Page 142 of The Tryout

Now I see why he’s struggling for words. Because when he says that, when he puts it all out there, I suddenly find that I don’t have enough words either. Or rather, I have too many.

The first thing I think is I’m not worth that. Don’t sacrifice that for me.

But on the heels of that, I think Thank you for wanting me like I want you.

And over it all, over and over and over, I love you.

These are the words I finally let out, breaking the silence of the locker room around us.

Avery looks up at me, eyes rimmed with red.

“You love me?”

I nod, not sure I can say them again without crying.

“I love you, too, Finn. And I…I don’t want to love you from afar. I want to love you up close, wherever that is. Is that…is that okay?”

I take a deep breath, then another, trying to tell my body to calm down. Still, my thoughts and my heart beat race away, out of control.

“We could make it work. We’d be on the same team at least some of the time, you know? And we’d have all of summer together, if we wanted it.”

I realize I’m trying to talk him out of it, this thing I want more than anything. But I can’t help but worry that if I accept it, if I tell him I want that too, that one day he’ll look back at this conversation and wonder what he could have had, if only he’d reached out and taken it.

He nods, and my heart twists at the thought that I’ve convinced him.

“We could. I mean, it’s not that far. And if you want me to, I will. I know…I know it’s a lot of pressure to put on you, to put on us.”

But I’m not worried about the pressure – sitting here, in this moment, I know that we can handle that, that what we have together is real and meaningful and strong – if we let it be.

“What would you…what would you do? If you’re not playing hockey?”

He pauses for a moment, then smiles, just a bit. I wonder if he knows how close I am to saying yes, to letting him put us first.

“I signed up to take the LSAT in February, and I’d have the results back in time for the University of Minnesota’s priority deadline. I’ve been talking to Jack a little bit, too. He suggested we could submit my credentials to the NHLPA for certification as an agent already, even before school starts, and I could work alongside him while I’m in school, kind of like an internship.”

Oh. I knew Avery was smart, but when he said he wasn’t going to take the offer, I’d assumed it had been…impulsive. Certainly not something with that level of planning or foresight.

“When…when did you do that?”

It looks like he’s considering whether to tell me the truth, which makes me want to know it even more. How long has he been planning this?

“I signed up for the LSAT the first time you were in Minnesota. We had that phone call and talked about our futures after hockey and I just…I thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to find out. The score’s good for five years anyway, so it’s not like it’s binding or anything.”

He’s been thinking about this since early December?

“And Jack?”

“Well, we met in Minneapolis, you knew that.”

I roll my eyes at this.

“Yes, I was there. I don’t recall talking about your career, though.”

But they certainly had hit it off, talking through the nitty gritty details of not just my contract, but half the players in the Central.

“He gave me his business card, remember? Told me to reach out if I ever had any questions? Well, I had questions.”

I had assumed he meant questions about me, about my career. But now that I think about it, I wonder if Jack meant it more the way Avery seems to have interpreted it.