Page 30 of Dancing With Redemption

15

Roxie

It wasn’t that they were back in Lincoln’s house that had Roxie inwardly panicking. It was that room upstairs. A room where she’d been given, and had given pleasure, that made her want to grab her bags and her daughter and run away.

It was illogical and she knew it, but just knowing that room was there, knowing that there was a massage table, handcuffs, all kinds of ties and binds, made her skin crawl. She knew it was her own issue, that Lincoln would not mention that room, or anything else that might upset her. Just as she knew he wouldn’t take her anywhere near that room. What had happened in that room was nothing like what had happened to her in New York, but it was still too much of a reminder.

She just couldn’t say that to him. There was no way to explain it to him, how she felt being so close to that room. He’d said to her, before she left his house that day, that he was taking over custody of Lily, so if she wanted to be near her daughter now, and she very much wanted to be as close to Lily as she could be, then she’d have to stay with Lincoln. Despite that room. Despite the fear that tried to claw its way up her throat the minute she walked in the door and remembered that room upstairs.

On some level, Roxie knew this was trauma, knew it was desecrating the memory of the things they’d shared in that room. There wasn’t anything she could do about it, though. Saying anything to him might cause an argument, might end with him telling her to go back to her own apartment, but she’d have to go without Lily.

In the end, she’d decided to keep her trap shut and not say anything. This was her issue. She’d have to deal with it on her own. “I’m going to lie down for a little while.”

“Sure. I’ll stay down here with Lily. You rest, Rox.” Lincoln nodded but she caught the look of disappointment on his face and the way he frowned at her full plate. She’d only eaten a little of her food, but her stomach was twisted up and she couldn’t force even some of her favorite foods down her throat. She’d heat it up later if she got hungry.

Roxie walked up to the room that was hers and turned the TV on, just to have some noise in the room. She undressed, avoiding her still-tender toes as much as she could. Her fingertips were still a little tender, but not as much as her toes were. Part of her was afraid the pain would never go away, that there’d be a constant reminder of her time spent with that awful woman, but she habitually crushed that part of her thinking.

She picked a movie that seemed light, funny even, put on a baby pink nightgown, and got under the covers. She closed her eyes as the duvet settled over her, feeling almost at home for a peaceful second. This was what she’d needed, a quiet place with few people in it. Even if that room was down the hall, locked to everyone but Lincoln.

The opening credits of the movie ended, and Roxie turned to watch it. The movie played on, absorbing all of Roxie’s attention until someone knocked at the door. Her body stiffened, but she didn’t move. It could only be Lincoln or Lily, but fear still traced through her veins, polluting the peaceful shield she’d built around herself.

“Hey, it’s Lincoln. Your phone started buzzing, do you want it with you?” He asked through the door.

Roxie stayed silent, hoping he’d assume she was asleep. She waited, breath held, but he moved away from the door. Her eyes moved back to the television, letting her brain become absorbed in the movie again.

It wasn’t fair to him, this wall she’d put between him. It wasn’t the things he’d said to her before she’d left for New York that had erected that wall. It was her experience with Celeste, and her own doubt in herself. He didn’t need someone as broken as her in his life, not as a romantic partner, anyway. And she couldn’t let herself…she wasn’t sure what the word was.

She loved him already, that wouldn’t change. She trusted him. Knew he’d done everything he could to find her, to save her. June had told her everything that had happened. And it wasn’t that she was afraid to be happy, either. She just couldn’t take the thought of intimacy, not when it meant giving up control of herself.

Understanding blossomed in her mind at last, and the movie faded away.

Celeste had taken every bit of her autonomy, her self-control. The woman had shown her that everything she thought was true wasn’t. Civility was an illusion that could be shattered with a pair of clippers, or a pair of pliers. The idea that you could determine what happened to you, with you, had disappeared when that woman violated Roxie’s body with needles that she pushed into Roxie’s toes.

Thank fuck they’d found her before she could go to work with that blow torch, but even knowing that she’d been saved hadn’t stopped the nightmares. Nightmares that brought to life what would have happened if Kai and Lincoln hadn’t found her, hadn’t saved her. Her own brain was causing her more trauma after the fact.

Roxie felt something wet on her face and realized she was crying. She hadn’t really cried before, a few tears here and there, but now that she was alone, really alone, she couldn’t stop the tears. And when she started to sob out huge gasping sobs into the pillow, she couldn’t stop those either.

A snick at the door wasn’t enough to stop the tears or the sobs, not until a tiny pair of arms went around her waist and a much larger hand cupped her cheek.

“Please don’t cry, Mommy,” Lily said against the back of her head.

“Cry it out if you have to, Rox,” Lincoln said from across the bed, his feet still on the floor. Only Lily had crawled into the bed with her. Lincoln had respected her enough to not get on the bed with her. Still, he wanted to comfort her, wanted to let her do what she needed to and that mattered.

She opened her eyes to look at him. She saw how concerned he was, how he wanted to do more but wouldn’t, not unless she wanted him to. All she could muster was a watery smile, but that soon turned stronger. “It’s okay, I’m better now.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, kneeling down on that side of the bed, but still not in it.

“Yeah.” She nodded, putting a hand over Lily’s much smaller one as he pulled his hand back from her face. “I just had a moment, that’s all.”

“Want to talk about it?” He asked, but she shook her head.

“No, not right now. Maybe later.” She indicated Lily with a slight nod of her head.

Lincoln didn’t look overly pleased with that, but even if she did actually talk to him about all of this, it wouldn’t happen with Lily in the room. Maybe not in this house, with that room in it.

“Want me to sleep with you tonight, Mommy?” Lily asked, crawling over Roxie’s body to look her mother in the face.

“If you want to, baby.” Roxie smiled at Lily, brushing her hair behind her ear. “If you want to sleep in your room, though, you can.”