Page 145 of Healing Eleanor

I pick at my food, avoiding her eyes. “He made it pretty clear he doesn’t want to see me.”

Lily’s brow furrows slightly. “No. He made it clear he doesn’t want to watch you hurt yourself. That’s different. You’re working on healing now, and he needs to see that.” She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Don’t give up on him yet. Please.”

I squeeze her hand back. “I’m not… but Lily, he hasn’t even reached out to me. It’s been three weeks, and nothing.” My voice cracks as I let go of her hand and stab at my food. “If he truly loved me like he said he did… don’t you think he would’ve come to see me by now?”

Lily exhales slowly, her fork pausing halfway to her mouth. “I hear you.” She finally takes the bite, chewing thoughtfully before speaking again. “But Nik has never been good at expressing his emotions. It’s like he bottles everything up until it finally bursts. He’s gotten better over the years, but with you…” She tilts her head, studying me. “I think he feels so much that it scares him. You’re not just another dancer to him, Eleanor. You matter. And I don’t think he’s forgotten you—not for one second. I think he just doesn’t know how to handle you… or the place you’re in right now.”

Her words settle heavy in my chest, equal parts comforting and crushing. “Yeah,” I whisper. “I can understand that.”

“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t think the world of you.” Lily grasps both of my hands, her eyes earnest. “When he comes to his senses, please give him a chance. I’ve never seen him look at another girl the way he looks at you. During every rehearsal, he would watch you with eyes that screamed longing. For goodness’ sake, he even brought you to his house.” Her voice softens. “After Nik’s sister died, he’s cautious about losing someone. And, Eleanor… I love you when I say this, but you were basically killing yourself. I just don’t think he could bear to watch it.”

Guilt settles into my shoulders. “I just… How do I fix it then? Get him to trust me?”

Compassion softens Lily’s eyes. “Just show up. Not many people do that for him.”

I nod, letting her words sink in.

For the rest of the night, Lily and I stick to lighter topics, like how my physical therapy has been going, or how Gabriel had ‘accidentally’ dropped Paloma during rehearsals, which coaxed a few laughs from me. But her words about Nik linger in the back of my mind. I can’t just walk up to him and pour my heart out.

Sure, I can go to their church, but then what? Profess my love for him, still skin and bones, and hope he believes me when I say I’m getting better? Because I don’t feel better. The urge to purge still whispers in the back of my mind, a voice telling me to punish myself for causing Nik’s hurt.

I know the voice is false, but that doesn’t make it disappear. I’m not ready for him, but that doesn’t make me want him any less. I just hope that when all this is over, a piece of his heart might still belong to me.

27

Crimson Snow

Nikolai

January twenty-second can’t come fast enough. Only two weeks away until the winter showcase is over, though it feels like a lifetime away.

The curtains open, and once I’m satisfied with everyone’s positioning, I leave. I can’t watch the performances. Every jump, every pirouette, is like a reminder of what Eleanor’s lost, what I’ve failed to protect. And Paloma… she’s become unbearable. Her sly smirks and her constant attempts to insert herself where she doesn’t belong have only grown since Eleanor’s injury. I’ve never seen someone so thrilled at another’s misfortune. A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Eleanor.

Every time I think about her, my mind goes straight back to the conversation Kasper had with me right after she tore her achilles.

“What the hell was that?” Kasper seethed as he stormed into the room, slamming the door behind him hard enough to rattle the frame. He remained standing. “And don’t you dare play dumb.”

I drew in a slow breath. “A dancer got hurt. Instead of letting her be a circus animal for entertainment, I took her somewhere she could have privacy.”

Kasper pinched the bridge of his nose. “You should have waited for medical.” His hands clenched into fists. “Now I’m hearing our dancers, our staff, whispering about how inappropriate that was. They’re wondering if something is going on between the two of you.”

I sat frozen. In one careless moment, I might have just destroyed both Eleanor’s career and my own.

“Nothing is going on,” I protested weakly.

It wasn’t entirely true. Even if Eleanor didn’t feel the same, I had completely fallen in love with her. I couldn’t save her, or even fix what she was battling, but I wanted to be there for her in the ways that mattered. Even if I was furious with her right now.

Kasper shook his head. “You are not to contact her or see her again.”

My head snapped up, my disbelief colliding with his fury.

“You promised no scandals. You promised to improve her already sharp skills,” he continued. “So far, I’ve seen none of what you assured me, Nikolai.”

My heart pounded against my ribs. This couldn’t be happening.

“If I find out you speak to her, or go to see her, that’s it. You can kiss your job goodbye.” Then he left without another glance, and my entire world collapsed right there in that office.