Page 69 of Rebel Moon

He was asleep in the next moment, his breath going long, his arm heavy and warm across my waist.

I lay there in the dark of his cabin, wide awake. Was this it? Three weeks of bliss and now I was gearing up to ruin it all? My walls rebuilding, brick by brick? I felt this sudden need to memorize him, the weight of his arm, the smell of his skin, the little catch in his breath, the way his hand had curled loose and open against my back. The memory of him might be all that remained once I did my leaving.

Somewhere out past the window the wind was starting to change. I could hear it against the eaves as I fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming.

I was in the old house. My mother’s house. I shivered. It was cold and dark; rain fell in sheets outside the windows. Our one heater had stopped working. I knew it from the chill in my bones. There was a girl asleep on the couch under a thin blanket. Twelve years old. Bowl-cut hair, chapped hands, that nose. Mindy. Fast asleep, without any knowledge of what was to come.

I stood over her, and looking down I realized I held a knife.

I knew what I had to do. I’d done it before, a long time ago, and I had to do it again, because she kept coming back. She wouldn’t stay gone, and I couldn’t build the life I wanted with her still breathing. She was too soft. She’d ruin everything. She had to go.

I raised the knife.

And the girl opened her eyes. She wasn’t afraid. She simply looked up at me standing over her, the gleam of the knife catching whatever light was in the room. “It’s you.”

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“You keep doing this.” Her voice was my voice, the old one, the hill-country one. “I keep coming back because you need me. And you keep killing me anyway.”

“I have to. You know I have to. There’s no room for you. There’s never been any room.”

“I’m not the one you have to get rid of to be okay.” She pulled the thin blanket up under her chin, the way she used to. The way I used to. “I’m the one who kept us alive. I did all the hard parts. And the second it stopped being hard—the second somebody was finally kind to us—you decided I was the problem.” Her eyes filled. “I’m not the problem. I never was. But you’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” I said, and my hands were shaking. “I’m sorry. Yes.”

And she nodded, like she’d known, and closed her eyes. Not even bracing herself for what was to come, knowing it was impossible to fight the inevitable. I had to kill her. Even though I loved her.

I came awake with my whole body jerking, a sound half out of my throat, my heart slamming so hard it hurt. The cabin was dark. The fire had burned down to almost nothing.

Knox stirred. “Hey, you okay?”

“Bad dream.”

“It’s all right.” He pulled me close. “I’m right here. Nothing can get you.”

I lay in the dark, heart pounding. I could still see her face. But you’re going to do it anyway, aren’t you? I could still feel my own hands coming down.

Wind rose into a howl outside. Or was it the coyotes? Something heavy pressed against my chest. I was too hot next to Knox. His bulk took way too much of the bed. There was no place for me to lie. I had to get out of here. I couldn’t stay another moment. He deserved better than a woman so at war with herself because of the way he made her feel. Seriously, what was wrong with me? Yes, it was only a dream, but I knew how true it was.

I slid out from under his arm and got dressed in the dark, quiet and quick, letting myself out into the night. Wind whipped through the trees, stinging my face. Was it bringing the storm Finley had mentioned? I carefully shut his door behind me, peeking inside one last time to see the man I loved peacefully asleep, without any knowledge of the cowardly way I left. Until he woke to an empty bed.

But I couldn’t stay. I had to get out. Be alone. Sort out what to do next. But even as I had the thought, I knew I’d already decided. This was all too messy. I was too broken. Knox had fallen for a version of me that no longer existed. Mindy had fooled him the last three weeks into thinking she would survive against Madeleine and her ambition. No, not ambition, a voice whispered in my ear. You’re afraid. Afraid to be seen for who you really are. Afraid to be talked about. Afraid to be left and everyone will see it. Because eventually he would leave. I had no doubt about that. Once we were back to real life, and he realized being with me only made him feel more alone, he’d walk away.

Mindy. It was her, telling me who I was when she was the one who wasn’t even supposed to exist any longer.

Leave me alone.

She went quiet, leaving me alone with Knox.

I’m sorry, I said silently to him. I’m so sorry.

It was better this way. Best to end it now, rather than later when I was even more in love with him.

My foot found a slippery spot just shy of my cabin and I almost fell to my knees on the icy walkway, but I caught myself at the last second. I stayed upright. Until I got inside. It was only there, behind closed doors, no cameras in sight, that I let myself sink to my knees and weep in the chill of my lonesome cabin.

I tried to sleep, but it was impossible, so I just paced around my cabin until the first light of day showed through a crack in the curtains. I took a shower and carefully applied makeup to disguise the puffiness from all that crying. When I was put together as best as could be expected, I walked over to Blake’s cabin and knocked, praying she was up by now and that I hadn’t wakened her.

I glanced up at the angry sky. It was almost purple, cloud covering low and dense. Snow would come soon. I would ask Blake to take out the footage and then get back to my own cabin where it was safe.