Page 23 of Desperate Creed

“You know you get nowhere with that excuse. R.J. is younger than me. By the way, what did you get him for his birthday?”

She knew Gwen was right. Age was a stupid excuse. Ryder was an old soul. Sometimes he seemed wiser and more mature than she was.

“A GPS watch,” she finally answered when she realized Gwen was waiting for her response.

“Those are nice.” Gwen’s eyes were watching her, studying her. “Expensive. Sort of a relationship worthy gift.”

“Oh no. Do you think so? I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.”

“I think the sex might have already done that.”

Maggie winced, and it only made Gwen laugh.

“Why does this make you so uncomfortable? It seems so obvious that you both care deeply for each other. You’ve been through some crazy, difficult situations. Mudslides, an explosion, the bird flu. What else will it take to make you realize what this guy means to you?”

“Maybe I just don’t know how to do relationships. Maybe it’s the relationship part that scares me.”

“Scares you? Bullshit! That’s a cop-out.”

Maggie raised her eyebrows. She rarely heard Gwen swear. This conversation had taken too serious of a turn.

“Hey, come on now,” she said with a smile. “Contrary to popular belief, I do have feelings.”

“Yes, you do. And you are braver and stronger than anyone I know. I’ve seen you stand face-to-face with killers. You can be fearless. And yet, you’re a big ole scaredy-cat when it comes to getting close to someone. Trusting someone.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s the one thing I know can hurt me beyond repair. And I can’t control it. I have no defense against it.”

“Oh sweetie. We all have those fears to some degree. You know after the mastectomy I convinced myself that R.J. would leave me.”

“Seriously? He’s crazy about you.”

“I knew it was more about me, my fears of not feeling whole. It had little to do with him. At the same time it made me realize how much I want him in my life. How much I need him in my life.”

Gwen pushed her plate away and pulled her wine glass closer all the while never taking her eyes off Maggie.

“It’s easier to rely on just myself,” Maggie finally said. “Any time I’ve counted on someone else I’ve been disappointed—present company excluded, of course.” When Gwen didn’t answer, Maggie filled the silence. “Is that so awful?”

“I just worry that you’re missing out on some incredible happiness while you’re protecting yourself. In the meantime, what about Ryder? He appears to be someone who’s been through his own personal fires. I’d venture to guess that he has his own issues with trust and commitment. Are you being fair to him? Not trusting him after all you two have been through?”

“I do trust him. He’s saved my ass a couple of times. So obviously I trust him with my ass.”

Gwen smiled and said, “Your ass and the rest of your body.” Then as if that wasn’t enough damage, she followed with, “But not your heart.”

When Maggie’s phone started ringing the sound was muffled inside her jacket pocket. She tugged it out as quickly as possible but not before other diners scowled at her.

“I’m sorry,” she told Gwen. “I should have shut it off.”

“Take it. I really don’t mind.”

When Maggie glanced at the caller’s I.D., her first thought was that somehow the person on the other line had read her mind.

“Hi Hannah. How are you?”

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