Page 29 of The Christmas Mistake

We make our introductions. I really don’t want to be doing this. I really don’t want to be listening to Mariah Carey. I don’t want to be seeing how happy Christmas makes Chastity.

“Are you two excited?” Annie asks us.

“Well, I do love Christmas,” Chastity replies with her smile. Her hangover hasn’t stopped her from enjoying the festive season, it seems.

“And you?” Annie turns to me.

“I just want to get paid. The sooner we get this done, the better.”

“Right. Okay, then.” Annie is clearly not enthused by my answer. “Let me show you what you’re going to be doing, then.”

She takes us into the central square of the shopping mall. It’s the intersection in the middle of everything. It’s still the morning but there’s a fuckload of shoppers already here. They look like mindless zombies to me. Who the hell comes to a mall on a Saturday just before Christmas? Why would you subject yourself to this experience willingly? Why would you love a season whose only purpose is to sell TVs and PlayStations?

Santa’s grotto is already set up in the square. A cheesy confectionary of fake snow and giant candy canes. I want to retch looking at the thing. Chastity claps her hands and wows all over it like a child to Annie’s encouragement. Infuriating.

Annie ushers us inside and takes us through the paperwork and the description of our job roles. It’s just as I feared. I’m to be Santa, letting children sit on my knee and describe what they want for Christmas, as Chastity is the friendly elf who takes their picture and takes payment from the parents. The whole commercialization of the process disgusts me. I don’t know who could ever derive enjoyment from this.

Why the hell am I here?

“And this is Santa’s suit!”

Annie’s cheerful announcement brings me back to earth with a crash. She’s holding up a giant red and white… thing towards me. There’s a fake beard attached and everything.

This is my nightmare.

“Go on, try it on.”

I grumble something that would be illegal to print, and I take the damned costume from the woman. What choice do I have? Chastity grins at me as I strop over behind the curtain in the grotto to try the suit on.

It doesn’t fit, but I guess that’s the point. Santa is known for his rotund size.

It doesn’t take me long to get changed. The fake beard is itchy on my chin and I don’t like how the giant hat nearly covers my eyes.

“I look like a fucking cartoon,” I complain loudly so that the women can hear. “This is fucking ridiculous.”

“Let us see,” Chastity replies. “I’m sure you look great.”

I pull back the curtain to see the two women staring expectedly at me.

“Oh my god,” Chastity giggles, raising her hand to her mouth. “Nicholas, you look so fat.”

I just growl at her.

“This is amazing,” she continues, reaching into her handbag for her phone. “I absolutely need to take a photo of this. It’s the best thing I’ve seen all year.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” I warn her. “Don’t you even think about it.”

But she’s not listening to me. She’s already taking photos.

“You know this is going up all over our company’s social media, right?” she helpfully lets me know.

“When I get out of this fucking giant thing I’m going to kill you, Chastity.”

She pokes her tongue back out at me and I simmer away, restrained by this stupid outfit.

“Right, your turn,” Annie says, handing over the elf costume to Chastity.

There’s a long pause as both of us stare at what she has to wear.