Page 121 of Carousel

I sigh.

And then we’re standing. I dress quickly, and we head back to his ship.

The closer we get, the deeper my sense is that – for two people supposedly doing the right thing – it does feel more like we’re making a terrible mistake.

Cosmer loads up a large satchel that was in his ship with tinned food from the base. Apparently, he does that regularly. He chatters away to me about how he doesn’t know who stocks up the food there, or why. But they don’t seem to have noticed that he takes it, and he’s grateful.

I hardly say a thing.

He tries to get me to fly the way back, but I keep making mistakes, and he has to keep repeating himself, or doing things himself.

Eventually, he moves me gently to the seat beside him and takes over the controls. The ship falls silent.

I stare out at the clouds. They’d looked like cotton to me on the way up. Now, they look like spectres.

The desert island already feels like something that happened to someone else.

I find myself thinking over every conversation we had.

And I find one I didn’t like.

“Cosmer,” I say quietly.

He mumbles something to indicate he’s listening.

“What was it that you wanted to tell me? But you said you wanted to wait until we were back on the ship?”

“Not now,” he says simply.

“Now,” I insist.

“Ara. I’m concentrating.”

“But I’m worrying about you. And what it could be.”

“Well, don’t.”

“But you’re keeping something from me,” I state. “When I was so honest with you, just now. Even about… about me and Drake.”

He groans, loudly.

“What?”

“I don’t understand why we can’t have a single conversation without his name coming up.”

“You’re changing the subject,” I say.

“Ara. I only didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to ruin our perfect morning.”

The words, an echo of what he said earlier, now grate on me.

“But why?” I add, bitterly, “Were you worried I wouldn’t sleep with you, if I knew?”

He looks wounded for a second.

Then he asks, almost tiredly, “Do you already regret it all, Ara? Is that what this is about? Because honestly, I had the feeling you would.”

“What are you talking about?” I snap.