Page 26 of Protecting Her

I want to go home. The thought hit me as I stared out the window of the tiny apartment I’d rented in New York City, cold rain streaks on the steamy glass. I was so… lonely.

It’d only been a little over a week since I left Nashville, so I knew I had to give the place a chance, but it was so noisy and frightening. Of course, I’d made my way in London, but that had been different. I’d expected everything to seem foreign; they drove on the wrong side of the road didn’t they? Here? It was the same country, but everything was just so very different.

There were cabs everywhere, people and machines constantly made noise, and there always seemed to be a frantic pace to life. Get there, get here, quickly, quickly, before time runs out. Was that a zest for life, or a fear that life would pass them by before they knew it? I couldn’t decide and left my seat in the window to head deeper into the loft.

I’d used the money I had saved in my account to rent this place and was about to sign a contract with an agent. I didn’t want to, but it was the best offer I’d been made so I had decided to take it. I’d make a record, go on tour, and the world would be at my feet, or so I’d been told. I had a feeling that promise had been made to more than one artist.

I had to give this place time, I reminded myself. No, I hadn’t made any friends yet, but I would. In time. When the pain over Kevin didn’t cut me anymore.

He’d turned out to be no better than Graham. How could he leave a child like that, his own child, without a father? I bet he didn’t even send the mother child support. Sure, he could spend thousands on me, and promise me the moon, but if I got pregnant would his tune change? Would I suddenly become someone he didn’t know?

I’d seen all those talk shows where men denied their babies, claimed they never even had sex with the mother. I knew how often they turned out to be liars. Every now and then a woman was proven to be a fraud, but not very often. More often than not, the man tried to get away with it. I didn’t know why, DNA testing had been around for decades; didn’t they know the test could prove the truth?

It all made me very sad, so I sprawled out on the mattress I’d flopped down on the floor as a bed. I crawled under my duvet, pulled it over my head, and tried to block out the world. It didn’t work.

I wanted to talk to Sarah, to ask her advice, but I had a feeling I knew what she’d say. I didn’t even give him a chance. She hadn’t been in my shoes though. She hadn’t had the life I’d had. She didn’t know what it was like, but then, I told myself I’d jumped to conclusions. I didn’t know everything in Sarah’s past, or how she’d grown up. I didn’t know her experience with lovers.

Maybe she’d had as many bad experiences as I’d had. I was surprised when my phone started to vibrate on my nightstand. It was Sarah. She’d tried to call me every day since I’d left the bar in Nashville. I’d ignored the calls and texts from her and others since that day. I’d wanted to break all ties, but I felt a tug toward Sarah.

She’d been so nice to me, so sweet. I couldn’t leave her like that.

“Hey,” I answered, my voice breathless. “How are you?”

“I’m alright. You know me. How are you?” She sounded concerned, but she didn’t push me.

“I’m… okay. Just a little far from home.” I had been since I’d left Alabama, truth be told. That was why I was so hurt over all of this.

I’d started to plan a future, with a home, a real home, and that woman had made me see that Kevin hadn’t had those kinds of plans. He’d never talked about the future anyway, so what kind of plans could he have had, really? It was best I popped that little bubble of a dream now and get it over with.

“Where are you?” Sarah asked, and I sighed, not sure what to tell her.

“I’m in New York. But please, don’t tell anybody.” It wasn’t like Kevin had called me or texted me anyway. For all I knew he hadn’t come back from the last trip he was on. He might not even know I was gone yet. The hotel would though, and surely someone would have informed him.

“I won’t. Listen, Kevin’s back, and he’s looking for you.” She paused, and I could tell she was trying to decide what to say next. “Look, I don’t know what happened, and you don’t have to tell me, but if it had anything to do with those British women who were here, I don’t think you can trust anything they might have said.”

“Oh.” I went to roll over and promptly fell out of the bed, onto the floor. Another reason not to have a bed frame. I picked up the phone where I’d dropped it and answered again. “I just thought it was time to try something new.”

“Alright.” I heard her say to my lie. “Well, in that case, Kevin’s looking for you, but I won’t tell him where you are. I wouldn’t do that to you. Are you okay up there?”

“I am, just lonely and bored. I guess when I start work on the album I won’t be bored anymore, but right now, while I wait, it’s killing me.” I stood up and went into the kitchen. I still had at least a glass of wine left in that box I’d brought from Tennessee with me, and it was calling my name.

Kevin was looking for me? Why? I’d told him not to. Why couldn’t men actually listen when a woman spoke?

I set the phone down as Sarah relayed Kevin’s sudden reappeareance, tilted the plastic dispenser on the box of wine, and filled my glass. The sweet smell of muscadine grapes filled the air, and I felt calm pour through me quickly.

Nothing could be bad as long as I had muscadine wine.

I took a sip and went into the living room area. Just a couch, two chairs, and a table in the broader expanse of the giant room I called an apartment. At least the bathroom and bedroom were separate. Sort of. The bedroom was formed from dressing screens, and not really a room at all. The bathroom did have a door though. The rest was all open.

“Are you going to stay up there then?” She’d paused, and I realized I hadn’t said anything at all.

“I don’t plan on coming back, no. I guess I’m like a gypsy, aren’t I? No roots and nowhere to call home. My home is the world.” I’d tried to make Kentucky home, but that hadn’t been very nice. London had only been a temporary home. I’d tried to set up a home in Tennessee. I’d even started to look at houses I could rent in Nashville, but nothing serious.

This apartment was the first home I’d ever provided for myself, and I had to make the best of it. Somehow.

“Well, I don’t want to lose touch with you, so don’t forget me, okay?” Sarah sounded as if she had tears in her voice, and I was shocked. “I really hate that you aren’t here. You brought so much sunshine into the world, you know?”

“Well, it’s not like I’m dead, silly. You can come visit me. Or we can meet halfway at some point.” I took another sip of wine and smiled. “Maybe you can go on tour with me, be my resident bartender.”