Page 71 of Rebel Moon

“Sure,” I said.

“You can’t bear the thought of letting the world see you love him and have him leave.”

“And Ivy and Jack. The rest of the band. They would all see me on my knees. A loser. The one who’s left.”

“So it’s safer to keep your distance. From everyone. Leave first, right? I’ve seen you through my camera for three weeks. And I swear, it’s like you’re two people. Before this month, I’d never seen the softer, fun side of you. To be honest, I didn’t think you had it in you. It’s been heartwarming to see you opening up to Knox. Allowing yourself to have fun. Why do you punish yourself so much of the time?”

“Punish?”

“Isn’t that what you do? Before anyone else can?” Blake asked. “You have this strict regimen for yourself. Any deviation means punishment.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I made a joke. “I thought you were a documentarian, not a therapist.”

“They go hand in hand.” Blake looked at me, compassion in her eyes. “Do me a favor. Be a little kinder to yourself. You’ve worked hard to get where you are, and I can understand being protective of yourself in that way. However, loving a man doesn’t make that suddenly moot. You’ll still be you.”

That was the problem exactly.

“I’ll just be the headline for a week or two—hot guitarist Knox Hartley has a new woman. For a week or so. Until he realizes …”

“Realizes what?” Blake asked.

“So many things. I’m not someone a man can love for a lifetime. I’m too tricky and broken. And everyone will see it.”

“What if it doesn’t go that way? What if Knox is the right man for you?”

I wanted to scream at her in frustration. She didn’t understand. At all. I had to get out of there before I said something I regretted. “I should let you get to work. Thank you for … this. All of it.”

“I’m rooting for you. And Knox.”

I thanked her again and then slipped back outside. Serious snow had started, coming down sideways and fast, mean little pellets hurling to the ground from the close, smoke-colored sky. They fell in my eyes, mixing with tears until I could not tell what made my cold cheeks damp.

When I reached my cabin, Knox was standing at his window. He lifted his hand in greeting, his expression one of love and joy at the sight of me. I gave a quick wave before running inside and locking my door.

19

KNOX

December 22

All Activities Cancelled.

BLIZZARD

Supper: Sandwich boxes

First thing the morning of the twenty-first, I reached for Madeleine, but her side was empty and cold. The cold sheets told me she’d left hours before. I’d come up with a dozen reasonable reasons. She couldn’t sleep and maybe went to her own bed so as not to wake me. Or it could have been an early maid-of-honor thing with Ivy. All of it was plausible. And yet I knew my worst fears were true. She’d left on purpose. And she’d seen me standing at the window and went inside her cabin without a backward glance.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, she’d seen me at the window and nodded as if I were a mere acquaintance, then marched into her own cabin and closed the door. It was a dagger right in my heart because I knew what it meant. She was running away.

I’d stood at my window for a few minutes, waiting for her to come back out and head to me, as if she’d just forgotten something. That didn’t happen. The door stayed shut all day.

That night the rest of them had game night at the lodge — Pictionary, from the sound of the hollering that carried across the yard. I didn't go. Couldn't sit in a room with all those people and act like a man whose life was fine. Her door never opened either. I know because I watched it from mine, off and on, until the lights went out over there around eleven.

She’d been upset about the Mindy slip. I should have known it was a bigger thing than she’d said out loud to me. I should have been more sensitive and asked more questions. Instead, I’d just allowed myself to feel safe and sure with her against my chest. Idiot.

And I’d told her I loved her. Good lord, could this get any worse?

I was still pacing when the storm came in, arriving like a freight-train out of the northwest. Lights flickered and finally went out. Daylight thinned and flattened as wind hit the cabin broadside, causing the whole frame to shudder. Snow drove sideways past the glass thick and fast.