Page 49 of The Apparent Trap

“You don’t always have to sound so exasperated when you say my name,” he jokes.

I sit up and turn on the light. He squints at the sudden brightness. “If you wake up with back pain and can’t film tomorrow,” I continue, “then it’ll look bad on me. I’ll look like the producer who couldn’t keep her shoot under control.”

He sits up, too, the springs groaning under him. “I’m fine, Ezzie.”

“I’ll sleep on the cot.”

“I’m not letting you give up your bed.”

“I could sleep on the couch downstairs.”

“It’s barely a love seat, you wouldn’t fit, and I promise, this is fine.”

“If the cot is so great, then why does it matter?”

He levels me with a look. “Because you’ve been here two nights already, and I’m not kicking you out of your bed just because my daughter did something stupid. I really am fine.”

He’s protesting so much that I know the cot must be miserable.

I sigh, capitulation clearly an unfortunate necessity. “Just get into the bed. We can share. It’s not a big deal.”

“Absolutely not,” he says, lying back down and pulling up the covers.

“You shouldn’t have to suffer.”

“I promise you, this is suffering less,” he mumbles. And with that, he reaches up to turn out the lights, conversation closed.

I flop onto my back. I convince myself that maybe I could fall asleep. But instead, I stare at the stars above me, letting them get brighter and brighter the more my eyes adjust to the darkness.

Chapter 15

I had a dream about my mom last night for the first time in years. She was walking me to school, but she was never right next to me. She was so vivid—her big curls, her bright-red-lipsticked smile, her camel-colored trench coat she wore even when it was too cold—and yet, somehow, she was so much more unreachable.

I wake up in a cold sweat.

I look over at the cot, and Lee’s already gone. I exhale slowly, unsure if I’m glad he’s not here or unhappy to find myself alone with all my thoughts.

But today’s another big day, so I have to shake it off. I get myself ready and walk down the path to the lodge. The whole team is already at the lovely long wooden table having breakfast when I arrive. There’s something beautiful about the simplicity of the lodge’s setup. There’s an old record player seeping out music, and all the tables are decorated with lacy runners topped with little pine cones. Everyone is eating local items like herring and muesli and toast covered in raspberry jam that was preserved from the summer.

I sit down, and Lee immediately looks me up and down. “Are you dressed warm enough?”

My immediate urge is to mock him—apparently some parts of being a dad are ingrained—but when I see his expression, I can’t bring myself to make fun of his genuine concern.

“I bought a lot of thermal stuff, this is more layers than it looks like,” I answer honestly.

I’m not used to this post-Thanksgiving version of him. Ever since that conversation, it’s been strange to see the shift in his gaze. Before it was tightly guarded, a secret. Now there’s a world in his eyes. Appreciation. Understanding. Desire that’s gone from fun to open ended.

It makes it even harder to function around him.

But at least I can try to focus on how well everyone is seeming to get along. My dad and Lee seem to have already seamlessly slotted into our little foursome, with conversations nonstop through breakfast. I practically have to haul everyone away from their chats when it’s time to go. There’s only so much daylight here, and we have a lot to get to today.

We start with a segment on huskies. Both Carmen and Lee want to sit in the front of the dogsleds, and I giggle to myself a little, since in my research I’ve learned that being right behind a dozen dog butts is more unpleasant than the idyllic image one might imagine.

But we get great interview footage with the trainer, detailing the dogs’ importance to the region and their extensive training regimen. And then we get gorgeous footage of the huskies with the landscape. As a bonus, the dogsleds bring us all the way to the frozen lake we’re filming at next.

We use the picture-perfect backdrop for Carmen to do her interview with my dad—much as I think it was unnecessary for him to be here, I have to admit that talking about climate issues in front of a frozen lake surrounded by snowcapped trees is pretty damn arresting to look at.

My dad then leaves with the dogsledders to head back, since he’s not needed for the next segment, and we make our way to ice fishing. Carmen leads interviews about the importance of fishing to the culture here, followed by Lee participating in a cooking demo as the fish we’ve caught are filleted and cooked over an open fire.