Page 43 of One More Time

Ava thrust forward her chubby little hand to exhibit the cheese stick she had acquired. ‘Baba.’

‘Ava, darling! You have to be more careful.’ Grace gently stroked Ava’s face while checking her head for bumps. ‘I’ve told you time and time again not to climb on things, you little monkey.’

Squishing the cheese through her fingers, Ava grinned a threetoothed smile. ‘Lala.’

‘You’re a tough cookie, just like your mumma, aren’t you?’ Sweeping Ava into his arms, he gave her a cuddle then settled her on his hip.

‘Thank goodness she didn’t hurt herself.’ Heaving a breath, Grace leant against the kitchen bench and rubbed her face. ‘The last thing we need today is a trip to the hospital for stitches.’ Her voice trembled and she tipped her head back. ‘I seriously feel like I’m at my wit’s end, Charlie.’ Meeting his gaze, hers was filled with unshed tears.

His heart aching at seeing her so upset, Charlie plonked Ava down with her brothers, who were now playing with a very patient Nugget. ‘You’re pushing yourself way too much, my love.’ He placed gentle hands upon Grace’s tense shoulders. ‘You can say no to volunteering so much of your time to the Girl Guides, Grace.’

‘Don’t patronise me.’ She shrugged his touch off. ‘One of us has to devote time to the kids’ activities.’

‘I’m not patronising you, Grace, I’m trying to look after you.’ He had to fight not to raise his voice – this battle of who did what was so tiresome. ‘And what’s that supposed to mean anyway? I devote as much time as I can to our kids, and to you, for that matter.’

‘You actually believe that, don’t you?’ Her icy tone cut him like a knife. ‘The black and white of it, Charlie, is that you’re not here a lot of the time, and I’m left keeping the ship afloat. And then when you are here, you might as well not be, because you’re always tired.’

Hating the way she was making him feel like a failure when he was trying so hard not to be, Charlie took a calming breath before responding. ‘My shifts are twelve hours long, six days a week, Grace. It’s a forty-five-minute drive each way, as you well know. You think I like being away so much? I’d give it up in a heartbeat, if we could afford it.’ He huffed an exasperated breath. ‘And forgive me if I’m a little tired on my days off, but my job is very demanding, physically, mentally and emotionally,’ he added, regretting it as soon as it came out of his mouth.

‘For god’s sake, Charlie, you don’t have a monopoly on being tired. I don’t get days off. I have a business that’s extremely taxing, as well as trying to keep up with being a mother, a wife, a housekeeper and keeping up appearances with everything else.’ Blinking faster, she turned her back to him and rested her hands against the sink. ‘This is getting beyond a joke.’ As she cursed beneath her breath, her shoulders slumped and her gaze remained out the window. ‘We don’t even have time to make love anymore, Charlie. What’s happening to us?’

Is she being serious right now? He was the one who was constantly knocked back when he tried to initiate intimacy. He’d forgotten the last time it had been her trying to show him any kind of love …

Charlie pushed down the whirl of irritation and hurt to catch his thoughts, and curb his desire to tell her exactly what he was thinking – tit-for-tat wasn’t the way out of this mess.

‘Do you not have anything to say, Charlie?’ She didn’t turn to look at him.

Charlie chose the pathway of blind optimism. ‘You’re right, Grace, we’re both under the pump, but I’m sure we’ll work this out, like we always do.’ Closing the small distance, which felt like an almighty chasm, he went to wrap his arms around her, to comfort her as best he could.

‘Please don’t touch me.’ She spun and stepped out of his reach, her arms wrapping around herself instead. ‘I can’t go on pretending everything is okay between us, Charlie, because in my eyes, and heart, it most certainly is not.’

‘I don’t know what to say to that, Grace.’ He hated how distant and closed-off she was from him. Gone were the days where she would wrap her arms around him when she needed a shoulder to lean on, or cry on, or to raise her up in celebration, with a smile as bright as sunshine, her eyes so full of love for him.

‘I don’t think there is anything you can say that would fix things, Charlie.’ She sighed, shaking her head. ‘It’s going to take actions, not words, for me to see light at the end of this tunnel we’re in.’

‘I think you and I are on different tracks, to be honest.’ His headache felt as if it were about to morph into a migraine. He squeezed the bridge of his nose. ‘I feel like you’re falling out of love with me, Grace, and it’s terrifying to me.’ There, he’d finally said it. ‘I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t know what I have to do to keep you, not when I’m already doing my darndest to be a good husband and father.’

Grace’s mouth opened and closed, but then she took a deep breath, nodding as if assessing all that he’d just said. ‘You’re probably feeling like that because, at times, I do feel like I am falling out of love,’ she said quietly. ‘And I don’t want to feel that way, Charlie. I’m doing my best.’ Her gaze sadder than he’d ever seen before, she dropped her eyes to the floor. ‘I’ve supported you through everything, Charlie. Your battle with drinking, your nightmares, when you lost your job at the car yard, and through a job that takes you away from me and the kids a lot of the time, and now … well, I suppose I’ve reached my limit of putting everything and everyone else before myself.’ Her voice was faint, and filled with grief. ‘I have to do that with the kids, but then … I draw the line.’

Was she going to leave him?

There’d be no turning back from this. Charlie knew it in his bones. He’d never seen her so broken, nor felt her so distant. ‘I know you’ve been there for me, Grace, though thick and thin, which is why I’m working so hard now, to try and make it up to you.’

‘I know, Charlie. I really do. But with four kids to contend with and my business demanding so much of me, I need you to be here for me.’ Bringing her gaze back to his, her eyes shimmered with more tears. ‘I’ve not been my happy self for quite a while now, but that’s only because I’ve had to be the strong one for so long. It’s taken a toll.’

Panic fuelled Charlie’s pulse into a frenzy. ‘I know, Grace, which is why I’ve taken two weeks of leave over Easter, so I can be here for you and the kids.’

‘And I’m appreciative of that, but what happens when you go back? I’m left once again to hold the fort here, and at the teashop.’ She shook her head, her eyes briefly closing. ‘There’s just not enough of me to go around anymore.’

Charlie felt so helpless – a sensation he’d felt throughout their marriage. ‘I truly am so sorry, Grace, but I’m working so hard so we can all have a good life.’

‘How many times are you going to apologise for the same things, Charlie?’ A deep weariness permeated her voice.

Charlie felt as if he was backed into a corner. ‘I suppose until you accept my apology.’

‘So, it’s my fault now?’ she snapped.

‘No, I didn’t mean it like that.’ Feeling like an absolute failure, both as a husband and a father, he looked to the floor and blinked back the sudden threat of tears. Was she ever going to give him a break and stop holding the past against him? ‘I need you to stop making me feel like a disappointment and start making me feel like the man you fell in love with.’ Frustration hardened his tone, and he instantly regretted speaking to her so harshly.