Page 22 of Dancing With Guilt

“I am too, really. Even if I think she’s too young for him.” June got up and took the trash into the house. “I’ll take that out when I leave.”

“Thanks. I’m trying not to go out too much. Not because I’m afraid or anything, but because I’m just trying to lie low.” Roxie frowned, wondering if she’d contradicted herself. “Anyway, thanks for everything.”

“So what happened with you and Lincoln in the beginning?” June waylaid her with that unexpected question once they’d sat down on the couch in the living room. “I mean, you hated him.”

“I did, I thought. Until that night.” Roxie’s words trailed off, remembering her fear, her need to be comforted. “I think it was the trauma that made it happen. He didn’t say no, I didn’t say no, it just happened.”

“I can understand that.” June nodded but waited for more.

“Then I found out I was pregnant. I could only remember one phone number, Aunt Katie’s. By the time I found out I was pregnant I had three jobs and lived over the pizza restaurant that was one of the places I worked at. I knew I couldn’t take care of a baby or raise one there. Aunt Katie took me in, helped me until Lily was a few months old, and we talked about it. I decided I’d leave them and go find better work, far away, to keep them both safe.” Roxie stopped suddenly, the pain of leaving her baby behind too overwhelming to ignore for a moment. “It nearly killed me. I nearly turned around and went back thousands of times. She has the same face as you and Lincoln, but my eyes. It’s like looking at all three of us at one time. And she was so sweet, loved me so completely.”

Roxie’s mouth closed on a sob, her eyes dripped with tears, and she stared at nothing, the pain still raw and inescapable. June came over to kneel down in front of Roxie so she could hug her. “I miss her so much, June.”

“I’m sure you do, honey,” June soothed, rubbing her hand up and down Roxie’s back.

Roxie couldn’t stop the sobs for a moment, even when she realized some of that pain was from Lincoln, and not being with him. From how angry he’d been with her for trying to protect her daughter from all threats. He could be mad all he wanted to be; he hadn’t been there. Yeah, that was her fault, but still.

“You know, honey, Lincoln still doesn’t know who his father is. Or if he’s even alive still. Mom won’t tell him who his real father is. I think that’s what he’s really angry about, that you’ve done to Lily what Mom has done to him. And he’s always wanted children. There’s a lot of unspoken pain behind his anger,” June revealed to Roxie, once Roxie’s sobs calmed a little. “I think if you approach him with that knowledge, understand that about him, then it’ll be easier to understand why he’s so mad.”

“Holy fucking moly, you’re right.” Roxie blinked and pulled away, so much is making sense now. Some of it she’d kind of known, or had known once upon a time, but it hadn’t all come together in her mind the way June had just laid it out. “I did the exact same thing, didn’t I? Fuck.”

Roxie thought about a few things and then spoke again. “That’s why he’s taking care of all of those people in Cambodia, isn’t it? He wants to help people, to take care of children, to help families stay together. And what did I do? I tore away his only child.”

“Don’t take on all the blame there, Roxie. It’s hurt him, yes, but Mom has a lot to answer for as well.” June paused, looked at Roxie steadily, and came to a decision. “Can we see her?”

“Lily? When it’s safe to, yes.” Roxie nodded but frowned. “When I can be sure that Lincoln isn’t going to snatch her away from me.”

“I don’t think that’s going to happen right away,” June said, openly and honestly. “He has to prove he has a right to first.”

“He does, yeah.”

“He has always had a crush on you. I didn’t realize that until the last couple of days.” June grinned, her right hand in her hair, her elbow braced on the back of the couch. “I started thinking about when we were kids and Lincoln was always there. I know you had a crush on Liam, but it was Lincoln that had the crush on you. It didn’t make sense back then, why he was always around because all he did was pick on us, but he’d always find an excuse to be the one to pick me up from your house. He’d bring Liam along, but now I can see, he just wanted to see you.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Roxie grinned, but her cheeks turned pink.

“He tried so hard to find you after you disappeared, too.” June paused, her lips twisting in thought. “He found out a lot, but that’s for him to tell.”

“What do you mean?” Roxie asked, confused. He’d found out a lot about what?

“It’s stuff Lincoln will have to explain, he’s the one who knows all the details. Anyway, I think it’s time for me to go. I have to pack still and get ready to leave tomorrow. I hate to say goodbye, but I won’t be gone for long this time. I promise.”

“I hope not.” Roxie stood up to hug her friend, June’s words still bouncing around in her head. What had that all meant? “Let me know when you get home. Love you.”

“Love you too, Roxie. Always,” June hugged her and gave her a quick cheek peck before she grabbed her bag and the trash and left.

What exactly had she meant, Roxie wondered, staring at the door.

11

Lincoln

June was going back to New York and Lincoln would be alone. He didn’t have Roxie to fill his nights anymore, he’d made sure of that, for better or worse.

At the moment, it seemed like the right decision to have made, but it felt like the worst decision he’d ever made. She’d kept something vitally important from him, he couldn’t trust her now, could he? He remembered that vulnerable, virginal girl he’d made love to all those years ago, because that’s how it had been.

He’d adored her for many years and that night had been a dream come true for him. It had been her worst nightmare, but for him, what they’d shared had been beautiful. Born from trauma yes, but still beautiful. He’d hoped that things would change, that she’d let him protect her, but she’d been gone when he came back from getting breakfast.

It was clear she was afraid, not of him, but of what had happened to her parents. That must have colored every decision she’d made since then. But he could have taken care of her. His mom and Dr. Bennet would have helped them both, he could have been a dad and, maybe, a husband.