Page 14 of Gaze

fifteen

It was hot again when I woke up, my underarms sticky from sweat before I even had a chance to move. Breathing in through my mouth the air was warmer than my tongue, a strange sensation to wake up too.

I needed to move my stiff muscles, so I relent and put on the tv while I went about my business. The loudness from the tinny speakers feels foreign in my normally silent space. The idiot woman on screen was squawking loudly as she pointed at the weather map.

“Today is going to be the hottest day of the summer so far” she practically shouted as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear.

I roll my eyes. Each day was the hottest day according to her. I already had both fans on, and the window open wide to try and elicit some form of air movement, but it was to no avail, all they did was push sticky warm air around the apartment. The heat was becoming unbearable, and it wasn’t even the middle of the day. I could only be thankful that the sunlight didn’t directly hit any part of my apartment, unlike those opposite who had some rays already catching the uppermost windows.

“So don't forget to keep pets and small children inside and away from the sun!” I caught the end of her broadcast before my mind wandered off again, to think about its own things; before the rolling news continued talking about a world I no longer cared about.

About an hour later I finally got to sit back in my chair having made a poor attempt at washing myself and eating. Neither of these activities gave me any joy, but they felt like a necessity.

I tried to occupy myself with a magazine, one of the ones Lisa brought me on her last visit, or was it the time before? Time had really started to slip like sand though my fingers. I tried to read the same line over and over again, but it was like I no longer understood the words in front of me. Sighing I threw the magazine behind me, hearing it land somewhere near the bookshelf, that was a problem for later me.

Somewhere in the distance was the hum of the road, I could hear the faint chimes of a Mister Softee van, my mouth watering at the idea of cold ice cream on my tongue.

I let my mind drift between nothing and everything as I lost myself to the window and the coming and goings of the people around me.

“You’ll go mad looking out that window” The voice makes me jump, again. I didn’t need to turn around to know Steve was in my apartment.

“Maybe I already have?” I half joked at him, still not wanting to look away from the window. Maybe I was already mad. He ignored my statement instead walking further into my space and taking a seat on the unoccupied chair by my desk.

“Got another package for you” He sounds tentative like he isn’t sure what he is going to find as he looks around the room. I hear him place it on my desk, the soft thud of cardboard against polished wood.

“Thanks” I mumble, not looking away from the window for more than a second. Silence fills the space and I know he is thinking about what to say next, I can almost feel his mind working in the heat. I think about all the things he must have done in his service to this country, all the people he might have killed, men he might have lusted after - too scared to pursue them for fear of his own career. How many times did he give in to the urge, the desire to be touched by another man before he was caught. My wandering mind was interrupted by his soft voice again.

“I spoke to Lisa when she left the other day” he said slowly, I grunted a non-reply. “She looked upset,” he added.

“She was upset.” I replied flatly, my attention taken by a bird that was hopping along the telephone wires between the buildings. Its rhythmic jumping was hypnotic.

“She’s a good woman you know” He pressed on, leaning in closer, resting his elbows on his thighs.

“I know” The word fell out of my mouth before I really had a chance to think about it, but it was true. I mulled my statement over for a few moments. Lisa was stunning, funny, intelligent and prepared to put up with my bullshit almost in its entirety.

“Then why don't you let her in” Steve sounded soft, like he was trying to connect to one of his army buddies on the brink of breaking sobriety.

“I did let her in - she has a key” I pointed over at the door. A smile split across my face at my own humor.

“No, you didn’t Jen” He placed his hand on my shoulder trying to get my attention “You let her go, like you are letting reality go staring out that window.”

“I'm fine Steve” I let out a huff and span the chair round to face him, not wanting to tear my face away from the window.

“You’re not Jen, I'm worried about you…” His voice sounded genuine and the creases around his eyes were deep. “We are both worried about you up here all alone for weeks at a time.”

“I'm fine,” I repeated.

“Why don't you go and stay with her for a bit.” He placed a hand on my knee, and the touch almost made me flinch, I couldn’t remember the last time someone touched me - and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it. “I will check on your mail and keep everything just how you left it.” He reassured me.

“I don't want to go and stay with Lisa,” I said firmly. This was my home and I wanted to be in it, why was that so hard for everyone to understand?

“Why?” there was a plea in his voice and his eyes looked wet. A tactic for sure to try and chip at my emotional side - he should know me better by now, I have watched children die of famine and barely shed a tear as I clicked away. I stop my mind wandering to past jobs and pull it back to the present, back to Steve and his question. How long had I let it hang in the room?

“Because I can do good here, I can help people.” I finally said, with a puff of pride.

“Who?” His brows furrowed like an owl as he tilted his head to the side.

“I caught her the other night and called the police.” I said proudly and pointed at the bottom window still closed off from view by the police tape and curtains.