Page 198 of Carousel

I sink down to the floor, my head resting against the wall.

He’s an evil man.

He loves violence – he’d shown that, many times.

The ship going up in flames… This will be a sight he’ll relish.

Why hadn’t I believed my own eyes? My own instincts?

His actions will kill us all.

My hand becomes a fist around the radio.

Cosmer, Drake and Rike are all looking over at me.

But I ignore them.

Because the only thing that matters is the light I can feel wrapping itself around me.

Except it’s more like darkness.

I can’t make him directly kill himself, I remember.

But, maybe…

In my mind’s eye, I can even see him. He’s smirking, standing by a telescope in The Bridge of a hive which is travelling towards us. Its ships are already out in the sky, leading the way. They will have descended on us – destroyed us – within the hour.

I speak softly into the radio, like I’m speaking to him from a dream.

“I want you to go down to your ship’s osimidite chamber. I want you to defeat any engineers who may be there – I know you can. Then I want you to sit there. Soak in the fumes and just enjoy yourself.” Cooler, I say, “For a long, long, long time.”

I feel the silent click. The magic fizzles.

The radio goes dead.

Cosmer is approaching me. He reaches out for me.

“What did he say?” he asks me, with love in his eyes.

And I turn cold as granite.

I take his hand, shakily, knowing I will never tell him about this moment. What I just did to a man.

I don’t think he would understand it.

“Nothing of note,” I lie.

I feel pain for that.

But no regret.

No regret at all.

Cosmer walks me back to Drake and Rike, his hand on the small of my back.

I take one look at Drake and know he knows exactly what I did. His eyes judge me a thousand times. But his face tells me nothing.

I stare right back at him. Why didn’t you stop me that time? I think to him. You must have agreed with me. You must have thought he deserved to die, too.