Page 1 of Dancing With Guilt

1

Roxie

Too many secrets. Too many lies. It was all falling apart, everything she touched just shattered in her hands like broken glass, to disappear into the void. She wanted to scream but something had stolen her voice. No sound came out, only a hot rush of air that blew the flicking shards of glass further away, into that black void. When she tried to move her legs did not obey, almost as if…they didn’t exist. Roxie looked down, saw nothing, felt nothing.

There was no escape.

A scratch across her face brought her out of the dream, nightmare really, and back to the world in general. A gemstone glittered in the moonlight that filtered through the curtains in Lincoln’s living room. The topaz of the ring he’d bought for her. The one that matched the bangle he’d given her.

Shit, he was still gone.

She’d fallen asleep on the couch, waiting for news but nothing had come. With her eyes on the floor, she went to the downstairs bathroom and washed the makeup off her face. A glance in the mirror revealed bright blue eyes ringed with the smudges of exhaustion, as if a child with dirty fingers had walked in while Roxie was asleep, and tapped her beneath her eyelids. Shaking her head, she scoffed at the poetic thought and reached for her makeup bag.

Misery grabbed at her heart the minute she opened the bag and saw the lip gloss June had given her. June led to thoughts about Lincoln, and that nearly floored Roxie. She didn’t put makeup on to please him, or anyone else really. Putting on makeup was something she loved doing because she created looks for herself that kept her real identity hidden away. Behind the makeup, her real self was an enigma, safe from onlookers who might question who she really was.

There was no point in adding the layers that would mask that person at the moment. Especially when a new idea sprang to mind. Darkness threatened to overwhelm her, she wanted to sit on the bathroom floor and cry until she could cry no more. That wasn’t her way though, not when she had the perfect thing to help her cope, when Lincoln had created something out of what must be love for her. Even if he’d never said it.

She headed into the room that had been converted into a dance studio, changed into a black leotard with a gauzy skirt that came down to her knees, and tucked her phone into a pocket in the skirt. With earbuds in place, she set the song she wanted to dance to the most right then on repeat and waited for the music to begin.

An onlooker would see a woman dancing to silence, but the music was in her ears, filling her head with the somber notes of Beethoven’s first movement of the Moonlight Sonata. Her feet moved by muscle memory alone through each step, with her arms up and over her head, as the music guided her steps and began to take the thoughts that haunted her from her mind.

There were things still left unsaid, things she needed to tell Lincoln, and the thought that she might never see him again was wholly unacceptable. It was more than just the things left unsaid that bothered her, it was an emotion she didn’t want to define, despite everything they’d been through.

“I care about him,” she said to the empty room, softly, just in case someone had woken up. “Do I love him?”

That was a thought that made her feet stop altogether and her arms came down at her sides. The reflection in the mirrored wall revealed a shocked woman, a woman too far gone to even know what she was feeling. In love? With Lincoln?

Old memories and new sped around in her brain and rather than face the truth, rather than admit it, she growled at her image and left to change into something less ballet. A pair of blue denim shorts, a loose sage green blouse, and a pair of blue deck shoes with no socks would be good enough.

“You’re awake,” June said as soon as Roxie entered the kitchen, unloading paper grocery bags.

Roxie looked over the black playsuit June wore, wondering if it was an indication of June’s thoughts about what might have happened to Lincoln. For a moment, Roxie resented the fact that June wore a color more suitable to mourning, but let it go. June was her friend and Roxie knew that she often wore dark colors, even on happy occasions. Lincoln’s half-sister didn’t mean anything at all with the outfit.

“I’m awake. I tried to get some practice in, but I can’t stop thinking about Lincoln.” Roxie went to the fridge, grabbed some water, and took a seat at the table. “We have to get him back.”

“And we will, honey, don’t worry.” June’s voice, a shade deeper than Roxie’s, spoke soberly but with conviction. “I’ll give up every dime I have to do it if that’s what it takes.”

“I know you will.” Roxie smiled faintly in June’s direction, knowing that all the money in the world wouldn’t keep Lincoln safe from a drug addict who was too high to know what he was doing. “I can’t believe this has happened.”

“I hope you aren’t thinking this is your fault somehow?” June asked, her voice sharp now.

“No, I’m not. I could, I know that, after all, this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for Lincoln showing back up in my life. But no, I know this isn’t on me.” Roxie leaned back in the seat, her eyes on the ocean outside, taking in the peaceful morning scene. “This is so hard though.”

“It’s hard on all of us,” June said, politely reminding Roxie that it was her brother that was missing. “I expect Mom will show up any moment now, but at least she’s stayed away so far. I think she’s in Paris at the moment, otherwise, I’m sure she and Dad would both be here.”

“I’m surprised your dad isn’t here, to be honest,” Roxie admitted, turning her eyes back to June. “Have you updated him?”

“I have. He’s working on getting the money together and he’ll bring it here later this evening, I think. He may come here before that, if he can get the money together.” June shrugged and started cutting up some of the strawberries and other fruits she’d taken out of one of the paper bags.

Roxie didn’t bother to mention how strange June’s family was, she’d known that for years. Liam should be here too, June and Lincoln’s brother, the one that Roxie had a crush on all those years ago, but he wasn’t either. He was probably caught up in work or something. Or maybe he just wasn’t close enough to Lincoln now to be worried. That was a sad thought but not unheard of in the world today.

Roxie didn’t let his name leave her lips, she just watched as June sliced up cheese and added it to a plate that she brought over to Roxie.

“Eat this,” June said as she sat down and picked up a slice of apple to chew on.

Roxie did as instructed and picked up a few slices of strawberry to eat. Chewing on the fruit didn’t bring Lincoln back, but it did wake her stomach up. She ate a few more slices of strawberry, some apple, and a few squares of cheese until she felt full, and went back to staring out of the windows.

“We’ll get the money, somehow, Roxie,” June said, taking Roxie’s left hand between hers. “We’ll get him back.”