Page 154 of Carousel

I don’t know what’s happening, but I ignore it. There is nothing else that matters but Old Mother, and the truth.

I grit my teeth. Can hardly speak. “Don’t talk in riddles. How would I not be here without the fortune?”

I will tell you everything you wish to know, Ara. But only when you are ready to know it. You may even remember much of it yourself, very soon. You already are.

The effort to keep myself anchored in Old Mother’s mind is catastrophic. My skull feels as though it’s cracking, and wind is roaring in my ears. Around me, more items are sucking up and out of the image. Like an airlock was opened, and soon nothing will be left.

“I’m ready now, Old Mother. And you will tell me everything I need to know.”

You need more strength. I’m so, so sorry, my child. I wish I could do more for you.

I shriek, into her mind, “I am strong enough!” I lunge at her. “It’s my past. My future! Tell me them!”

She disappears from where I thought she was, just before I had a chance to grab her. She reappears further back. I realise there is nothing else left in the open space we’re standing in. Just our bodies, and the smoke.

Her reply is calm. She doesn’t even flinch.

You know your future. You have known it all your life. I am sorry you are having to learn it all again. But yours is a fate that requires strength and courage to understand and bear. Time, and practice of your magic, will give you those things.

The smoke is thickening. The space is darkening. I have to squint to see Old Mother, even though she’s right in front of me again. She’s staring at me so full of love.

I hate her.

I want to hurt her.

I could scratch her milky eyes right out of their sockets.

Was I ever angry before, in my life? Those moments pale in comparison to this. You could use my body to incinerate something. Maybe hope.

“You’re a vile woman,” I spit at her. “I thought you loved me. But you’re just like the rest of them, aren’t you? Lying to me. Using me.”

That same calmness that makes me want to die.

I do love you, Ara. Even now, when I can feel you loathing me – can see, in your mind’s eye, the way you wish to hurt me. To still love someone when you can bear witness to that, that is the kind of strength you will need in order to hear the two fortunes I read the Queen, and learn your fate once more.

My mind clasps something she just said.

“Two fortunes?”

I can tell you this, at least. One was the original fortune. The second was the fortune I drew to try to change the fate predicted in the first. It is a risky business, cheating the stars.

My voice lifts higher. “You’re just giving me more riddles⁠—”

Old Mother interrupts me. There’s someone else here.

“In your head?”

No. In yours.

And then I hear it. A single word, softly spoken to me, in my dream.

“Ara?”

I whip my head around. See nothing.

Old Mother has disappeared. I claw viciously at the smoke where she left, the way I’d wanted to do to her face, but find only air.

Pain wracks my chest as I collapse onto my knees. My head thrown back, I scream out in a pure release of rage at the smoke swirling over me – and feel waves of magic coming off me as I do so. Funny, how I feel so powerful at a time when I am powerless. I wish I could split this miserable space wide open.