Page 35 of Jealous Guy
Iam going out of my mind. Jordan is being so fucking weird. He’s acting like a completely different person. He’s looking at me all the time and giving me this strange little smile that doesn’t show any teeth. It just makes his lips super flat.
He’s spending hours in the apartment when he’d usually be out, and he’s refusing to go out to do any of the normal things we typically do. We bumped into Andy and West on campus yesterday, and they invited us to join them for a slice of pizza. Jordan said no. He didn’t give a reason. He just flat-out said no. He walked away so fast that I had to make up an excuse and jog to catch up with him.
He’s been weird when I get back to the apartment after being at class as well. He rushes to the door to greet me, quizzing me on where I’ve been and getting right up in my face with really intense eye contact when I tell him.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I’ve been trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, I’m starting to think he has an issue with me being gay. There’s no other explanation for it. This all started when I came out.
I’m so hurt I hardly know what to do with myself. My chest aches all the time and my arms and legs feel heavy. I’m trying not to catastrophize, but my mind has been racing, filling in the blanks in the worst ways possible. I meant it when I said I didn’t think Jordan would mind that I was gay. I really, really meant it. No part of me thought he was this kind of asshole. Nothing in his previous behavior has ever made me think he’s homophobic. Nothing.
But what else can it be?
How else does someone go from moving heaven and Earth to take care of me when I had the flu to acting like someone I don’t know overnight.
I’m sick about it. I can’t stop thinking about it, and my mood has been getting lower with each passing day. The sorrow I feel is endless. A sharp sting and a deep, bruising pang. I feel rubbed raw. Exposed. Seen for who I really am and rejected by the one person I thought would never do it.
The worst thing is that I can’t see any way we’ll ever be able to come back from this. How can we go back to normal? Because if this is who Jordan really is, then our normal no longer exists.
Maybe it never did in the first place. Maybe I’ve had blinders on since I met him. Maybe I conjured the version of him I’m in love with because he’s so hot.
Fuck. That would be stupid of me.
But then again, dicks aren’t known for their intelligence.
20
Jordan
Orion is stomping around in the kitchen, loading the dishwasher loudly. He’s pissed at me, and he isn’t trying to hide it. I know it’s because I haven’t been myself since he came out, and I feel like complete shit about it.
“Can we talk?” I suggest.
“About what?” he replies without looking at me.
I gesture back and forth between us. “About whatever is happening here.”
His eyebrows shoot up and he blitzes me with a dark-brown flick of his eyes. “D’you mean how I told you something personal about myself, and you’ve been a total dick about it?”
“That’s not exactly how I’d put it, but yeah. Sure.”
He closes the dishwasher firmly and places both hands on the counter. It’s a completely neutral gesture that my brain reads as aggressive. It activates the exact parts of my prefrontal cortex that make me react impulsively.
It’s clear from the set of his jaw that Orion won’t be the one to take the conversation any further, so I have no choice but to do it myself.
“I don’t mind that you’re gay,” I start.
His eyebrows climb higher, and his lips press together in a clear “sure you do” expression that immediately irritates me.
“I don’t.”
His expression doesn’t change at all. If anything, it becomes exaggerated.
“I’m upset that you didn’t tell me, okay? I’m hurt that you’ve been going through something this major, and you didn’t feel comfortable talking to me about it.”
His brows drop and a flicker of confusion ripples in his eyes.
It takes me several seconds to decipher the look, and when I do, it’s so far from what I’m expecting that I’m positive I’ve got it wrong.
