Page 80 of While I’m Still Here

My fingers find the top button of his shirt. Then the next. The fabric shifts, and I feel the heat of his chest beneath. His breath catches when I flatten my palm against him.

“This is happening,” I murmur.

Danny pulls back just enough to look at me. His lips are slightly parted, his face flushed. The usual confidence has cracked down the middle. “This is happening,” he repeats.

He’s looking at me, like I’m something he didn’t expect to hold. I also know there’s a list in my notebook at home, and one item says sex somewhere that isn’t a bed, and that I am standing in a staff kitchen with a man who is not my boyfriend.

Colin.

Oh God.

I pull back, pressing a hand to Danny’s chest to keep space between us. “Wait. Wait.”

“What?”

“I have to call Colin.”

Danny’s eyebrows rise, but he doesn’t argue. He steps back, giving me room. I dig my phone from my bag, fingers shaking as I unlock it. Danny stands by the counter, arms crossed, patient in a way that makes my stomach twist.

The phone rings twice before Colin picks up. “Bea?”

His voice is calm, and in the background, I can hear the faint clack of his laptop. He’s working from home. Of course he is.

“I’m at the office,” I say stupidly.

“I know you are.” A pause. “Is something wrong?”

I close my eyes. The truth—the whole truth—sits in my throat like something too large to swallow. But this is the deal. Colin knows about the list. He knows about Danny, too. “It’s Danny,” I say. “I’m with Danny. In the kitchen.”

The line goes quiet. My heart hammers against my ribs. Then Colin exhales, low and slow.

“Okay,” he says.

“Okay?”

“I’m jealous,” he says, and there’s no anger in it, just a raw kind of honesty that makes my chest ache. “But the list, Bea. This is on the list.”

“I know that.”

“So why are you calling me?”

“Because I love you,” I almost say it’s because I’m terrified and I want you to tell me to stop, even though you won’t. “I need you to be part of it. I need you to tell me that this doesn’t change everything between us,” I whisper instead.

Another pause. When Colin speaks again, his voice has changed—lower, tighter. “Stay on the phone, Bea.”

I blink at the fridge. “What?”

“You heard me. Stay on the phone. This changes nothing between us, and I’m not going to lie that I’m hard as a fucking stick of rock from Blackpool right now. You’d chip a tooth on it if you tried.”

Heat flares in my belly, sudden and sharp, and I bark out a laugh because I know what he’s doing. Colin Fletcher is doing his best to put me at ease so this is easier for me. Danny is watching me now, head tilted, reading every small change in my face.

“He wants to listen,” I say.

Danny’s jaw tightens. “Does he now?”

I nod, phone pressed to my ear. On the other end, Colin makes a low sound—not quite a laugh, not quite a warning. “Tell him to be careful with you.”

I don’t tell Danny anything. Instead, I set the phone on the counter, turn the speaker on, and face him fully. “Hello, Danny.”