Page 55 of A Duchess Untouched

He could not bear the thought that his brother had been dead for so long while the woman he loved and their child still lived in poverty. He could not carry on with his own comfortable life, enjoying every luxury and remaining blissfully content while Mary and little Robert struggled. What troubled him most was not the money, since Mary was supposedly gainfully employed at Essex House, but the fact that they still had no protection. He had left her without a family to rely on. Worse, Selina knew nothing about it. Matthew realized that he was betraying not only his brother’s memory but also his wife by keeping this from her.

I have been so selfish…

“Matthew, are you all right? You have been oddly quiet.”

Maximus barked at him, as if he was just as concerned as Oliver.

“I have to find a way to talk to Mary,” Matthew rasped, his eyes fixed on the carved Wentley crest. In another life, if the accident had not happened, Robert would have been the Duke of Wentley. And this thought never left Matthew’s mind. “I made a promise at his grave. I swore to take care of the ones he loved, hoping I could fix what I broke. I cannot let myself be happy until I do. It feels as if I am betraying him. As if I have forgotten.”

“Robert broke many things, too, Matthew,” Oliver said, placing a hand over Matthew’s shoulder. “He lived like a storm, just like you did. He always followed his heart with no care for repercussions.”

“Still, he never hurt anyone. I was the one with the reputation of a rake, Oliver,” Matthew reminded his brother. “I was the one who made decisions that did not make sense. I was the one who caused the loss of our brother. Do you believe that he might somehow still be looking down on us from heaven? Does he still think that I can fix the unfixable? Does he blame me for letting myself be happy before caring for his woman and child?”

Matthew squeezed his eyes shut, clenching a fist around the paper in his hand. It was nearly in shreds, like his hope and dreams for the future. When he opened his eyes, he could see his younger brother watching him with what looked like pity… and concern.

“Matthew… Please, do not say such things.”

“No, would you forgive me if you were Robert?” Matthew asked, hurling his words at Oliver. “What if he could see me now? I am no longer searching for Mary and his child. During the four years I had been investigating, I lived a haggard life, sleeping in cold inns and eating gruel. Now, I am back in my warm bed, dining on silver plates. Not only that, but I now… I now feel happy with my wife at my side. Meanwhile, his child eats what? Stale bread and salted broth?”

Oliver sighed sadly, for what could either of them do at that point? Mary Wills would not budge, and Matthew could not blame her. She was naturally suspicious, and he probably did not seem trustworthy.

“Stop tormenting yourself, Matthew,” Oliver said. His brother had never ever commanded him before, but those words certainly sounded like a command. “You are punishing yourself for the past, an accident that you never wished on anyone, much less Robert. It was not your choice that he had taken a mistress and had a child by her. He could have already taken some townhouse to put Mary and his child in, providing for them. He would have, if he were still alive, but neither of us knew how things would unfold. I am certain of nothing, Matthew. However, I am certain that you should stop punishing yourself. You have already spent four years driving your wife away simply because you thought you did not deserve to be happy.”

“Do I?” Matthew asked. “Perhaps what I need is to atone for my sins.”

“It is nothing but self-flagellation,” Oliver retorted, his breath coming in gasps now. Matthew prepared himself to stop the argument. His brother looked unwell. “Do remember that Robert was my brother, too. I loved him. I still do. However, I know that if he were standing here with us, he would tell you to stop brooding and enjoy your life. It is what he would want for you. It is what anyone who loves you would want for you.”

Matthew closed his eyes again, trying to steady his ragged breathing. He wanted that, too. Peace. A life spent simply enjoying himself with Selina. Her face flashed through his mind. He could still see her cheeks flushing red as he pressed her against the library wall. She belonged to him, and he to her. He could hear her sigh his name as they held each other’s gaze while making love. He could see her smile and blush at his teasing.

“I have to make Mary hear me out,” Matthew declared. “I can give Selina the peace and happiness she deserves only after I finish this. Whenever I look at my wife, I am reminded of the secrets between us. She thinks my walls are finally coming down, but I am still hiding something incredibly important from her. She has no idea that I have been searching for Robert’s child all these years. As far as she knows, I left her because she was not worth my attention. I let her believe that! I take her to bed while still lying to her.”

He was a cad! A rake. He had also caused Wentley House to fall into disarray. His accounts might be in order, and the estate might be flourishing, but the man in position was not the one who was supposed to be in it.

“Tell her,” Oliver urged. “She is your wife, and she deserves to know everything.”

“Not yet,” Matthew insisted. “Not even Mother knows, and I must first speak with Mary to see if she was the woman I had been searching for all along.”

Oliver tilted his head to one side, his eyes narrowing at his brother. He probably thought Matthew was too stubborn, too set in his ways. He shook his head slowly, looking terribly sad.

“So, you are going to Essex House yourself?” Oliver asked, though his tone made it clear he knew his brother would go.

“What else can I do? The letters are proving to be useless. Mary Wills possibly thinks the Sheffields are terrible people. After all, she has no reason to believe that we would have welcomed her.”

“Mm. That is possible. You may also consider the fact that she might be afraid you will take her child from her.”

“That is not the plan at all, and you know it,” Matthew said, grinding his teeth.

“We know it. But does she? All she is thinking is that someone has been following her around, not only asking about her but also about her son,” said Oliver.

Oliver made sense, though Matthew could think of other reasons Mary was not answering his letters.

“When you finally talk to her, what will you do? Will you offer her money? A house of her own?”

“What do you take me for, Oliver?” Matthew asked gruffly. “Of course, I will take them both home, set them up in a nearby townhouse. They will want for nothing ever again. The option to stay with us, with full protection, will always be there, of course.”

“Mother will hardly agree with that, and you know it.”

“We will talk about it once the time comes. Now, get inside before your cough gets worse, brother.” Matthew rested a hand on Oliver’s shoulder before turning to leave.