Page 50 of Raging Fires

“No. I’m your wife.”

“Really? You’re not my wife. You threw that out the window four years ago. You are my pretend wife. It’s a pretend marriage. You think we’re going to just be celibate the whole year?”

“That’s exactly what I think.”

“Oh, for…” He set his jaw. “That’s ridiculous.”

“I took vows, Jake.”

“Yeah, I can tell how much you care about your wedding vows.”

“So the fact that we’re married means nothing to you. You’re free as a bird to do whatever you please, sleep with whoever you want.”

“Yeah.” He met her fierce glare with one of his own.

“So you’d be okay with me going out on a date?”

“Sure,” he shot back. “I don’t care. In fact, it’d be great. You might relax if you were getting some.”

“Okay.” Her voice was deadly, and a little feeling of uh-oh ran up his back. “Then that’s exactly what I’ll do.”

Kelli whipped around and stalked off to the bar. Jake stared as she walked up to Man-Bun and tapped him on the arm. Tyler turned, and Kelli said something to him, smiling up at him, her hand on his arm. Then Tyler’s face lit up, and he said “Yes!” so loudly Jake could hear it all the way across the room. Kelli walked off to the kitchen, not looking back, while Jake stood there, stunned.

She’d done it. Jesus Christ. She’d actually done it.

***

At the time Kelli had walked up to Tyler in the bar, she’d been so mad at Jake she could barely see straight. Tonight she realized she definitely hadn’t been thinking straight either. Which was how she now came to be seated on the back of a Vespa, vacillating between wanting to roll her eyes at how slow Tyler was going—28 if the speedometer was to be believed—and also wanting to hang onto the back of his shirt for dear life every time he switched lanes. She couldn’t imagine him on a real motorcycle with the tilt he threw on this scooter every time he moved laterally.

And, of course, he hadn’t even been willing to give her a hint as to what their date was going to be. All he’d say was it’d be ‘so very cool and chill’ which had her picturing a couples yoga class in the desert or something. She hoped she still had that SPF 100 in her bag. Even not knowing that much about Tyler, she figured whatever he planned would be uber-trendy and outdoors.

Or uber-trendy and in a sketchy warehouse in the college district. They rolled to a stop, which didn’t take long at the speed they were going. Some kids who looked like they must be using fake IDs came out of the warehouse that Tyler had just parked in front of. Fantastic. As if she didn’t already feel like a chaperone on a field trip just being out with him. Now she got to hang out with a bunch of kids even younger than he was at… Axe Throne? Oh, God. The combo of a pun and a staple of Renaissance Faires all in one place-name could not be a good sign.

“Isn’t this awesome? It’s an axe throwing bar, but it’s also festival themed.” Tyler was pulling off his helmet so she could see his wide grin. Kelli did her best to arrange her face into a facsimile of a smile as she pulled off her own helmet.

“Renaissance festival or music festival?” She wasn’t sure why she even asked. It wasn’t like she’d feel more comfortable around kids dressed for Coachella than she would around bearded men hollering about mead and ‘my lord this’ and ‘my lady that.’

“I’ll let you be the judge of that, my lady.” Tyler gave an exaggerated bow as he opened the front door for her.

And so the ‘my ladies’ had begun. Kelli hardly had time to take in the place before a very jolly guy with red hair and beard came up to them and whisked them off to their “lane.” Kelli took in his stained white linen shirt and fake suede pants as he gave them a safety run down. She hoped the beer stains on his clothes were just for realism—or at least from a different occasion. She peered at him as closely as she could and decided they weren’t still wet, thankfully. Nothing as completely useless as getting safety tips from someone who was wasted.

He was actually pretty entertaining—if a bit heavy on the pun usage—and by the end of their mini-lesson, Kelli had decided she liked their “Axe-pert,” though she did think the name tag proclaiming him as such kind of ruined the authenticity of his outfit. After covering all the rules, he showed them proper throwing technique but left to help another group before she and Tyler could actually start attempting to use his tips. He’d probably seen the glee on Tyler’s face as he held the little axes and decided it was better to be nowhere near him when he made his first throw.

Kelli wished she could’ve escaped it as well. Maybe she was just older and more cynical, but she didn’t think she’d ever been as excited about anything as Tyler was about hurtling a large metal blade on a stick across a room.

The first time Kelli threw her axe, it flew backwards and bounced off the chain link fence that, luckily, encircled the lane they were in. It didn’t get much better from there, but at least she managed to ride out the hour without accidently maiming herself. Or purposefully maiming Tyler, who kept re-explaining the instructions they had both just heard from the “Axe-pert.” Kelli was relieved to sit down and eat in the bar section of Axe Throne—even if all the food was Renaissance themed as well.

“Isn't a Renaissance Faire already a themed event? Which would make this place like a theme of a theme?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’d be like if I had a party but instead of the theme being ‘Playboy bunnies’ it was ‘Elle Woods Playboy bunny.’ Like a theme turducken.”

“Who is Elle Woods?”

“The main character in Legally Blonde? Played by Reese Witherspoon?”

“Was she that actress that got arrested for disorderly conduct or DUI or something when I was a kid?”