Page 90 of Raging Fires

***

Jake hated her. Not covering-up-hurt hated her. Hating hated her. He was never in the house when she got up. He avoided her if they were even in the vicinity of each other. And if he did have to say something to her, his voice was cool and clipped and he stood as far away from her, as if it would contaminate him to get close to her. She didn’t think they had made direct eye contact once since the break-up.

He wasn’t angry. Kelli had been around Jake plenty of times when he was mad, and he had never been like this. He would yell or curse or stomp around. He had never given her the silent treatment. Only it wasn’t really even the silent treatment, where you knew somebody was trying to punish you. He was remote, his face expressionless, as if he hadn’t any feeling about her at all.

Maybe he didn’t hate her. Maybe he just didn’t care.

Which was better, of course. She didn’t want Jake hurt. She didn’t want him to be angry at her. But how could he cut off his emotions like that when she couldn’t control hers at all? She physically ached for him. She wanted to cry at the slightest provocation—sometimes she couldn’t even hold back the onslaught of tears long enough to duck into her office and close the door. Luckily a lot of her work was during the day and no one had seen her sobbing uncontrollably. Still, she hated how her emotions were running her life.

She wanted—oh, how much she wanted—to go to Jake and tell him she was sorry, that she hadn’t meant the things she’d said, that she wanted him back, no matter what. But one look at his face was enough to stop her.

Of course that was good, too. Rationally. Because she shouldn’t apologize and make up. What she had said had been the truth. And she shouldn’t get back together with him, knowing that she couldn’t rely on him, that the same thing would happen again and again. She shouldn’t have to take the blame for their break-up. That was being co-dependent, right? Even with all the books she’d read about co-dependency in families of alcoholics, she had trouble seeing it when she was in the thick of it.

Kelli knew she couldn’t have things both ways, couldn’t break up and still have things the way they were. It was only… well, she hadn’t really been trying to break up with him. She had just been mad and hurt. It was Jake who had called it off. He was the one who’d said it was never going to work and he was tired of trying.

He was right. She knew he was right: they just weren’t suited to each other, no matter what they felt. Jake thought she was rigid and sanctimonious. She thought he was lax and careless. He hated rules. She wanted structure. So what if they had fun together and sex with Jake lit her up like a candle? So what if they liked to watch the same dumb horror movies and loved the same ugly stray dog?

You couldn’t base your life on the fact that you got each other’s jokes or laughed at the same things. It didn’t matter that she knew she would never find another man she thought was as sexy as Jake or as much fun as he was.

A marriage wasn’t about only emotions. It was about relying on each other, helping each other, being there for your spouse. There had to be trust. It didn’t matter how much she loved Jake if she couldn’t trust him.

So, it was better that they part now before they got in any deeper. That was smart and safe—which wasn’t like Jake at all, but it was exactly what they should do. She just wished that she didn’t wake up every morning feeling like there was a great, gaping hole in her heart.

It would have been easier, she thought, if she had been able to talk to someone about it. But she couldn’t talk to Jake’s grandmother, who was someone Kelli had often gone to for advice. She didn’t want to tell Naomi or any of the others at the Blue about it because she didn’t want them choosing her side or disliking Jake or any of that. It was his business, too. And it wasn’t like he had cheated on her or something. She just needed him to be something he wasn’t, and he was being mature enough to recognize that. Kelli only wished she could force her heart to do the same.

She was sure everyone at the Blue sensed something was up; Kelli knew she wasn’t a very good actress. They had to wonder why Jake suddenly stopped coming into the bar. But they apparently could tell from her face that it was a subject best left alone.

There was Stephanie, of course, whom Kelli liked and who was obviously a very good listener, but that seemed like barging into Jake’s side of the world. The last thing she wanted was to have the team and their wives gossiping about Jake. He had worked too hard to repair his reputation.

So she just let her life slip into a steady, if painful, routine. She spent as much time at the Blue as she possibly could, and Jake avoided the house just as carefully. He usually came home in the afternoon; she would see him out of her office window, playing with Toby or just sitting on the porch with him. Kelli ate dinner at the Blue every day.

She wasn’t sure where Jake disappeared to all the time. He was helping Gran with the 4th of July party, but that couldn’t take up that much time. Maybe he hung out at that climbing place. At least he didn’t seem to be drinking or doing anything crazy.

Every night Jake showed up at the backdoor when she left the bar, just as he had been doing the past few months. Only now he walked about ten feet away from her and didn’t look at her, didn’t say anything except that he was training Toby to be her guard dog. Apparently, even with their relationship in tatters, Jake didn’t like the idea of her walking alone when he left for camp. It should have warmed Kelli’s heart but it just tore it further every time Jake rewarded Toby with treats for walking alongside them at night.

Kelli had no idea if the treats were working. Toby just seemed to be doing his usual thing of dashing around and trying to get tangled in their feet. She wasn’t about to question Jake about it, though. It was hard enough maintaining an unemotional expression. And the way her throat clogged up as soon as she saw Jake made it difficult to talk.

The band Jake had persuaded to return to the Blue had a show the following Thursday. It would have been better on the weekend, but this was the only time the band had free, and, given their popularity, she thought there would be a pretty big crowd anyway.

Kelli didn’t expect Jake to show up. It had been a week now, and he hadn’t come into the bar once. But when the band rolled in with their equipment, he walked in. Kelli wasn’t watching the door from the kitchen, but she sensed it the moment the door swung open. It was as if a little electrical current ran down her back when Jake was near.

She turned her head and saw him. He was talking to Naomi, whom he’d been dealing with about the 4th of July festivities. That had hurt, which was irrational; the less Kelli and Jake talked the better, really. No chance of her getting into an argument with him. Or of being even more stupid and throwing herself into his arms. Not that Jake would have let her do that at this point.

Jake turned away from Naomi and saw Kelli. She blushed, realizing he’d caught her staring at him. For an instant, she thought he might come over and say something to her. But he gave her a short nod, the sort of thing you’d give an acquaintance across the room, and he went over to the band. The manager was hanging on his arm and grinning and twinkling up at him.

Kelli wondered how her husband felt about that. Kelli had discovered the man’s stage name when the manager called. It was Doomsayer. A week ago, she and Jake would have shared a snarky comment or two about that and laughed. Not anymore.

Why had Jake come over here to meet the band? Was he actually interested in the woman who managed them? She didn’t really seem Jake’s type. The heavy black eyeliner, dark lipstick and leather seemed more like Justin Kowalski’s kind of woman. Kelli watched sourly as Jake smiled and laughed with her. Then he fist-bumped the lead guitarist’s hand and chatted with him. Trust Jake to somehow charm both of them.

Afterwards, Jake went over to the bouncers and talked to them, helping them move some tables and chairs. Kelli couldn’t keep from glancing over at him time and again as she worked behind the bar. Every time she looked at him, it was like another little stab to her heart, but somehow she couldn’t stop doing it.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him look over at her. He hesitated, and her heart tripped over its formerly steady beat. He was going to come over and talk to her. Her hand went to her hair, smoothing any strays from her braid. But he took a step, then turned aside and left the bar. It felt like all the air had gone out of the room.

It’d get better, Kelli told herself, when Jake left for training camp. She’d stop thinking about him and wondering where he was and what he was doing. She wouldn’t have to see him every night after work and feel the chasm between them.

Everything would be okay then. All she had to do was get through the next two weeks.

Chapter Thirty-Eight