Page 30 of Mastermind

What do you say to the woman who stuck by your side through life-and-death situations, who literally risked her life to save yours, and whom you then walked out on, not once but twice?

She’d already lost a husband to war. Then I came along, bringing who knows how much pain into her life. The guilt I feel can’t even be imagined.

Not knowing what to tell Jillian isn’t what’s holding me back; it’s the shame I feel for what I’ve done to her. When I left for Asia, we’d ended things. At least through words.

I knew Jillian would never be the one to say we should break up because of what I’d gone through, but I also knew it wasn’t right to keep torturing her.

She’d been there for me through my downward spiral. She was there when I came back. When I told her it was probably best if we separated, I said it because she couldn’t. I wanted an easy, clean break, but that was a fantasy.

I know I love her, because when I found out she was seeing someone else, a military veteran like her, it made me feel good to know that he was a decent man. I couldn’t be that man. I’m glad someone else is.

It also made walking into the jungle easier.

Even so, it’s never as easy as that. I hadn’t realized how much I missed having someone in my heart until I was close to death again.

“Jessica?” I ask, lifting my head from my seat back.

“Yes?” She glances up from her laptop.

“I need to text someone. Or send an email. Do you think you could help me?”

“Sure. Who?”

“Her name is Jillian. I just want her to know I’m okay.”

“She knows, Theo. That’s who I was talking to back at the snack stand. But I’ll give you a burner phone.”

“Oh . . . I didn’t know.”

“I should have told you. She’s the reason I was able to find you so quickly. In fact, I think she’s the reason you’re still alive.”

This makes me sit up. “How’s that?”

“She’d been keeping track of you when she could. When she heard you’d been arrested, she started sending bribes to the head of the police station. Basically, money to keep you fed. From the looks of things, that never reached you. But Jillian kept sending because she knew they’d rather keep you alive and the money flowing.”

“I . . . I never knew.”

“I know. She knows. Anyway, she did everything she could. Hired an attorney. Even talked to a kidnap-and-rescue team. It’s better that she didn’t use them. But, yes, she knows you’re okay and with me. She wanted a photo, but I figured we should let you recover a little first. Want to call her?”

I don’t have a response, and now Jessica’s dialing her phone. She speaks to the voice at the other end, then hands it to me.

“Theo?” says Jillian’s voice.

My words seize up in my throat. All I can manage is a weak yes.

“Oh, Theo.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” Tears start streaming down my face. “I’m sorry for what I keep doing to you.”

“It’s what you do to yourself that hurts. I was a soldier. I was a soldier’s wife. I got used to this. You need to—”

The line goes dead. “Jillian? Jillian?”

Jessica types into her computer, then glances up. “Oh, damn.”

“What is it?”

“Another void. This one in Singapore.”