Page 97 of The Apparent Trap

“Of course.”

I kiss his chest, trying to formulate the words I’ve been wondering since yesterday. “When you saw Luciana yesterday, how did you decide to just . . . let it all go?”

He sighs, one hand moving to the small of my back, like he needs grounding. “I haven’t let it all go. I don’t think I ever fully could, even though I wish I could.”

“Are you angry?”

He doesn’t hesitate to shake his head. “When I first met Carmen, I was angry at her mother. But mostly I was scared. I was scared if I acted out in any way, it would be used against me and I’d lose Carmen. It was like my childhood all over again—just don’t do anything that could be perceived as misbehaving, and maybe you can get by. Work hard and smile, and maybe you’ll get what you need. I just applied that tactic to Luciana. I figured if I didn’t ask a lot of questions of her, if I didn’t complain, then she couldn’t make it worse.”

“Was that effective?”

“I don’t know,” he says with another sigh, his grip on me gentle but firm, like I’m a kid’s comfort stuffed animal. “I don’t think I asked for what I should have. Or, rather, demanded what I deserved. And what Carmen deserved. I didn’t stick up for myself or think I was someone she needed.”

“So what was your thought process yesterday?”

“I thought about both of those extremes. I thought about doing my usual thing—making myself as likable as possible to prove to Luciana that I’m worth being in her daughter’s life.”

“Your daughter’s life,” I say automatically.

He nods. “That’s just the automatic piece of me that doesn’t feel like I deserve it, you know? But you’re right.” He kisses the top of my head again. “The other part of me was still angry. There was a momentary impulse to tell Luciana everything I’ve thought for years, to make her feel bad for what she did.”

“Do you think you’ll ever say that to her?”

He pushes a few curls back behind my ears. Futile in practice, but maybe the motion is soothing. “No.”

“Never?”

He shakes his head. “Because once I took a breath after that initial shock of seeing her, the main feeling I had was wanting to break the cycle of it all.”

“What cycle?”

I can’t help but think about what Georgia said to me recently about my own cycle. I’m grateful Lee and I can hold hands to navigate new seas together.

He exhales a long breath. “Okay, so I don’t know how much you remember about that first night we met—”

I practically snort. “You mean the night I replayed constantly in my mind for months?”

He chuckles. “I was out that night because I was nervous to see Carmen the next day. I wanted so badly to be more than the person everyone always assumed I was.”

“You said you were the likable guy that forgot to actually be likable.”

He nods, the memory sharp. “Right, and you were the first person who I felt like that schtick didn’t work on.”

“It’s probably because once you’d said ‘porno’ to me, all bets were off.”

His laughter is warm, and I want to breathe it in. “That first conversation, you knocked me off guard enough where I was simply myself. And then I had to actively try and put that wall up again with you so I wouldn’t go insane. But then, somehow, you still slipped in, and I found myself telling you everything. You were the first person I ever let see me. And the night before I saw Luciana again . . .”

He trails off, and I nudge him. “The night before you saw Luciana again, you got laid, so the next day you were capable of forgiving anyone?”

He closes his eyes and tries not to laugh again, like being exasperated by me is the most delightful thing on earth. “No. That night you told me you liked me.”

I don’t understand. “That’s all it took?”

He opens his eyes again, and it’s impossible not to get lost in them. It’s impossible not to imagine I could see his face every day for the rest of my life.

“You liked me when I hadn’t even tried. You saw me. And you liked me.” He pauses, running his hand down my arm, taking his time. “When I saw Luciana, it became so clear that I didn’t have to prove myself. I didn’t need to win her over, and I didn’t need to get angry enough to get her to apologize. I didn’t need anything from her. You liking me is enough. I can’t undo the past. I can’t bring moments back. But it’s enough. I’ve got Carmen in my life. And you like me for me. That’s enough.”

I kiss him, because I can’t stop myself. I kiss him because that’s the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to me. It’s not a declaration on television, and it’s not the unspoken affection of the meal he made me for dinner. It’s the quietest kind of beauty. We’ve lost so many battles in this life. But what we still have is made all the more precious because of it.