Page 71 of Jillaroo from Jacaranda

20

Jacaranda Farm

Rose cuddled Wizard to her. The smells of home baked bread and freshly brewed coffee usually made her smile, but not today, nor yesterday, or the day before that. Her body felt numb, but her heart was feeling everything at once – all the pain, guilt, loss, sorrow, and a deep aching.

Staring at the ceiling through teary eyes, she found herself, yet again, running over the very last conversation she’d had with Ty. The anguish when she’d refused to admit he was right, that she very possibly was falling in love with him. And the way his fingers had so tenderly mapped out the torn emotions etched into her face before he’d drawn her to him and held her so close that she’d barely been able to breathe. As she’d said her goodbyes, to him and to Leah, he’d told her that he’d need to cut himself off from her completely, if he were ever to get past the bitter disappointment. He’d done exactly as he’d said, and she’d done exactly as he’d asked her to, for two weeks, but it felt like a lifetime. Since driving away from the one place she ached to be, it was as if she was on a merry-go-round of turbulent emotions with no chance of ever stopping. How in the hell was she meant to ever get off and somehow get on with her life?

Her mobile chimed from the bedside, and just like every other time she’d received a message the past few weeks, she held her breath and silently begged for it to be from Ty.

Although thankful Leah was checking in on her every few days, her heart sank when she saw the text was from her.

Hey Rose, just me again, touching base to see how you’re feeling. I hope you’re getting on with things there and finding your place in this big wide world. As for me, I’m getting fatter each day. I seriously feel like my skin can’t stretch any more! Big hugs. I miss you. Xx

Just like every other message, there was absolutely no mention of Ty, or how he was, and she had a strong sense not to ask. Ty would have requested Leah keep him out of their girly conversations, and she wanted to respect that. She typed a short message back.

Hey lovely, I’m okay, just getting through from one day to the next. I miss you lots. Please make sure you let me know when you give birth to your bundle of joy. Xx

She sighed; unlike the first week she was home, she couldn’t lie in bed all day long, feeling sorry for herself. Trying to stretch herself into some form of life, she listened to the sounds of the household, wishing it would bring her the comfort she was craving even as the familiar weight of her heart had her squeezing back fresh tears.

A four-wheeler tore past the homestead, momentarily diverting her attention while drowning out the call of their resident rooster. Saturday had always been her favourite day of the week, closely followed by Sunday, but now, she hated the thought of yet another one without Ty to spend it with. She’d been so focused on healing when she was out at Wildstone Station that she’d gone and missed her chance with a man who was good, decent, kind and moralistic, and very handsome. She’d lost count of the times she’d kicked herself for being so wrapped up in recovering from a relationship that should’ve ended when it started. But it was too late to turn back now. She’d lied to Ty, and to herself, and being the proud man he was, she couldn’t ever expect him to accept her change of heart. She didn’t deserve a second chance to make things right.

Shoving the sheets off, she forced her heavy heart from the bed and trod towards her cupboard. Slipping into a pair of denim shorts and a casual T-shirt, she padded over to the curtains and hauled them open. The overnight rain was clearing, revealing a crystal-blue sky aglow with golden sunshine. Maybe, after some breakfast, she’d saddle Buck up and head out for the day. She needed to do anything but sit here, overthinking a situation she had no chance of changing. She would never see Ty Parker again, of that she was certain. She had to let him go.

Yawning while pushing hair out of her eyes, Rose wandered towards the kitchen with Wizard trailing her ankles, the bell on his collar jingling.

‘Morning, Mum. Something smells divine.’ The scent of cinnamon lured her towards the oven, where her mum’s legendary cinnamon buns were rising before her very eyes.

‘Good morning, sweetheart.’ Molly looked up from where she was rinsing dishes at the sink. ‘My god, talk about bed hair.’ She propped a hand on her hip as she regarded Rose through loving eyes. ‘Another bad night’s sleep?’

‘Yeah, you could say that.’ Rose tried to flatten down the bird’s nest on her head. ‘I just wish I could stop thinking about him.’

‘I’m not sure it’s going to be that easy, Rose.’

‘So I’m learning.’ Flicking the kettle on, Rose turned to her mum and shrugged. ‘It’s just something else I have to get through, I suppose.’

Molly came to her side and placed a reassuring hand on her arm. ‘Do you really have to get through it? Or can you fix it?’

‘I’ve explained all this to you, Mum.’ Not wanting to burst into tears again, she grabbed a mug and started spooning coffee and sugar into it. ‘I wish things were different, but they’re not.’

‘Okay.’ Molly rubbed her back. ‘Just know I’m here anytime you need to talk about it.’

‘Thanks, Mum.’ She spun and gave her a tight hug. ‘I love you so much.’ Her wall broke and she sobbed into her Mum’s shoulder. ‘This sucks so much.’

‘Shh.’ Molly gently massaged the back of her head. ‘I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly, sweetheart.’

‘It’s not your fault.’ Sniffing, she straightened and untangled herself from her mum’s embrace. ‘I think I might go and wash my face before I tuck into one of those yummy cinnamon buns.’

‘That’s a good idea.’ Molly went to the fridge and plucked out the milk. ‘I’ll finish making your cuppa and make myself one too. We can morning tea together.’

‘I’d really like that, Mum. Thanks.’

One look in the bathroom mirror had her grimacing. Her mum was right, she looked like hell. Over the past few weeks, she’d gone through every stage of emotion imaginable – sadness, anger, denial, grief, – full circle, only to find herself repeating the loop again. Hopefully, splashing some cool water on her face would help to freshen her up because, for now, that was all she had to help her feel somewhat ready to face the day.

A couple of hours later, her watering can in hand, Rose tended to the pot plants on the back verandah. As she leant in and sniffed a blooming red rose, she tried to shove the thoughts of Ty to the back of her mind for the thousandth time and, once again, failed miserably. Memories of their every touch, their kisses, his laugh, made her hand tremble and her heart squeeze even tighter. As she bit back a sob, the sound of horse’s hooves brought her attention down the drive, and she smiled when she spotted her father heading for the homestead.

‘Hey Dad.’ She gave him a wave as she sailed down the steps and towards him.

‘Hey, Rose.’ Dismounting, Mark looped the reins over the saddle horn. ‘I just thought I’d pop in and check on you, love.’ As he pushed the brim of his hat up, his eyes met hers. ‘And by the looks of you, I’m glad I have.’