Page 150 of Until Joy

My finger hovered over the call button.

Four years. Four years of silence because I'd been too ashamed to face the man who'd taught me everything about honor and duty and taking care of the people under my command.

I hit call before I could change my mind.

The phone rang once. Twice.

“Graham?”

Dad's voice sounded exactly the same. Strong and warm and slightly gravelly from years of shouting orders over jet engines.

“Hey, Dad.”

The silence stretched so long I thought the call had dropped.

“Jesus Christ, son. Are you okay? I've been worried sick.”

The relief in his voice nearly broke me. “I'm okay. I'm sorry I haven't called.”

“Four years, Graham. Four goddamn years without a word.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“Are you hurt? Sick? In trouble?”

“No, Dad. Nothing like that.”

“Then what the hell happened? You disappear from my life without explanation, and I'm supposed to just accept that?” That was a tone I remembered.

I closed my eyes and leaned back in my chair. “I fucked up a mission. Lost three good men.”

The silence stretched again, but this time it felt different. Understanding instead of confusion.

“Can you tell me about it?” Dad's voice went soft.

“Some.”

I started talking and my dad listened. He occasionally interrupted me, but mostly just let me get everything off my chest.

“Is that everything, son?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“How is Kent doing?”

“Last time I checked, he was out of rehab.”

“What do you mean, last time you checked? You haven’t talked to him?”

“How could I? I failed him, Dad.”

“That’s a load of horseshit. You were the team leader, not God. You couldn’t have done any better than you did. You saved Kent’s life. He probably wonders what he did wrong to have you ignore him.” There was a pause. “Just like me.”

Damn, those words landed hard.

“How do you know it wasn't my fault?”

“Because I've spent thirty years in leadership positions. I've sent good men into bad situations and watched some of them not come home. It's the worst part of the job, but it's still the job. And the fact that you've been carrying this guilt for four years tells me everything I need to know about the kind of leader you were.”