Page 27 of No Going Back

I sit on the edge of the couch with my heart jammed in my throat, swallowing hard every few seconds like that might push it back down where it belongs. This is it… I’ve decided… I want Cole. I don’t think Hannah was ever right for me, she was just the path that led me here, to the moment I finally saw what’s been right in front of me for fifteen years. It’s always been Cole, of course it has. We’re inseparable, best when we’re together. He’s like another part of my soul, something I don’t think I could let go of even if I tried. Hannah… as horrible as it sounds, she doesn’t feel like a great loss. She feels like something I grew out of without realising it.

Cole left a while ago, out for Friday-night dinner with half the team. They’ll probably flash fake IDs or just grin their way into a nearby bar that serves food and cheap pitchers. Nothing fancy. It sounded nice when he told me; I wished I was going. Instead, I’m here, palms sweating, rehearsing words in my head while the clock ticks past 5:30.

The door opens. Hannah walks in looking exhausted, shoulders slumped, bags dropping to the floor with a thud.

“You alright?” I ask, voice softer than I mean it to be.

She gives me a sad little smile, eyes already glassy. “It’s just been a long month and I thought…” She pauses, sniffles, wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I thought I could go straight back into lectures and long days, but there’s so much. It’s all so much. I’m exhausted, and I feel constantly on edge like I’m waiting for my mom’s nurse to call with bad news.”

Shit. I stand up, cross the room, and pull her into a careful hug, not too tight, not too loving, just… there. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re allowed to feel like this. You’ve been carrying a lot. Give yourself a break.”

She buries her face in my chest and clings harder, misreading the comfort completely. “You’re so sweet, Remy. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

We end up on the couch. She talks… about her mom, about the mountain of missed work, about how scared she is… and I listen, nodding, rubbing her back in slow circles. Every time I try to keep it platonic, she leans in closer, eyes soft, like my kindness is proof I still love her the same way.

And then she kisses me. I freeze for half a second, guilt slamming into me like a truck. She’s exhausted, scared, and crying quietly against my mouth. I feel like the worst person alive if I pull away right now, so I kiss her back gently, careful, trying to give her what she needs without giving too much of myself.

It escalates fast. Her hands slide under my shirt, tugging it up. “I just want to feel close to you,” she whispers, voice shaky. “Please, Remy… make me forget everything for a little while.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. “Okay.”

We move to my bed. Clothes come off, hers first, then mine. She’s already wet when she pulls me on top of her, legs wrapping around my waist, whispering how much she missed me, how safe I make her feel. I close my eyes the second I push inside.

I picture Cole. Cole’s hands on my hips. Cole’s low groan in my ear. Cole’s tight heat around me instead of this. Cole’s mouth on mine, biting, claiming. Cole’s voice calling me baby.

It works. I get hard… thrusting slow and steady while she moans beneath me, nails digging into my back, telling me how good I feel. I keep my eyes shut the whole time, fucking her but thinking only of him, of the way he looked at me in the bathroom earlier today, of the way he said my name like it belonged to him.

She comes first, back arching, crying out my name, clenching around me in waves. I keep moving, chasing the edge I can only reach if I picture Cole’s face, Cole’s hands, Cole’s…

The door to the dorm opens in the living room. I freeze mid-thrust, heart slamming. Cole’s voice carries down the hall, light, laughing at something one of the guys said on the way back.

Hannah doesn’t notice. She’s still panting, pulling me closer, whispering, “Don’t stop, baby…”

But I’m already softening inside her, guilt and panic crashing over me like ice water.

Cole

I walk into the living room smiling, still buzzing from the afternoon. The guys dragged me to that shitty bar near campus… nothing fancy, just greasy burgers, cold beers, and enough bad jokes to make my sides hurt. We only had a couple beers each, just enough to wash the food down and feel loose, not sloppy. Being young, being idiots, yelling over the jukebox, slapping backs like we just won the national championship. It was good.

The whole time, Remy was in the back of my mind, though. A quiet hum under the noise, hoping the breakup went okay. Hoping Hannah wasn’t too heartbroken, she doesn’t deserve that, even if she’s in the way. Hoping Remy hasn’t been sitting here moping or feeling guilty the whole time I was gone. I kept picturing coming back to him free, finally. No more pretending. No more stolen moments in bathrooms or under blankets while she slept in the next room. I can have him, really have him. Cuddle him in bed all night without guilt, shameless amounts of sex, lazy mornings where I don’t have to pretend I’m not obsessed with every inch of him. I’m excited… stupidly, boyishly excited.

I head down the hall, still smiling, push Remy’s door open without knocking. “Hey, how did it…”

The words die in my throat. My face drains of colour so fast I feel dizzy.

Hannah’s on her back on the bed, legs wrapped tight around Remy’s waist. He’s buried inside her, her nails dragging down his back. Her head is thrown back, mouth open on a moan. Remy’s eyes are closed.

“Cole! Get out!” Hannah gasps, voice high and shocked.

I slam the door shut so hard the frame rattles. My chest caves in.

I hear Remy’s voice, panicked. “Shit, Cole!”

And Hannah, confused, “No, what are you doing?”

But I’m already moving, grabbing my keys off the hook by the door. I don’t look back. I leave fast, jog down the stairs, three at a time, heart hammering so loud it drowns out everything else. Thank God Coach was wrong; it hasn’t rained. One more thing going wrong and I’d lose it completely.

I basically run to my truck in the lot, unlock it with shaking hands, climb in, and slam the door. I look toward the building, Remy’s sprinting out the front doors, barefoot, shorts half-buttoned, hair wild.