Page 79 of Lock ’N’ Load

He might not be able to express how he felt verbally, but he could do it with his body. That was the easy way, the coward’s way out, but it was all he had in him.

“Matt, I-I have something to tell you.” Her head fell back, giving him better access to that sweet spot beneath her earlobe. Her hands came around his back, then lowered to his buttocks as he pushed her against the tile wall.

He grabbed the hem of her shirt and made quick work of dragging it up and over her head. Next, he rid her of her jeans and panties until she was clad only in a lacy bra. Leaning down, he sucked her nipple into his mouth, but it wasn’t enough.

“I want you naked.” He yanked down her bra straps, freeing her beautiful breasts. Cupping them in his hands, he bent and suckled each one until they were hard and tight and puckered.

She clasped the back of his head, moaning. He reached around her back to tear off her bra, then skimmed his hands up the insides of her thighs, urging her to spread her legs for him. When she complied, he stroked the soft, wet folds of her core. Her body jerked at his touch.

Nuzzling his nose against the honey-blond curls covering her most sensitive parts, he looked up to see her watching him with glazed eyes. “I’m going to taste you.” With the shower’s spray on his back, he knelt in front of her and flicked his tongue against her wetness. A strangled cry escaped her lips, and he fastened his mouth on her, tonguing her until she was writhing against him.

Her fingers dug into his scalp, and he knew she was close. Inserting a finger inside her, he felt her tighten, then shudder as she came, clinging to his shoulders, crying out his name. Sinking his finger in deeper, he sucked on her folds, extending her orgasm. The feel of her body, so completely turned on by what he was doing, had him harder than he’d ever been in his life.

He turned up the water temperature so she wouldn’t freeze, then ducked out and rolled on a condom. Back in the shower, he closed the door behind them and lifted her, positioning the tip of his cock at her entrance. When she locked her legs around his waist, he pushed inside and they both groaned.

He gritted his teeth, pressing his forehead against hers. If he didn’t get his damned dick in check, this would be over in less time than it took for a bullet to leave the barrel.

Slowly, he began moving inside her, thrusting deeper with each successive stroke. His lips found hers, and as he thrust harder, faster, his heart pumped so furiously he thought it would burst.

“Baby,” he whispered into her mouth. “I can’t live without this. I can’t live without you.” Nor did he want to, he realized.

“Then don’t.” She kissed him back, her tongue doing amazing things inside his mouth.

Lifting her a fraction higher, he angled her hips, allowing him to push deeper inside her warm, tight walls. She tightened around him. Her breathing came faster, as did his. A beautiful, feminine moan escaped her sweet lips as she came, harder than before, her petite body bucking, her hips gyrating against his. A second later, his balls tightened, and he exploded with such force he cried out. With his face buried in the curve of her neck, he waited for his pulse to slow.

“Matt.” Trista’s voice was soft and breathy against his face. “I love you.”

He stilled as if he’d been slapped, then lifted his head to stare into the depths of her crystalline green eyes. For one infinitesimal second, he was happy. Truly happy. Then he felt the bite of tile digging into the old scars on the backs of his hands.

Jerry’s young, vibrant face came to him just before he’d lit up the old barn. In less time than it took for Matt’s heart to beat again, the joy shooting through him seconds ago fizzled and he stiffened. Under the warm spray, reality burrowed beneath his skin, and his body chilled.

No matter how much he wanted to say those three little words back, he knew he never would. Never could.

“Let me go.” Her voice was flat as she unclasped her legs from his waist and slid down the front of his chest. She brushed past him and out of the shower, stopping to wrap herself in one of his large bath towels.

As she headed out the door, he followed her into his bedroom, pushing the door closed before she could leave. What he saw in her eyes killed him. Pain. Anguish. Both of which he was responsible for. “I’m sorry.” He shook his head. He really was sorry, for both of them. “You deserve better than someone who can’t ever love you. Someone who doesn’t have it in him to love.”

“Bullshit.” Her eyes flared, and her voice rose. “You have as much capacity to love as I do, but you refuse to let yourself. It’s easier for you to wallow in this pitiful existence you’ve created for yourself than it is to fight past it. I told you before…you’re dying inside, and if you don’t get help soon, you will die. You’ll be here on this earth, living and breathing, but you might as well be dead.”

He dragged a hand through his wet hair, feeling despair like he’d never known before, knowing he was losing her. “It’s too late. What happened to Jerry—what I allowed to happen to him—” He hung his head and stared at the floor. “I don’t deserve you.” It killed him to say the next words, but they had to be said. “When this is over and you’re safe, you’ll find someone else. Someone who can love.” The thought of another man in her bed had him gnashing his teeth.

Taking a deep breath, she lifted her chin defiantly, although her voice trembled. “I already found that someone. You. But if you can’t heal yourself, I will find someone else. I may never love anyone as deeply, but at least I’ll try. You’ve already given up.”

Unshed tears welled in her eyes, and it undid him not to go to her, not to take her in his arms and say the words he desperately wanted to say: “I love you, too.” All he could do was watch helplessly as she pushed past him and opened the door. When she turned back to him, he glimpsed the sorrow in her eyes. He’d been given a gift—a beautiful flower—and he’d crushed it.

“I almost forgot. Your father and sister stopped by to hand-deliver an invitation to Jerry’s banquet. You really should go this year before you lose all touch with your family. I saw the look in your father’s eyes. It took a lot for him to come here.” She paused with her hand on the doorknob. “I’ll call my boss and arrange to go into someone else’s protective custody.”

Matt gritted his teeth. He didn’t want her to leave. Ever. But damned if he couldn’t get his feet to move. I am an asshole of the lowest order. A pathetic fuck. The woman he wanted more than his next breath was on the verge of walking out of his life, and he couldn’t get his fucking feet to move or his tongue to work. Doesn’t matter. He could never be what she wanted him to be. What he wanted to be for her. Her friend, her lover…the only man to ever touch her.

With the towel clutched at her breast, she opened the door. “By the way,” she said in a neutral tone, completely devoid of emotion. “I got into Thomas George’s encrypted files. I left them open on your laptop. I know who’s trying to kill me, and why.” She turned and shut the door quietly behind her.

For two seconds, he stared at the door, unmoving, then shoved his legs into a pair of jeans and grabbed a shirt and boots from his closet. Moments later, he was sitting at his laptop, reading the decrypted files.

“Holy fuck.” He reread the article, along with the supporting files, but the words didn’t change. Trista was right. Now they knew why Thomas George was murdered and why someone would undoubtedly try to kill Trista again. This story was the biggest conspiracy in recent history.

Pushing from the desk, he began pacing the length of his office. The chat room Trista had overheard was the key to everything. Iqaluit. He is not who he says he is. “Now we know who ‘he’ is,” he muttered. And he wants to kill Trista because of what she heard in the chat room. She could reveal his identity and his link to the Russians. The million-dollar question was whether the CIA was part of the conspiracy to cover up the truth.

The articles Trista had pulled up weeks ago detailed a fight for Russian supremacy in the Arctic region. Was this really all about Russia wanting to claim Arctic resources? Shit. This was so fucking beyond his pay grade, but he didn’t know whom they could trust.