Page 32 of Jealous Guy

His eyes are my biggest problem though. They’re the same as always. Blue with a light ring of yellow around the pupil, but they’re laced with a question. A big question. A question and something else. Something so small most people would miss it.

A tiny, microscopic shadow of disappointment.

It’s small. So close to being insignificant that I’m positive no one else would notice it. I do notice it because it’s the exact expression I’ve spent most of my life dreading.

I want to lie badly. More than anything, I want to laugh and say, “Mean what?” and for that to be the end of this nightmare. I can’t, though, because the truth has legs and it stands beside me. In front of me and behind me. It’s not going away. It’s part of me. It’s going to be with me every day for the rest of my life. Lying about it won’t change that.

Despite that, I’m such a coward, and I’m so fucking terrified right now that I might still be tempted to lie if not for the fact that I know Jordan better than anyone. I know him, and it’s too late to lie. He already knows it’s true. It’s written all over his eyes.

He knew it was true the second I said it.

Despite that, he keeps me locked in his gaze, without smiling, without taking mercy on me, until I let out a dry, cracked, “Yeah, I meant it.”

The tension in his lips pulls sharply, and he takes a breath that’s more of a gasp than a typical breath. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Why didn’t I tell him?

I didn’t tell Jordan for one simple reason. One reason only. Because I’m hopelessly, helplessly in love with him. No matter how much I try to deny it or wish it were different, the way I feel about him is static. Unchanging. Set in stone. Written into my DNA as surely as any other aspect of my personality.

I didn’t tell him because I don’t know how to tell Jordan I’m gay without telling him I’m in love with him. For me, those two things are linked, and I can’t imagine a time they won’t be.

I don’t tell him that, but I tell him a truth that’s as close to the whole truth as I can possibly get it.

“I wasn’t ready,” I croak, blinking hard and fast to fight the threatening tears.

He sits beside me on the bed and puts his arms around me. My heart is beating so hard I can hear it, and every tear I’ve ever held back is threatening to flow. Burning, stinging my eyes so hard that when Jordan tightens his grip on me, they all pour out of me at once.

“Please tell me you didn’t think I’d mind, Orion,” he whispers over and over. “Please tell me you didn’t think I’d mind.”

I can’t talk. I can’t breathe. But I do shake my head as I cling to him because that much is true. No matter what the internal voices have conjured in the past, they’ve never managed to convince me that Jordan would mind that I’m queer. I know him well enough to know that for a fact.

“No,” I say when I can. I suck in a spluttery breath and let it out shakily. “Didn’t think you’d mind…never thought that.”

He pushes me away, holding my face in his hands, and studies my eyes. “Do you swear?”

I nod and sniff, and another sheet of tears spills down my cheeks. “I swear.”

15

Jordan

Look, I’m not going to lie and say I’m not surprised. I am. To be honest, Orion coming out has shocked the unholy shit out of me. It’s come completely out of the blue. It’s not that I mind, obviously. It’s that I thought I knew everything about him—and this is kind of a big thing to miss. It’s a huge, life-changing thing that I had no clue about.

I had no idea he was questioning his sexuality. He’s been acting completely normal.

I feel like a bad friend. I should have been on top of this for him. I should have known something was up. Orion’s a good-looking guy, but he’s never really cleaned up when it comes to girls. I’ve wondered about it from time to time, but like, not fully. Not consciously. I never really paid it the attention it deserved. If I were forced to make an assumption about him, I might have guessed he was on the ace spectrum because he’s never seemed as amped as I am about hooking up with girls.

I didn’t even consider that he might be attracted to men.

Geez, I’m an asshole.

Well. This assholism ends here and now. I’m going to start supporting Orion like it’s no one’s fucking business. As soon as he’s better, I’m going to get him up and about and make sure he gets involved in the LGBTQ+ scene on campus. I’m going to gay bars and clubs with him, and I’ll be his wingman, like he’s always been mine. I’m going to make sure he has lots of queer folks in his life, so he has people to talk to about all this.

I am.

But obviously, I’ll still be his main person.

16