Page 5 of Dark Secret

“I’d kind of…” I let the words trail off because I felt guilty. That was basically my plan, even if I didn’t want to admit it. “Too dramatic?”

“Girl, if I could count how many times women have done that and regretted it. I don’t recommend it, though, others might. You’ll just end up feeling trashy, and it won’t solve anything. If you want him, then you’ll just have to wait. Instead, come have a drink with me and don’t do something you’ll regret.”

“Is that what you did when Freddie didn’t renew your contract?” I asked softly, because I didn’t want to hurt her, but I also wanted to know. We headed to the bar as Roxie answered.

“I drank myself silly the first night, at home, where nobody had to pick up the pieces. Then, I went back to work. I’ve got another fella on the line already, though. Freddie’s moved on, and I have to face that.”

“You just said I shouldn’t do that.” I was confused, and my face showed it. The barman brought us our drinks, and we went to a table.

“Do what?” She looked equally confused as we sat.

“Replace him with another man.”

“Oh, honey, no.” She laughed. “Mine is strictly business. That’s different. No man will ever hold my heart. There isn’t one man enough for the challenge.”

I knew she’d meant it, and I’d wondered, not for the first time, exactly what she’d lived through in her life. Roxie’s practicality was always something I’d admired, and it didn’t surprise me that she’d face hurt with the same attitude. You couldn’t change someone’s mind, even if you’d wanted to, and business was business. I saw the sense of her words, and knew I’d been right to come to her. She took my hand, purely platonically, and looked at me with renewed curiosity.

“Do you love him? Is that the problem?” She didn’t chew at her lip, but I knew she’d wanted to by the way her lips pursed.

“I don’t think I know him enough to love him, Roxie.” I looked away, completely surprised at this sudden intimacy.

“Have you ever, ahem, have you ever been in love before, Em, ah, Stephanie?” She didn’t look at me until she almost used my real name.

I stared back at her, certain I looked like a deer caught in the headlights, even behind my mask. How did I answer that? I’d never had time. I’d gone to an all-girls school, and I’d always been book-ended by a brother, a mother, my father or Jesse. I’d never had a moment alone to fall in love, much less be in love.

“No,” I finally answered her.

“Ah, so that complicates it even more, then.” She looked away and pursed her lips again, her eyes narrowed. “Hmmm.”

It seemed I wasn’t the only one doing that lately, then. “Well?”

“I don’t know. Perhaps…” She paused and looked deeper at me, although I’d been certain that was impossible a second ago, but she managed to do it now. “You know, I wouldn’t say this normally, but you know you weren’t a very good sub, if you walked out on him.”

I stared at her, shocked. My jaw even hung open a little bit as I stared back at her. “Not a very good … I just … well…”

“You can sit there and blink all you want to, my dear, but you weren’t.”

“He wanted another contract. I’m sick of signing contracts. He either wants me or he doesn’t.” I felt as if I’d been filled with some kind of righteous, burning light as I sat there, indignant. Not a very good sub, my ass!

“I don’t know a lot about what goes on between you two, you’re both very closed-mouth on the subject, but I think you’re new to this and still learning. You can be forgiven for walking out on your dom. I could be wrong, but I think he’s different with you. I don’t know him very well, quite frankly, but from what you’ve said, he doesn't have a very tight leash on you. Something tells me that’s not normal for him, though?” Her fingers tapped on the table, and she took on a faraway look.

“I can’t wait for what you decide on next…” It dripped with sarcasm, but I didn’t leave. Maybe she was right.

In the videos, and the vignettes I’d seen in the clubs, the doms had been much rougher with their subs. Dylan was definitely controlling when we had sex, and he had demands, sometimes, but he’d never actually left me in a lot of physical pain.

“Do you like pain, Em, er, Stephanie?” She licked her lips before she added more. “I mean really like it?”

“I, well, Dylan hasn’t…” I stopped and licked my suddenly hot lips. This was definitely personal. “Uh.”

“If you want my help, you have to talk to me.”

“I’m not used to having such intimate conversations, that’s all.” I pulled away to ease some of the too intimate atmosphere. I couldn’t talk to her while she held my hands. “It’s just, I don’t know what I want. I don’t want to be degraded, not like some of those people in the videos…”

“That’s fine. I think what you’re after is more of a safe kind of experience. You’re more of a brat who pushes her dom, if I was to guess.”

“I suppose.” Once she’d said it, the word kind of made sense. I wanted to be bad, to goad him into punishing me, in very sexy ways, not in the make me never act like that again, kind of way. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“So then, walking out is more of a tantrum for attention?” she supplied with a raised eyebrow.