Page 72 of Nyx

"Number seven," Kayla answers.

"Seven is isolation," I say. "Friends disappear, family takes a step back, and control increases. All things our abusers like because it decreases the chances of getting caught. They may justify their abuse, but they know they can get in trouble for what they're doing. Eight is entrapment, where we feel stuck and alone. Maybe they're using the threat of harm or removal of the children. They control the money, and there's a hopelessness that we couldn’t succeed without them because they've taken away all our means of support. The money is gone, and friends and family are no longer around. They've systematically made us dependent on them."

"You're telling my entire story, word for word," Dana mutters. "I married Travis right out of high school. Having his babies and being a stay-at-home mom was all I ever wanted. I jumped at the chance when he offered it. Of course, looking back, the abuse had already begun long before we walked down the aisle. But as you said, Juliet, I thought the arm grabs, shoving, and getting in my face and yelling were my fault. He definitely made me feel like it was. "

"I can't count the number of times I blamed myself," Kayla whispers. "Hell, there are days I still blame myself."

"That's one of the harder things to let go of," I say. "We all struggle with it. The abuse, the staying, the things we could've done differently... all these thoughts are trauma responses to a situation our abuser created. It put us right where they needed us to be for their cycle of abuse to continue."

"It makes me feel weak," Kayla confesses. "Especially since my most recent ex, the father of my little girl, wasn't the first man to hurt me. No matter how much I told myself that I wasn't ever going to end up in another situation like the one I had been in before, I landed right back in the same spot."

"And I imagine there are times you think you're the problem, not them?" I ask, sadness filling me when she nods.

"Listen to me when I tell you that you are not the problem. Some men look for women who are more likely to tolerate abuse. Our self-esteem takes a hit, and we accept more unacceptable behaviors. We're financially vulnerable. We have already alienated our friends and family. That makes us an easier target than women who haven't been in that situation before. We do not create abusers. Kayla, please believe that."

She nods, tears forming in her eyes, and it makes me wonder if she has anyone in her family who might've whispered about her situation behind her back. A lot of people are ignorant of experiences they've never been forced to face, and I've heard many stories of women who were blamed by the people who were supposed to be in their corner because he's such a nice guy or he treated you like a princess when he was around.

"Number nine is the awakening," I continue. "This happens when abuse escalates or transfers to a child. It can happen when they speak about their abuse, and someone believes them for the first time or offers real help."

"That's how I got out," Traci says, speaking up for the first time in a while. "We had a new minister at church, and even though my husband was a deacon at the church, I confided in him, and he helped me."

"Had you mentioned it to others at the church?" Kayla asks.

"Once before," Traci says. "It didn't go well."

"What happened?" Kayla asks, and I watch Traci's face, ready to intervene if she starts to look like she feels forced into giving details about her story.

"The old minister suggested marriage counseling, approaching my husband about it rather than asking me what I wanted. My husband was livid, and to make matters worse, we attended counseling. In the first session, I had a black eye and bruises all over my arm. The minister didn't even give me a second glance. The focus of that meeting and the meetings after were centered on my behaviors and how I could do things differently to avoid bringing that sort of attention to myself."

"That's disgusting," Kayla says with a gasp.

"It was pretty bad," Traci says, hands rubbing over her stomach. "The new minister didn't bat an eye or make excuses. He wouldn't even let me leave the church to go home."

"How did you know you could trust him?" Melissa asks. "I can't imagine how hard it must have been after what happened the first time you spoke to someone in the same position."

"He hyphenated his last name with his wife's," she said with a smile. "I took the chance that it was a sign of his rejection of patriarchal traditions. I just got lucky with my guess. He and his wife have been so good to me. They got me here, and I haven't looked back. What's the next stage?"

"Number ten is leaving and recovery," I say. "Possibly the hardest step of them all."

"I still grieve for him," Traci confesses. "I never wanted to be a single mother."

"Leaving is also often tangled up with grief, just like you mentioned," I validate. "Those feelings are valid. What we have to do at this stage is understand that a lot of those feelings stem from the control and abuse. It doesn't take long to believe the things our abusers told us. That's why our behavior modifications happen so early in the relationship, sometimes long before physical abuse comes into play."

"He's in counseling now," Traci says.

"He was in marriage counseling before," Kayla says, an edge to her tone that makes me a little uneasy.

"I'm not saying people can't change," I interject. "Some do, but real change isn't crying after someone hurts you, or making promises, or buying flowers, or even blaming their own childhood trauma for their abuse. Real change happens after years of accountability, intervention programs, and therapy. Real change means no excuses, no red flags, and regrettably, statistics show that a lot of men aren't willing to put in that much work because they can justify their actions based on their partners' behaviors."

"Can you explain that last part differently?" Melissa asks.

"How many of you heard that if you hadn't done ABC, then I wouldn't have had to do XYZ?"

Every woman in the group raises her hand.

"How many of you changed your behavior only for them to find another reason to punish you or use some form of violence to correct the behavior?"

Another round of hands goes up.