitchen.

“This was a lesson I’ve been taught many, many times though. It was just stupid.”

I nod, wiping the excess goop on a towel. “Maybe, but being mad at yourself isn’t going to do any good. And being angry at the car won’t help matters either,” I add, seeing his glare. “Don’t let anger get the better of you. You’re smarter than that. That thing,” I gesture to his hand, “will only get infected if you don’t treat it with care, then your mistake will continue to grow and won’t heal correctly.”

“Why are you so good to us, Angie?”

“Because you’re good to me.”

“We’re only doing this for you. Not for her.” He leans down to kiss my forehead so I lift my eyes to his, silently thanking him.

I mull over my words to Beckett while I drift toward Rianne. By staying angry at my mom—the constant analyzing, the refusing to forgive—it’s kept the hurt at the forefront of my mind, preventing me from moving forward. Being mad at myself hasn’t helped either. By continuously picking at the open wound she’s caused, I’ve been prolonging the healing process all along. Just like Beckett’s burn, I need to treat the injury with care if I want it to improve, for me to be free of the pain I’ve been living with for so long. Deciding to do the opposite of what my anger is trying to trick me into, I forgive the woman who’s caused the damage I’ve grown to resent. As Beckett said, not for her, but for me.

“Your car’s almost done. You should be able to get it someplace to have it looked at. My guys are really good with cars if you want to take it to them.”

She scoffs, meeting my eyes. “Your guys?”

My face softens. “Yeah.” I drop my gaze, nudging a pebble with my shoe. “You’ve had a rough time, I know that. Some at your own hands, but everybody deserves love and you’ve been through hell searching for it. Kelsie loves you and-” I swallow down the pride trying to elbow past. “It probably doesn’t mean much but I love you, too. You didn’t have to have me, or keep me, but you did. You gave me a chance at life that I don’t take for granted even if I’ve said otherwise in the heat of the moment. I wouldn’t have found the happy waiting for me,” my eyes touch on Coty briefly, “and for that, I’ll always be grateful to you.”

Each kind word spoken is a stitch in the gaping hole left behind by a negligent parent until the steady throb fades to a calm sting.

“But my love can only be from afar. We’ve been through too much to pretend everything’s fine— it’s not. I refuse to enable you or be your punching bag. I’m not sure what made you show up here today, but I’m glad you did. I want to apologize to you. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want,” my voice cracking, I continue, “but this is me and I’m okay with that. I wish you a happy, or at least content, life. It’ll just have to be without me in it from now on.”

The scar left behind will forever serve as a reminder of a hard lesson learned but I can move on knowing I kept my composure when I could’ve easily buckled from the pressure. I’ll remember how much strength it took to show kindness in a time when everything in me screamed not to. I’ll reflect back on how the grace I showed not only to her, but to myself, resulted in a healthier me overall. I’m ready for bigger and better things sans impossibly heavy baggage.

The hood slams closed and the guys round her car. My gaze follows them as they walk to their bikes, giving us a little longer. When I look back, she’s watching me through watery eyes.

“Good for you. Telling off the big, bad monster, right? That’s it? You apologize once and I’m supposed to just accept it?”

She stands, coming closer and once she’s within arm’s reach, I wrap her in a hug.

“The choice is yours. Do whatever you want, but this is my goodbye.” I release her and any remaining animosity.

Halfway to Coty, I hear her say, “Do you really think they’re going to stick around?”

Without taking my eyes off Coty, I smile. “Maybe.” I look over at Rianne for what might be the final time. “I’m willing to take that chance though.”