Page 102 of The Tryout
The fact of the matter is that, like a lot of people, I’d gone through a phase during my freshman year at UCLA where I felt like I had to, like it was something that was expected of me. I never wanted Finn to feel that way, to feel like he owed me some part of himself even a second before he was ready for that.
His face softens.
“I really appreciate that. And you’ve always been really clear that I’m allowed to choose what feels good for me. I just…”
He’s blushing, and I sense there’s more that he wants to say. I rub his back, allowing the silence to stretch between us.
“There are times when I feel like I can’t possibly get close enough to you. Like I want to be part of you, or have you as part of me. It’s…it’s probably stupid.”
I can see him retreating, closing off again. Not wanting that, I grip his chin between my finger and thumb, turning his face back toward mine.
“Hey, no. That’s not stupid at all.”
If anything, he’s put words to a feeling that’s been brewing inside of me for a while. This urge to always be just a little closer to him, to spend just a little more time together.
“But if we’re doing that, I don’t think it would be a good idea for us to be hooking up with other people. It just doesn’t seem…safe. You know?”
To be honest, safe is the last thing I’m feeling in this conversation, with images of Finn and other men flashing through my mind.
“Oh, yeah. Totally. Makes sense why you’d rather we didn’t.”
I move my thumb to cover his lips.
“That’s not what I said. I do want to. But if we’re doing that together, I think we need to agree we’re not doing anything with anyone else. Is that…okay?”
His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. I finally realize my thumb is still over his lips, preventing him from telling me his answer. As I move it, I feel a flutter of anxiety at what he might say.
“Yeah, Avery. That’s okay.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
FINN
On Sunday morning, I wake up sprawled over Avery on the couch. As I come back to consciousness, I can’t help but wonder if our conversation last night was a dream or not. Did he really ask to be…exclusive?
At the time, I’d wanted to laugh, wanted to ask when and where he thought I was hooking up with these other people. But something in his eyes kept my answer brief and honest.
That’s okay.
As if okay even begins to touch at how I feel about it.
Before long, his eyes flutter and open, a crooked smile coming to his lips. As we start our normal morning routines – brushing teeth, getting dressed, grabbing smoothies – Avery makes an odd request of me.
“Can you go on a long run today? Or, I guess, at least not a short one?”
I give him a confused look. Frankly, I hadn’t been planning to run at all today, and had sort of hoped Avery could be lured to the couch for some fun. He sees the concern on my face and walks toward me, reaching his arms around my waist.
“Hey. I’ve got a surprise planned, but I need a little…space, you know?”
I don’t know, but I try to trust him.
“Wait. Is it an expensive surprise?” He’s been doing so well – with the exception of that DoorDash delivery in Minneapolis – but I still feel the need to check. He blushes, which could go either way.
“No. It’s a, uh, sexy surprise.”
For someone as experienced as he is, he’s having a whole lot of trouble meeting my eyes right now. I close the few inches of space between us.
“In that case, I might skip the long, sweaty run and just go grab a coffee or something, okay?”
